Did somebody try an affair in revenge? I wonder if it can help?

I am new here... but I am pretty sure that having an A as a kind of revenge is a BAD idea!!! Instead of having one persons infidelity to deal with you have 2... and we have all heard the saying "two wrongs DON'T make a right!!!"

I would think the best thing to do is concentrate on getting over the 1 persons A!

Just my opinion...
-mcnyh

I agree. I know that when you hurt, your self-esteem is nonexistent, your needs unfulfilled, your partener unresponsive and not remorseful, you have the urge to get just a bit of happiness. Well I think it's just a band-aid on a huge wound, won't help for long, relief will be only temporary if any at all. Afterwards you probably end up being guilt ridden plus it's so true- you will have one more A to deal with and overcome. Not to admit that the urge is strong at times, especially when anger kicks in and you feel unloved and worthless.
I am trying instead of this type of gratification build up my self esteem and be less dependent on outside validation for my well being. And yes, looking better and attracting glances and compliments doesn't hurt either. Still would not go any further than that.
AFTER your PlanA/PlanB you will be better prepared to enjoy any relationship - be it the rebuilt or a brand new one.
FBOW

My two cents worth:

Won't help. I felt pretty complimented recently when a few guys I knew heard my status and asked me out. Had lunch with one of them, and then H realized it. Told me then how would HE know if I ever cheated on HIM? Don't think that it's a good idea now.

It stopped there, and I didn't respond to H because it would have started another no win argument. I don't know right now where I'm at with H, he's in a mental cave, angry as hell, and insisting on a divorce although he hasn't take the steps. (I put ball in his court and told him to pursue it. I'm staying put, Plan B'ing as much as possible/going as dark on the guy as possible, and not contacting him unless absolutely necessary. He emails me, I email him about kids and a few other things, but that's it.)

I just think that it would look like revenge and end up in another vicious argument. Not to mention, I question whether how ready we can be to get emotionally involved with someone else when we're coping with changed lives, families, emotional upheavals, etc. I just say that because sometimes As seem like fantasies, and I would rather live a real life and not get involved in a rebound relationship, I guess. I want to work on myself right now, and if my M reconciles I'll have new skills, a new outlook, and a new ability to cope with an intimate partnership relationship again. And, if M doesn't reconcile? Well, then I'll still have those skills, outlook, ability for another healthy relationship perhaps in the future. And if neither happen, well, I'll still be happier and healthier.

<small>[ July 18, 2002, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: bluekeys ]</small>

Hi there,

In my four months of this h*ll and things not progressing forward, I often struggle with this. My self-esteem has taken a huge hit and an A of my own may well be just what I need.

However, the moral degradation that would follow would tear me up and take my self-esteem to a new low. I know that it wouldn't be worth it. Also, I think what a crummy partner I would be to someone else right now. Here I am, in turmoil about my husbands affair and the state of our marriage, and me a wreck trying to hold it all together. The only person I could attract right now is someone in as deep of a mess as I am in. Nothing good can come from it.

I agree that taking care of you, looking good and appreciating the glances will do more for your self-worth than acting on it.

Best Wishes and good choices to you,
Spy Wife

Bluekeys

I'm only 11 weeks past D-Day so i'm only new here. But my head tells me an A in revenge would be wrong. I know it's tempting and to be honest there is a man in our town that has shown an obvious intrest in me for nearly a year now. I have made no attempt to pursue the matter (but it is great for my self esteem, especially now)

I have thought about having an A in revenge but only when I am weighed down with the anger of it all. BUT I havent and wouldnt and one major reason (apart from all the obvious damage it would cause to me and my family) is that he is married and how could I even think of inflicting this sort of misery on another wife? I know I couldnt do that, and I also know that morally it is wrong.
Stay strong and dont lower your standards.

Robyn

Heck. Think about it:

An affair is the cruelest abuse you can inflict on your spouse.

A "revenge affair" is just as cruel, only it's premeditated.

My MC told me that it's pretty common for the BS to turn around and cheat. But I could NEVER do it. I couldn't live with the guilt or the hurt it would inflict. I guess knowing what it does to your spouse makes it seem even worse to do it for 'revenge.' Since we have to be accountable to God, it wouldn't be worth it. My friend saw a poster that said "Forgiveness is the best revenge." I didn't understand that before, but I think I"m starting to....

Hmmmmm,

It has been about 11 weeks for me, but I am divorced and my ex is across the street. I have started looking around and have set up a date or two, but to be honest it is way to early for me. As much as I would like to have my emotional needs fulfilled, I still want them fulfilled by my FWW. Until that goes away nothing will progress for me. I've started lining up recreational activties to do with friends and eligible women, but that is about it. Until today I thought my ex was long gone. Now I've found out maybe she isn't.