My husband and I have been married almost 12 years and have 2 children. We met in college and dated about 2 years when one day he says to me I have a friend who is my "soul mate", she is in my hometown and I am going to go see her and go out on a date. Naturally I was devasted. Shortly after that this "friend" moved to the same town we were living in and he began to see her. He was still dating me, but he wanted to "explore" his relationship with this other girl. I went a little crazy and I threatened to leave town. After a few months of this he told me that he had decided she was not what he wanted and he asked me to marry him.

I knew that throughout our marriage he kept in contact with this girl, but the contact was infrequent and they were just friends. The relationship was never sexual.

About 2 years ago my husband began to change. He withdrew from me, started coming home from work very late and in general just was not the same loving man that I knew and loved.

When I confronted him with this he said that he was mad at me because I had forced him to give up this relationship with this girl all those years ago and he had never resolved his feelings for her and he wanted to do that. I told him to go ahead and do what he needed to do. What he did was continue to shut me out and run up 2000 minute cell phone bills calling this girl. I will admit I was not very understanding or supportive. I became very angry and resentful, but I still loved him. By the way the other women is married and has 2 children as well.

I have been dealing with this now for over 2 years and he does not appear to be any closer to resolving his feelings for her. In fact, he has decided to go see her this weekend while she is at her parents house and away from her husband.

My question is, is this emotional infidelity and should I leave him. I have been practicing plan A with him for about 2 weeks now, but I am at the end of my rope. He flat out refuses to give up his relationship with this person ever!

Sounds like an A to me although it may not have progressed to the physical level as compared to the emotional. But you said 2 years so it could be a PA by now. But that's not the point.
The point is why did your H withdraw from you?
It sounds as though you want to save your M although you are getting frustrated. What EN or needs is she satisfying that your not. Have you read up on the EN portion of the web site? If H won't talk to you about OW try to figure out which ones she is satisfying on your own through trial and error.

Also the web site says that a Plan A by itself doesn't guarantee the end of the A. It does a couple of things, however. First it's good for you because you are supposed to work on yourself physically and mentally. Exercise is a great stress reliever. ( I lost 20 lbs) Get into counselling asap. Even if H refuses, you can go to Indiv. Coun. (IC)
Plan A needs to go on for awhile. Two weeks usually isn't long enough for the Spouse to notice the change. The site recommends Plan Aing for 6 months before resorting to Plan B. I was the same way because as soon as I started plan A I wanted to jump to the conclusion... deop the ON and write the NC letter. It takes time. You need to be strong.
Once the A ends and NC starts it'll take 4 months for S to get over withdrawal from OP. New contact pushes everything back.
Last comment. If you haven't shared MB with H yet I wouldn't. My W thought I was just following the advise and not being genuine in my change.
Good luck!!

Sounds like an A to me. Note: he made the choice to give her up...he could have just as easily chosen her over you and didn't. He is responsible for all his choices, not you. Sounds to me like he has idealized his time with her. The reality of kids, bills, laundry...real life can never measure up to his fantasy! It may be time for a plan B, he has the best of both worlds right now...and not much incentive to give up either. You need to look after yourself and your children. If he decides he wants to be with you and the kids then he must permanently end his relationship with the OW.

As I said earlier I think it is way way too early for a Plan B. Trust me give Plan A at least a month. No LBing. Call and arrange a session with SH.

Hi mnm,

My H's EA has been going on for roughly 5-1/2 years. D day was 4 years ago. His cell phone bill was over $300 a month (I figured that came to 2 hours each and every day talking to her)

It's an affair, whether they get in bed or not. All their energy, tenderness, effort to entertain and be attentive, is funneled into the cell phone toward the OW. It's the same as if they were on the internet, or writing steamy love letters to send by snail mail. The secrets are FROM you, not WITH you.

I've gotten so sick of it, I have been interviewing attorneys and am ready to sign a retainer agreement with one tomorrow. Have made arrangements for our S to spend a sleepover with friends so I can break this news to my H.

Yes, it's an affair. Smells like it, walks like it, quacks like it.

Thank you everyone for your input. My H believes that his situation is unique because he and this girl have known each other since he was 15 years old. I also forgot to mention in my intial posting that the relationship is extremely long distance.
We are working on finding a counselor. I have agreed to continue to work on our relationship throught the holidays, but I do not hold out much hope as he has no intention of ending his EA.