I recently lost my mother to cancer on September 7, 2001 after a four year struggle with the disease. Needless to say, my emotions are still a little raw, and I have been adjusting to not being a care giver any longer and have the added responsobility of having to worry about my step fathers mental incapacities. He suffers from depression and multiple personalities. I was married last year on March 10, 2001, 2 days before my mothers birthday, my husband and I decided that this was something that we wanted to do for her, as we both knew that her time was coming to an end. We had a huge wedding, and neither of us was nervous, funny but I still know in my heart that marrying him wasthe right thing to do. We both felt it. Directly after the wedding my mothers health declined, I spent more and more time at the hospital and because my husband lost his father at 18 to a massive heart attack, he expressed discomfort at spending time with her. He did however end up spending time with the woman he works with, Nicole, that is a death rocker at 32 (peircings, tatoos, spiderwebs drawn on her eyes everywhere) who had a 3 year old daughter whom my husband became very attached to. As my mothers health declined I saw less and less of him, and then when she passed away I became the support that everyone else needed, but did not allow myself to grieve. I went to Europe, a trip my mother and I always planned on doing together and allowed myself time to grieve. I was away from my husband for 3 weeks. When I returned I found myself to be very quiet, feeling the loss qiet profoundly, my husband tried to get me to go out with this woman and he to lesbian bars (as she supposedly was becoming a lesbian because all the guys she had been with dumped her) and then when I went out of town on June 13 on business, he and she had an the affair. I returned home on the 14th, to find our home had been burglarized. More stress! The following Monday my husband coudln't find his debit card and as I was looking for it found the condoms inhis bag and asked that he be honest with me. That was when he told me. He also told me that he might be in love with her, although the marriage counselor says this has more to do with his unresolved issues with his father and the daughter relationship then with actual love itself. He decided that he wants to try to stay together, that he loves me. So we went to marriage counseling. Last weekend we went to Tahoe to have a weekend away and all we did was fight. It's like he is trying to blame me for the fact that he cheated. He says he misses the old me, who was 110 pounds, was active and energetic when we met and that I have gained weight. Mind you the woman he cheated on me with is 5'3 and 185 pounds. I also have endured a painful experience of watching the one person in the world who loved me unconditionally waste into nothing, and don't know if I can handle this to. I want to work it out but part of me is angry that he is trying to blame me for his cheating, when he isn't looking at his own actions or taking responsobility for not being there when he should have. He wants me to hurry up and be over this and my mothers death, but Dean has never dealt with his fathers death and this is the 10th year anniversary. He's had ten years and has run away, I have had 10 months and it's like I am not allowed to grieve. I hate how I feel inside and have been thinking how easy it would be to just end it all, but know that I could never do harm to myself. I just feel lost and alone, like no matter what its my fault he cheated on me. How do I make him understand and take responsobility for his actions? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />