Please bare with me... attempting this for the first time. This is part Venting (needing a release after so Long) and part Seeking advice.

I have been visiting MB.com on and off for the past year... been a guest at the forum looking for others that may be in the same kind of "storm." Four times I have wondered into it in over the past two years. So far I seem to walk alone, I have become one of the walking wounded. I am finally firing a signal flare, hoping there are others like me who can lend some advice or support. Can't talk to family, all they see (both sides) is a perfectly happy marriage. Wanted to seek counseling through church but my W. is too embarrassed to seek the help (Her friends might know).

Seven years into the marraige, blessedly no children yet to traumatize. My W. has been having EA's (Emotional Affairs to Other Men) for the past two years. She has been very "open" and honest with me about the multiple EA's from the start. Each one of these has been worse than the one before, she falls a little harder each time. She has claimed throughout each one that there has been no Sexual contact, just emotional attachment. With each one She swears, "Never Again, the Pain and Guilt is Too Much!" She Promises that she is loyal to our marriage, still loves me, wants to be the mother of my children, and is still terribly jealous if another woman attempts to firt with me... But she still seeks out these situations.

She has told me many reasons why she seeks out the attention of other men... most sound like excuses for escape... but from what? Some Examples...

1. Got married too young... didn't get to live enough.
2. Feels trapped... She wanted a Fairy Tale Marraige. (I do not have a Castle)
3. Financial Stresses... Was expecting to have nice House & car by now.
4. I neglected her too much... and pushed her away.
5. I am too Needy and Clingy... I smother her.
And many others...

But, the majority of the time she tells me that it is her and not me... she has the problem, that I have done nothing wrong to deserve what I suffer. I still feel like I have forced her into these EA's somehow... I am not a Saint. I have self-esteem issues (I am working on building them, she claims to have seen improvements), I have messed up the finances and credit to a fair degree and have never made large sums of money. But I have always put her first, above myself... to the point that I will go without so that she have a few nice things here and there. I do more Domestic Chores than the average married man, on top of working a full time job, and attending college courses... any free time I have I give to her. Yet, I have not met some emotional need... she still wants to experience dating and to "be free". I even agreed to let her go, so that she could get it out of her system (that has come back to haunt me). I have always been the stable one in the relationship... my W calls me her Rock, her Mountain... Strong, Steady, Unmovable. After each EA, she comes running back to me to put the pieces back together. But even a Mountain can erode away.

I am now dealing with FCL (First Class Loser)Number 4. Not only has she fallen badly for this one, she has spent many nights at this OM's house in "slumber party like conditions with her girlfriends" on more nights than I can count. She is terribly fearful that her family will see her with this OM, she has lied and convinced the OM that she is divorced. This OM has fallen for her and is becoming aggresive to the point of violence when she does not "jump to his side". If he calls My house I have to be quiet while she talks/argues with the OM or WE have nasty fights afterwards... I am NOT allowed to call the OM's house when she is over there... even if it is an emergency.

Now the OM is wanting More from her, he wants a commitment and is becoming more aggresive because she still "commited to me"... my W still "cares for this FCL" but is afraid he will harm her physicaly if he truly finds out and believes (he has been told) that she is still married and has strung him along for the attention. She just told me last night that after she gets done with FCL #4, she is done (I have heard that before)... BUT IF there is a FCL #5, she will end our marriage to keep me from suffering this pain one more time.

The main defferences between me and these OM's Nos. 1 thru 4 is that I do not have a "Party Wild Side" (not real outgoing), I'm stable... the Rock (just a little shy). I do like adventure though(Motorcycles, Scuba diving... etc), just not the NightLife Clubing scene which she enjoys.

I am devoted to my W, I have always been true to the advice given by my grandfather (married 49 years until grandmother passed on), "It is OK to read the Menu... But you may only order ONE entre and No desert." I Have my "Entre", and have not regreted the decision.

Of Course on top of all this we suffer from the typical side effects of a troubled marriage... Little or no affection, intimacy issues, bitter fights (to the point of violence from her; an influence from FCL #4), communication breakdowns, the works. I have not been able to implement any of the MB.com "Rebuilding Steps" because my W takes it as a frontal attack while she is "dealing with FCL #4" or she accuses me of "trying to hard and smothering her". I have worked too hard for US to have a good marriage to give up and quit! I will break the chains somehow.

This Storm is starting to get the best of me. Here's my Signal Flare, if any can, light the way. And Thank you, even if I must ride the storm alone.

Stormwalker,

Welcome to MB, I wish you came here in better circumstances. First, I must say your situation doesn't appear to be that unique. Your W is having affairs, and your W is lying to you. You have done your best, but somehow it is not enough, and it appears for the most part you have attempted to Plan A. Although your Plan A sounds as if it could use a bit of a tune up.

I hope you have read some of the literature here and more specifically some of Harley's books: His Needs Her Needs or Surviving an Affair.

I will offer my observations to your situation. Since you really have not asked for help I will refrain from offering you any advice.

My guess is that your W IS having a PA with this man, and probably had one or more with the other men. Further, I KNOW that your W is in danger if you continue to let this game continue. Even if it means the end of your marriage you need to step in here and tell this man you are married to her and see if that ends this. She needs to be away from this man.

She has big issues and if you do manage to get her back, she will do it again. I think you know that. So unless there is counseling involved I doubt that you have a hope of ending this chain of events.

If you know about plan A and Plan B then I hope you are trying to use plan A. But, with the multiple affairs I suspect, that you will need to go to Plan B soon. Even then counseling will be necessary.

Those are my guess for your unfortunate situation. Your W is in real danger here, and you can bet she is lying to you. "Slumber" parties at a single guys house with other women doesn't make any sense unless he has a harem going.

It would appear that she likes the excitement, and sense it appears to be risk free ( you are always there,) these will continue except they will have to be increasingly deep, risky and flagerant for her to get a high from them. That is my guess. She is on a downward slide and something has to change.

You need to think about this. If you are unwilling to do something as you have been so far, there is little chance this chain of events will ever stop.

Please read more here, and think about what I have said. I look forward to hearing from you.

God Bless,

JL

SW - sorry you had to come here. On the other hand, there are a ton of wise people on this forum who can help you get through this. Since you've been lurking for a year or so, I assume you've read everything on this site as it pertains to the situation you're in. If not, go to the home page and start absorbing everything you can.

Your wife is immature, selfish, and maybe possessed by aliens! Her excuses are lame, but that's to be expected from someone who is the center of her own universe. Sexless "slumber parties" at OM's house?? Oh, please. She is way past denial here. She is out getting her jollies while keeping you on the string. And she has the gall to tell you to be quiet when she's talking to him, forbids you to call when she's seeing him? Uh-uh. Nowhere is it written that you have to take that kind of cr*p!

I don't see any way of getting through this without some major counseling. And if the threat of violence is real, the local authorities need to get involved. Your wife has put you in a terrible position, and you need to be proactive to keep it from getting any worse, before you suddenly discover she's on FCL #8.

Along with counseling, probably a good place to start is the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. You need to figure out what each other's buttons are. What do you both like to do that you can do together? A married person in the club scene without their spouse - always a disaster. Either she's going to have to stop or you'll need to go with her 'til she grows up.

As you say, thankfully there are no children yet to be hurt by your wife's selfish behavior. Protect yourself, do what's right for you. Your wife may snap out of it suddenly, but more likely you've got a lengthy struggle ahead of you. Keep coming here when you need support - this place has already saved my marriage.

I'll pray for you to have the strength you'll need to deal with this, and for your wife to open her eyes and see how she's destroying herself and her marriage. Take care.

I am afraid that you are in big time denial.
She spends overnights with the OM and tells him she is divorced. He calls your house and you have to be quiet. First, she is having sex with this guy and putting your health at risk. Why would you believe anything she says since she is able to lie to the OM with a clear conscience. Do you really think that this OM 4 would have totally fallen in love with her and been dating her if there has been no sex between them?

Your wife is living and acting as if she is single. She totally humiliates and disrespects you while she is spending the night at OM4 and you are staying at home being quiet. She is a cakewoman who is using you as Mr. Fallback guy.
How great she can have a husband who allows her to date and spend nights with the OM and a husband who actually believes there is no physical intimacy between them.

My friend she is playing you for a total fool.
The fact that you have been accepting of these things for the 4th different OM now is ridiculous. Do you really think that she could ever respect you knowing that you allow her to do this.
I know this sounds harsh but you need to seek counseling to understand why you allow her to treat you like total crap. Second, you need to contact a lawyer and move on. It will be a matter of time before she probably gives you an STD. I suspect you now have lost all self-respect yourself. Please do not allow her to continue this. Your wife if you can really call that is toxic to you. How shameful that she would do these things to you and how sad that you allow it.

JL, SISF, & Bryanp... Thank You for your responses.

There was a lot of information about my W that I left out due to time and size of initial posting.

To ease the concern of me getting an STD... I have been quite celebate since my W told me about her starting attraction to FCL #2 (back before Xmas). Since then, I have donated blood, the Blood Bank is very thorough in testing. The only thing the Blood Bank sent back after testing was to advise me that my cholesterol was on the high side (not surprising), NO STD's. I am not going to say that there is not a PA with the FCL #4. However I tend to think it is unlikely, Even early in our marriage when we were each others first and the relationship was "Hot & Heavy", she was fairly "Frigid" then... did not know how to express affection, intimate or otherwise (her whole family is like that). From the begining the sexual side of the relationship has always been difficult at best (cause of many quarrels) Even hugs and kisses were seldom passionate... nothing has changed. She even pushes away our pet after a few breif moments of affection... the poor critter loves her unconditionally but gets little in return.

I will require testing for STD's before all is forgiven. And Even then It Will Be Slow Road to Recovery.

Concerning the next step... PLAN B, I have brought up such consequences in arguments with my W... She has hinted, to blantantly said to do so. I think that she is so ashamed of her actions that she wants me to release her of her guilt (she right now is borderline suicidal), I would not leave her right now for that reason alone, she is not stable enough to handle it. She is terrified of what her family will do (they will disown her, I will be welcome where she would not be) and what will happen to her, and I know she still loves me. (One of the things that I did not mention in the first posting, is that we have the SINS of the Forefathers to break on her side of the family... Father, and Gandfather both were unfaithful which her mother removed her from. This adds even more guilt to her conscience, she tells me she is mortified by her actions, but now she is in so deep she does not know how to get out.) Any Ideas?

She knows quite well that I would not be Reconciliable if we seperate... I would go I and never look back, and I will survive. I have no fear of being alone.

As to losing my Self-Respect... I get stronger each day... I did not realize that until now... YES, the Wounds are DEEP and many; and I will need counseling, but I now see that I am a stronger person now than I was three years ago. Sad to admit, but I would have been suicidal had this happened early in my marriage, Yes I HURT!!! BUT I will NOT take my Life... where I might have 3 or 4 years ago under the same conditions.

I have considered facing off with the OM... however, I am concerned about how unstable he is. Not For my safety, but for hers, if he is truly unstable as she says, my confrontation with him will set him off to the point he will hurt her. I have no desire to see that... I have seen the fights she has had with him over the phone.

I may Be a FOOL, I am not ready to give up.

When I have to face Judgement before GOD, I do not want be ashamed because I gave up. I have my Sins (Many), but abandoning a marriage blessed by GOD is one I wish to avoid. Even the Scriptures tell me make it work if I can. I Know that GOD PUT US TOGETHER... This is a test of My Faith (which I have been failing)... I Did not realize that until this evening, when I read your responses. If I gain nothing else from the initial posting in this forum... I will at least have my feelings and thoughts clarified through the "Focusing Lens" of support, advice, prayer, and even some critical thinking.

Thank you... For the clarity and advice.
God Bless you and Watch over you.
S

Hi Stormwalker,

will a woman's view help? First I also would like to welcome you to MB. Have you taken the emotional needs questionnaire or read the basic concepts section located under the logo at the top of this page? There you will find information to help us understand and options/tools that may help us.

Your situation is not unique. There are many men here who are in a situation where their wives have gone off and acted very irrational.

One thing I learned here was not to justify the WS behavior. Bad family background and experiences happen to both BS and WS. The one real difference between the BS and WS is the double life the WS leads and the selfishness the WS stubbornly maintains over the BS and others.

Husbands kick out their families, wives leave their children, fathers wish their children dead, mothers run away from their responsibilities, etc. The list goes on. There also seems to be a need in some to push the BS to a point of anger. The WS in my situation often tried to make both the BS and the OP angry. He also did not want to make the decision that would make him look like the bad guy. Well duh!!!! The WS is the bad guy just by the title.

There also appears to be a lot of illogic in the fog. The WS paints a different picture to the OP and in some cases the OP is just as misled or manipulated as the BS.

However, the OPs can also be a bunch of losers but strong manipulators themselves. In some cases, they force a control over the WS and the WS for a while chooses a messed up life over a safe and loving one. Almost hypnotic in nature, like a bug drawn to the bright light and then ZAP!

So what will it take? Unfortunately there is no instant cure. Read and learn here. Get a good MC or even take advantage of the phone counseling service offered here by Steve Harley and Jennifer Chalmbers (sp?).

You have received some good supportive posts by these guys. They have helped me in the past also. Their words may seem a bit strong but they do know what they are talking about.

Vent here as often as you need and let us know your thoughts.

take care,
L.

I feel for your situation. I too have been the victim of a spouse who falters between the reality of marriage and the fantasy of the affairs. Emotional or otherwise the breach is there. The good news is that he has changed the bad news is that I am so terribly wounded by the past I find it hard to handle each day. I never stood up for myself. Never said enough. Or I said it but he knew that I wouldnt give up on him...just as you wont on your wife. It has cost me great self esteem in the end. Whatever you decide think not only about the struggles that your wife faces but the ones that you do as well. One thing I have learned is that you can only affect your own behavior. Be true to yourself. Demand to have the wife you deserve and settle for nothing less. She will change only when she is determined to do so. Nothing you say or do will change her. Also anything she fears from the OM, or that you fear for her, is only her version of events. At this point she is a masterful liar and knows that this ploy keeps you at bay and out of her affairs. Finally, dont think that it is you. Obviously people have choices. You choose to stay now. She chooses to do as she pleases no matter how you feel. You listened to your grandfather's advice and I agree. My grandmother told me actions speak louder than words. Her actions dont speak of love while yours do. Neither of you are listening...Best of luck from a kindred spirit.