This is my first post. I found this site about 2 weeks ago after my H informed me that he was miserable and moving out.

We have been together for 10 years, married for the last 5. Up until 3 years ago we had the 'perfect' marriage as far as we knew. 3 years ago we both got new jobs and starting working lots of hours...spending time apart and both stressed out alot. We still were doing ok until about 1 year ago tho...it was around this time we just started growing apart. SF became nonexistent (one of us was always 'too tired' or not in the mood), we stopped having recreational fun together (never enuff time) and both had gained quite a bit of weight (me more than him).

We never fought or anything...just seemed to be coexisting together. I kept thinking it was just a "low spot" and we'd eventually get back to normal. Hindsight being 20/20...I know now that I should have taken some sort of action. Instead I just hid from the problems at home with work. So did he.

About 3 weeks ago...he told me he was very unhappy with our M and wasnt sure if he wanted to try anymore. Coincidentally, that is about the same time he started going out for happy hour with people from work a couple of times a week. Also getting calls from work on his cell phone.

This was my wake up call...the fog of denial I was in lifted and I realized I needed to make an effort to save the M. I immediately started working on what I know now is considered a Plan A. I asked him to go to counseling and he refused. I began researching how to 'fix' a bad marriage and found this website and have been reading as much as i can since.

Within a week, however, he told me he had to leave. He told me he hates his life...the man he has become and is depressed. He doesnt want to end up like his parents...in a loveless marriage but they stay together out of habit. He doesnt want to try to work on our M, just wants out.

I was/am devastated...I couldnt believe he was giving up without a reason. I started snooping...and of course found that he doesnt want to try becuz he has been having an A.

I believe it started with EA about 2 months ago...and the week he said he had to leave it became PA. She is 11 years younger than him and works for him.

He has found an apartment already and will be moving within 3 weeks. Currently, he is sleeping in the guest bedroom, me in the bed we've shared for 5 years.

For the past 2 weeks...I have been plan A'ing as much as possible...he is very kind to me and sometimes seems to be responding. Then he spends time with OW and is resolved to leave again.

He initially said he just needed a seperation and time away to figure out what he wants. Last Friday...he didnt come home until Sat nite. I attempted to talk to him about what was going on...I did not confront him directly about the A since I found out by snooping, but did tell him that I assumed he is already seeing someone else and he did say that he was, but didnt feel comfortable discussing it with me! After spending the night with her...he now wants a Divorce, tells me he doesnt love me anymore, and thinks of me like his sister.

He wants us to remain friends, possibly keep our house as a business partnership and rent it.

Since then, he spends as much time away from the house and me as possible...is furniture shopping for his new place with OW, buying her clothes, etc.

I dont know what to do...it seems his mind is made up to scrape me and the last 10 years of our lives off and move on with this girl.

Last nite he insisted on sitting down and talking about how to split up our posessions...he is leaving me with quite a few things that he had bought prior to our marriage (things like big screen tv and washer/dryer). It was very difficult, but I managed to not LB (other than crying a few times).

I am so confused...he is leaving me for this OW, but telling me things like "I want you to keep the w/d cuz I dont want you having to go to a laundromat at night by yourself".

We have talked very rationally about our M...he keeps asking me things like "what did i do to make you withdraw from me"...I keep thinking he is trying to learn from me what NOT to do with this OW.

As part of my Plan A I have realized that my entire life is wrapped up with this man...we used to be 'joined at the hip' and did everything together...as a result I have lost touch with many of my girlfriends, have no hobbies that are my own, etc. I am trying to strike a balance of focusing on me and what makes me happy, and at the same time make the most of the time he spends with me to meet his ENs. He will not allow any physical contact between us anymore...I get the sense that he feels like he would be cheating on her with me!

I know this is really long and rambling...I guess I just am trying to figure out if I am just too late to save our M. He is a very black/white analytical thinker who is able to compartmentalize his emotions...he has told me that in the past he decided he didnt like where his life was going so he simply reinvented it. This meant breaking all ties with his friends at the time and moving. I feel like this is what he is doing with me now.

Is it too late for me? Is my Plan A simply working on me and getting strong, and then directly to Plan D? He said he wants a D but has made no move to file...his lease doesnt start until 8/1 so will be here for at least another 2 weeks.

I dont know what to do at this point...any feedback would be helpful.

Thanks

whereismyloyddobler?,

Welcome to MB ... we all should learn about MB even before we start dating bcak in high school ... time will tell if you will be able to save your M. Meanwhile, read as much as you can about MB ... basic concept & General Welcome should bring you up to speed. Yes, plan A, plan A, plan A ... most of WS doesn't file since they are not sure yet how their new relationship is going to pan out. You have time.

Be ready for 'coaster ride of your life.

-RH-

Yes, read as much as you can, plan A, I found exercise helped refocus my energy, so I was not longer negative.

redhat and Sue,
thanks for your responses. I have ordered the Harleys' book on surviving an affair and have been reading more on the website.

it is just so confusing...redhat you are so correct in saying its a rollercoaster...I have never felt so out of control of my own life!

this afternoon he told me he is planning on still keeping the yard up and painting the deck even after he leaves...i find myself obsessing about everything he says like this and wondering if it means he wants to keep seeing me along with seeing his house. it doesnt make sense to me that he would do these things if he truly wanted out. why not just walk away and cut the ties if he doesnt want our relationship or to try?

i messed up tho and did an LB...i asked him if OW was going to live with him. he said no one but his cat would be living with him...dont know if even believe him anymore.

i am really blue today...having a harder time than normal dealing with this crazyness.

Sue, you are right, working out helps alot. I have been doing it alot and went to my trainer this morning but it didnt seem to help.

I think i am so upset becuz i noticed he had an overnite bag sitting next to his briefcase this morning...i am thinking he isnt coming home tonight. it makes me ill to think of him sleeping in OWs bed.

sorry folks...i hate to be so negetive. just having a bad day i suppose.

thanks for your encouragement!

May I suggest talking to your Dr. about Anti-Depressants? They have helped me cope with this difficult situation. I could not have come as far as I have without them. In fact, they may have saved my life. Good luck!

ST

It is really tough. I was doing good for awhile, but I had alot of distractions that kept me focused on other things. Now, my distraction is gone until late August. So, I'm back on the rollercoaster ride.

I know, we look for hidden messages in what they say, we wonder why. We overquestion the tiniest thing. My guess is he is not ready to totally leave, he feels a responsibility, maybe love, for you, so he needs to help maintain things. It also helps to maintain contact with you, (which by the way, will cause conflict for him and OW, let her LB him) When he is at the house, follow the Plan A stuff, set a time limit. You dont' want to Plan A from now until eternity.

He may be living with just his cat, and maybe it is with her? Don't focus on that. Focus on you and being the best that you can be.

My H and I (we were not married then, had 2 kids) split about 7 years ago, he found someone else, for about the first 6 months, I begged, pleaded, asked him to come back, nothing worked. Then I decided I had to move on for me. He was not coming back. (His mom owned the duplex we lived in, which he moved out of) I decided I had to move from his mothers duplex and get a place of my own. See, while I was there, he still had some control over me, and knew what I was doing. I didn't move for any other reason except I decided it was time for me to make a life for me and my kids where his role was a weekend dad.

He didn't like that. He was worried that I found someone else, and that I was moving on without him. He didn't like the idea that someone else was going to raise his kids. So, he started coming around more, taking me out, and talking as if we had a future. He started talking about us living together again. At that point, I let him know that the only way we would live together was if we were married, and right now, I didn't know if I wanted to marry him, he had to prove to me that things have changed.

When I look back at his behavior and compare it to what you say, by guess is, he is confused, he does not want to cut ties at this point. So Plan A your head off, and let her LB, because she will have a problem with his coming to the house to help with things.

To answer your original question, yes there is hope for your marriage.

You should probably talk to Steve Harley or Jennifer Chalmers for advice. They're great.

Stick to Plan A for now and work on changing things on yourself. Remember though that Plan A is about you. (I know easier said then done.) Do not expect that it will automatically cause your H to end his A and want to work on the M. Be prepared for the long haul.

Keep posting.

Thanks all for the responses...this forum is such a great place to vent.

Sue, I have to tell you...I spoke with my sister and she said almost the exact same thing you did (he is confused, not ready to move on)! Great minds...

I am doing much better today, partially becuz of what happened last nite. H Im'd me at work and asked if I would be sure to feed the cat as he would be late (like I dont feed her everyday anyway). I told him no prob, but I was going out and would be late too, FYI. He immediately started a barrage (sp?) of where are you going, with who, etc.

I explained i was attending a going away dinner for a collegue. I thought it funny that he was so interested after just telling me he would be late with no explanation as to why.

I fully expected him to not be home when i got there, since he had taken his overnite bag with him that morning. But when i walked in (ok stumbled in) after midnite, he was there and wide awake (waiting for me??). Wanted to know how was dinner, who was there. He asked if 'Mr. X' was there...he said he saw "Mr X's car there".

I found this odd because a.) I never told him where we were going (so is he driving around downtown looking for my car??) and b.) Mr X is an exec in our company who is highly respected and I have very little contact with, but the gossip is he is divorcing his wife.

So H seems to be thinking I am already hooking up with some rich older guy within a couple of weeks?!!

It just drove home that he is in one heck of a thick fog and not thinking straight at all. Kinda made me feel better to have the comfirmation of his current delusional state.

I am sticking to my Plan A...went running this morning and have made a list of all the stuff I have always wanted to do but didnt cuz I was married (ie. get scuba master certified...never did cuz H cant dive due to ear problems). I have decided its time to do some stuff just for me only. Also made a list of my future goals...something I havent done in years. It makes me feel better to see it on paper.

Overnite bag went with H again this morning (his luggage, not OW hahah)...so dont know if he will be home tonite or what. But if he is, plan to continue with Plan A.

I am stuggling with the knowledge that this isnt something that will be resolved overnite. The waiting in limbo is really hard for me. I guess that is also part of Plan A...learning some patience.

Best wishes to all

We all wish there was a quick fix. But, alas, if we learn anything it is patience.

Even though what you said does not tell you the the A is over, his actions said alot. Just don't set yourself up for a fall.