I just found out the other day from a coworker that my wife of 15 years was flirting at work. she is the store manager and i was one of the shift managers. she told me she doesn't know if she loves me anymore. a person that i hired she says reminds her of her first love and he tells her how pretty she is and she welcomes it. she told me today that she thinks she told a coworker that she thought he was cute and that coworker told him so he started to make advances towards her. i have spent the last days telling her how much i love her and that i can't live without her. i am doing everything in my power to get her to open up but it just doesn't seem to be working very well. she tells me she still has a little love left for me. right now she is at work with this other man and it is all i can do to stay away from there. how do i get the love back! i'm giving her flowers cards and telling her how much i love her and can't live without her. i want to be around her all the time now. she told me today they have decided to make this guy a manager and i feel i am being replaced. i have expressed all these feelings to her that i am posting. i am so so sad. please help me.

The more you pursue her the more she will look at you as someone who is weak and pathetic. The chances are very likely that she has done more than flirt with this guy. You need to get control over yourself and back off. I would recommend a combination of Plan A and tough love. (Read Love must be tough by Dr.J.Dobson). Keep calm and be friendly. At the same time I would let her know that her behaviour is unacceptable and emotionally abusive to you. Consult a lawyer meanwhile to protect your interests in case things get out of control.

i will consider my options but i want to try and do what is right. i believe what she tells me because she has never lied to me. i walked up to the person in question and looked him in the eye to see what his response would be. he looks like he knows nothing right now and maybe this is some doubt that i have put in her with some of my faults. i'm not perfect but i let my first wife go without a fight. there was so much hurt the first time i didn't want to fight. she is beginning to open up to me and show the affection we have lost. i am using what i learned from the his needs her needs class i went through in 1998 and i am using what i have learned on this website. i want to find my love busters first and then find out her priorities. she is concerned with family and domestic matters. keep putting input on this because we all have to help each other. i know i felt like i was all alone but after reading some of the others i see some light at the end of the tunnel. gotta go. thanks for the input. i will check on a lawyer if it doesn't get better.

read everything you can about Plan A on this website as well as SAA. I agree don't be too pushy but don't seem like you don't care either.

keep in mind that your plan A is about you and do not expect her to choose you over OM because of your plan A. Be prepared for the long haul, it could take a long, long time.

keep posting.

Hi Randy,

Your 2nd post really hit home with me...

A co-worker told me that my wife was fooling around with one of my employees... (this was after I'd already learned of one of her previous A's). I was torn up inside... didn't know what to do, but finally decided to go and confront the guy. He too looked me in the eye and said that "nothing" was going on between them and that he'd NEVER do such a thing... blah, blah, blah,... Confronted my wife and got the same lies. 10 years later, my wife can't live with the guilt and tells me that yes they were having an A and that it lasted for over 6 months....

I say all of this NOT to discount the good advice that you've already gotten... I agree that you shouldn't be too pushy, but speaking from experience.... you really need to go with your gut feeling on this.

If there IS anyting going on between your W and this OM, then rest assured that they will BOTH do everyting in their power to keep you in the dark. Your W may have never lied to you before, but if she's involved with this OM, then you'd better believe that she is capable of lying to you now.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I hate to see someone go through the same pain that I lived through for so long... it would have been much better for me to have gone with my gut feelings and done something about my wife's A THEN.... instead of waiting 10 years.

BTW, my wife and I are doing great in recovery with God's help, and a good marriage counselor. Have you read the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder? If not, get a copy and see if your W will work through it with you....

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Well here i go. my emotions are very high right now and i'm confused. I found out that my wife slept with a 20year old co-worker two years ago while I was going to Corrections Officer academy. She describes the event in her diary to the fullest and had one event at our house and one event at his house and she describes that they climaxed together. she's 36 now. I was glad she told me but she went on to say she thinks she just wants to date and she also has sexual desires for this coworker who reminds her of her first love from 20 years ago. I've talked and cried until I'm blue in the face. She keeps assuring me she won't do anything, I don't believe her at all. I think the desires are there and no matter what I do she is gonna try and go through with this. She is acting very immature and letting her desires guide her. She is gonna destroy my 14 year old son and 12 year old daughter. she slept with the other man with them in the other room. Crap! If she follows through with the desires Its gonna be time for me to leave or send her away. I don't know what else to do. My emotions are killing me and this has to come to and end. It anyone is out there help me! I feel alone with this one.

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to let you now that I am so sorry for your pain and hope that this reply will bump your post up to receive some help.
Take care-
NT

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I feel for you. My husband had an affair with a coworker & it is really hard to try to work it out. Your partner is living in a different world at work, home life has so many other real life pressures. You need to spend some quality time together away from home. Take her away for the weekend, sure tell her how much you love her but try to reason with her and ask what emotional needs you are not meeting for her as to what this other person has on offer. Once you clear that up, work on having a good time together make her realise she can have what she needs with you be alittle spontanious, most of all (I know its hard to be positive in these times) have some fun together. Good luck my thoughts are with you.

Hi Randy.

While it is commendable that you are providing for a safe environment where your WW can come clean about her past A, I would urge you and your W to start counseling ASAP. Her saying to you that 'she thinks she just wants to date and she also has sexual desires for this coworker who reminds her of her first love from 20 years ago' and that 'she slept with the other man with them in the other room' is bad, very bad indeed. Even if she scoffs at the idea of going to marriage counseling with you, YOU go to counseling because the counselor can help you start dealing with your feelings in a constructive way so that you do not negatively contribute to an already bad situation. Just make sure that you choose a counselor that specializes in saving marriages, not sinking them.

Beign a former BS, I can feel your pain and just want to let you know that her infidelity is not about you. She is an inmature individual that instead of putting effort into making her M into an enriching R for both you, is trying to recapture her lost youth experiences, via A's that will ultimately doom the M. She is selfish, thoughtless and doesn't care how her children are going to be affected after the truth is known.

I would consider the idea of possibly hiring a PI if and when her behavior starts to become blatant. The reason is that if things go from bad to worse, you will have to fight for your children's wellbeign and it certainly doesn't lie with a person that is willing to bring a total stranger in to the home and exposing them to danger, only because she wants to get her rocks off.

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 11:20 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Well since I first placed this notice on the site I have moved out of the apartment with the kids in tow and we have moved to Texas from Oregon. She has since slept with the OM and has moved him into my apartment after removing all my belongings into my kids room. She has been living with the OM now for two weeks. My 14 year old son does not want to talk to her anymore because she has lied to him 3 times. My 12 year old daughter doesn't know what to think. I have initiated Plan B of SAA. She is doing exactly what's in the book right now. Blaming me for everything and taking credit for nothing. OM keeps telling her that he is sorry he broke up her marriage. Neither OM or W are divorced at this time. Still gonna go with Plan B for awhile.

Hi Randy.

I'm sorry to hear about your present situation and mostly on how your kids have been affected by your WW's behavior. I suggest that you get them into counseling ASAP because this tragic situation has hurt them both deeply and if they don't get treatment it can have negative consequences in their personal lives further down the road. Forget for the time being about your WW, because there is nothing you can do to force her to end her A with OM, and concentrate on helping your children and yourself (you also need counseling).

Your WW doesn't appreciate the damage she has inflicted upon her children, and if one day she emerges from her fog of selfishness and thoughtlesness, she will regret the day she started her A. She has indeed lost a great deal in terms of her children's love, respect, and trust.

Well this will be my last input into a long and painful ordeal. This is gonna end with a divorce because of all the hurt and pain WW has thrown at me and the kids. she wants to be a mother from 2400 miles away but not a wife. She says there is no way we can repair our marriage and I agree. She has had two affairs and no telling how many more to come. will sign off for now. Everyone on this web site will be in my prayers always. God Bless all of you.

Dear Randy,
I feel so sorry that your immature and careless W has not appriciated family she had.

But you tried your best, you have to be the one reponsible parent for your kids and you did not make any rush decisions. I will pray for you that you'll remain strong and committed to persons you love and care for and receive the same in return.
FBOW

This has been a very,very,very long two months, but I am finally beginning to get control on my life. My wife now says she is in love with OM and wants a divorce. I am waiting until I get residency in the state of Texas and then I am gonna file for divorce. I have read alot of books since this began and God will pull me through. I've learned one thing you don't fall in and out of love you fall in and out of choices. God bless everyone and you will all be in my prayers. I will be back from time to time.

Good to hear from you again Randy. I hope that you and your children are doing as well as can be expected under these trying circumnstances.

Your WW is definetely in the fog and it will take some time before her fantasy comes crashing down on top of her. If she wants a divorce, let her file for it, but in the meantime protect you and your children's best interests by getting some legal counseling to guard against any surprise legal attacks from your WW. In her selfish and thoughtless state of mind, she can and should not be trusted to do the right thing.

I have been seeing a marriage counselor for almost two months and it has made a world of differnce. I am now going back to school and get an associate degree in paramedicine and become a full time paramedic, something I've always wanted to do. This has only been a stepping stone for me to better myself and move on with my life.
Some day WW will regret what she has done. I hope that someday she feels the pain and hurt I have felt for going on three months. I will be in and out of this web site because everyone in here means so much to me. God bless all. Gotta go to church. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm wondering how you're doing, Randy. I'm new to this forum. Your situation is quite deep. I feel bad for you, too. When I read your first post, I knew she was trouble. I commend you for having the strength to leave. You sound like a good guy, and she obviously didn't appreciate you. No matter how much you beg them, they just walk all over you. I know because I've been there. I think my husband feels I'm weak and pathetic for many reasons, and I'm trying to change that. You don't want to act like you don't care, but on the other hand, you don't want to be stepped on like a rug. I hope you've found some happiness since you've left. You deserve it.