I just found out yesterday that my wife had sex and has been having a affair of the heart with her best friend who is a woman.
I'm not sure how to deal with this I'm crushed, angry, humiliated and full of despair.
She tells me she loves us both and doesn't know who she loves more.
What do I do, I want to throw her out of the house but we have two boys ages 5 and 7 to deal with and I don't know what to do.
I thought about suicide but don't think thats the answer.
How could she dddo this to me?
She had sex on our living room sofa and she said it felt right to her.
I can't even go in the living room anymore.......HELP <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It really doesn't matter if the OP is a man or woman, it's still infidelity. My suggestion to you is to read all you can on the subject of infidelity, starting with this site(it's excellent). What you are feeling is normal...we all went through it when we discovered our respective spouses were unfaithful. (I, personally, started to hyperventilate then lost my lunch when I found out she'd been in my bed!)

She isn't thinking rationally right now (and that's how she could do this to you). All she's thinking about is her A with OW and how good it feels. She's telling herself it's your fault she's not happy and this OW is her 'soul mate'... which is all a way for her to avoid responsibility for her actions. She needs to understand that there is no room in the marital relationship for three people. IMHO the children should not be exposed to the other woman, it's not fair to them. Read this site, start with plan A, set some boundaries. Most importantly, look after yourself, find ways to reduce your stress level. Take care of yourself.

thanks mgm,
I went to the doctor and he prescribed some tranks and I had a sleep.
The OW phoned again and of course I answered it and stupid me was polite to her when she asked for my wife!
You mentioned the kids shouldn't be exposed to the OW BUT unfortunately her son is my sons best friend and they have spent some considerable time together.
On the good side the OW is accross the country so maybe it won't be a factor.
I am glad I found this site courtesy of Google, although I just joined its been helpful to me already.
Just knowing that what I'm going through has been experienced by others helps me cope, thanks

You just found out, you have a lot of emotions to go through yet. Male or female makes not difference, your W had an A. Now you are faced with all the decisions that follow DDay.

Don't allow yourself a single moment to think about suicide. Your life is a gift to you from God and to let the actions of your W to bring you to thoughts of suicide is intolerable. You can't consider that easy out again. You have to understand your worth in life.

I'm glad you found MB. Read all the info that is offered here. Order the books and read them. You have help all around you now, use it to your advantage.

Be strong, hang in there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I am sorry for your pain. Your wife has sex in your home on your sofa with the OW and she says it feels right? The one place that should be a safe haven for any spouse is their home so now she has disrespected you, your marriage and your home. Ask her how she would have felt if she found out you have been having sex with another person in your house. Do you think she would have accepted your explanation that you love the both of them and that it just felt right to have sex with the other person in your home?

You both need to go into marriage counseling immediately to understand why should would be willing to destroy the marriage and humiliate you. I see no reason for you to be pleasant to the OW when she calls your wife. Would you expect your wife to be nice to the person who had sex with you when they call you on the phone?

I believe in the tough love approach and believe in the concept that no consequences to her behavior will equal no motivation to change.
She must cut off all contact immediately with the OW and write a no contact letter. This is what you would be demanding if it was another man who had sex with your wife so it should be the same here. It sounds like your wife may be a cakewoman who enjoys having a sexual affair with someone else and loving them and also enjoys the benefit of being married with a family. The fact that she shows no remorse and simply tells you it felt good to make love with another person in your home is a very bad sign and indicates at this time that she is extremely selfish and does not care or understand the pain that she has inflicted on you and your marriage. I doubt you will allow this situation to continue for an unlimited time. I again urge counseling. If she refuses and still shows no remorse then Plan B is in order and the need to contact a lawyer may be in order. I wish you luck.

BradleyM I have been too embarassed to admitt but that is why I am now divorced. My X had an affair with another woman and it just got worse as time went on and after being married for 16 years with two children we ended up in divorce. I know very well the emotions that you are feeling. My X told me the say thing she loved us both but in the end she picked her and not our family. It is a very difficult subject to handle it has been over a year and a half for me and I still have a very difficult time handling it. Focus on your children and protect them. I agree with everyone else it is infidelity regardless of the gender. If I can be of any help let me know like I said I went through the same thing.

Stay strong for your children they need you now more then ever

Carl

Thnks Sad Angel and Bryanp for those words of encouragement.
Carl, yes it seems to add another weird dimension to the A when bi-sexualiaty is involved.
It also makes it hard to confide in a male friend what has happened and having no close living relatives I have no one to go to.
Many thanks for this wonderful site and posters.
I find myself reading other peoples stories and crying over them,some of them seem so familiar.
As for my WS she I have been talking non stop and she has given my a heartfelt apology and finally broke down crying.
She said it was the biggest mistake of her life and that she was so lucky to have me after what she did.
I feel that we are making progress, she boxed up all the pictures and gifts from the OW and we are taking them to the garbage down the street together.
When the OW phoned she still wanted to continue on with my wife but my wife told her not to call anymore, the OW is frightened that I'll tell her husband about the A.
I did call the husband when I found about about the A and told him to talk to his wife and really question her as there was a lot more going on than he knew.
He like I had suspected something had been going on.
I feel like I should tell him the whole truth as the OW told my wife that she lied to her H even though my WS told me all the details.
I feel like he has a right to know, should I tell him the truth so he can take the right steps?
I am thankful that my WS has (I think) come up with the truth and details and seem to show real remorse.
My problems seem to be resentment and anger for the WS's actions.
When she had sex I was one the road and the night before she did it we talked three times and I told her I was really upset with the situation and was on the verge of a breakdown and was hoping that she would she call me the next night.
Well she never called for two nights and by the then I was home.
It turns out the night after I called and was so upset instead of calling me she had sex with the OW, man that still hurts.
She knew how upset I was but never called and instead consummated her A.
She now says that was the biggest mistake of her life and does seem truley remorsefull.
We had sex twice last night and she crieD the first time and it seemed so wierd as all I could think of was her and the OW in the throes of passion.
How do I get these thoughts out of my head, just thinking about it breaks my heart.
I showed my WS a bunch of the articles from this great site and she has been reading them and I also showed her my posts to date, should I have?
She agrees that writing a goodbye letter to the OW is a good thing and she is doing it tonite and wants me to read it and send it...seems like progress doesn't it.
One of the things that stick in my head from this site is that most couples get over the A, where as I thought the only answer was to seperate for good, but I truly love her and I think she really loves me so we are giving it a try.
As for now we seem to be doing a lot of talking and hugging, holding hands and the like.
She said she feels so foolish and has incredible guilt that she is trying to deal with .
I told her to spend some time at this site as it has helped me enormously.
My first marriage ended with my wife having an A, but I love my current wife so much I'm hoping to make this one work out.
Having kids also makes one think a little clearer about all the possibilities other than divorce.

Again thanks for the encouragement this site has helped me immensely!

This is great news. It seems that your wife has seen the light and has shown great remorse. I think you will be fine. I would still suggest that she start counseling to understand why she was willing to almost destroy her marriage and family so it will never happen again.

The question of telling the OW's husband is sensitive but I would certainly tell him. You have both communicated your concerns previously so it should not be a total shock to him. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you wish to know so you could try to rebuild your marriage. Finally, if the husband knows then it will be far less likely for the affair to ever resume in the future. Affairs thrive on secrecy and darkness.
Shinning a light so everyone knows usually destroys the affair. In short, he deserves to know just like you deserved to know.

My WW did things in almost all the rooms of our home. You have to ask yourself... does it matter where they did things as much as what they did. To me, it hurts no matter if it was our home or a divey motel.

That it was with another woman... ouch. But, infidelity is infidelity. You are still betrayed and it will still hurt. Most of the books I have read suggests that time and shared common experiences will help put the pain in a greater perspective that includes all the good things about the marriage. It won't go away, but you'll be able to remember it in a different context. Reading that hasn't helped me much, but I offer it as a for what it's worth kind of thing.

Yesterday was a day from hell for me, my emotions went wild and I had to leave the house for a while.
I went for a two hour drive and had three breakdowns.
I still can't understand why she did it, I remember warning her about the direction she was heading a couple of times but she didn't even her me.
How could some one go through with this?
Why did she not stop before it went to far?
I'm trying to understand it but it seems hopeless.
We've done a lot of talking and she's giving all the most intimate details but has yet to explain why she didn't stop it , she said she knew it was wrong but couldn't stop what was happening.

I kept fairly busy today so it was much better than sunday, and my W is cooperating and seems very guilt ridden and remorseful.
I just wish I could believe that she's told me all the facts and there's no more secrets lurking in the background to haunt me.
She wrote her goodbye letter to the OW and I mailed it off myself today.
She says a part of her still loves this woman and that's really hard to take, what if she changes her mind about things?
I couldn't handle that it would destroy me.
She says she loves me and wants to make it work so we're just taking it day by day.
Thanks to everyone for all the support, this site is a godsend and I'm soooo glad I found it.

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time but I guess it is to be expected. She needs to get into immediate counseling. The fact that she said she knew it was wrong but could not stop it is nonsense. She had a free choice to stop it and think of her marriage and her committment to you. She decided that she wished to have the excitement and enjoyment of engaging in sex because she wished to because of her feelings for this woman.
How do you think she would feel if the roles were reversed and you told her that you realized that it was wrong to bring another person to your home when your wife was away to have sex but you just could not stop it if though you wanted to stop. I think your wife would laugh in your face.
Again counseling is a must for your wife to understand her actions and her feelings toward you and your marriage. There seems to be more here than meets the eye. I believe that your wife is shocked that she was willing to jeopardise her financial and social stability.
Her argument that she had no control to stop the sex with her friend in your house would make me feel very insecure since how can she stop in the future if she has no control as she claims. She has to come clean that she deliberately desired this and wished it to occur and did not desire to stop it or she would have. By stating that she wished to stop it but could not implies that it was not her fault at all since she was hopelessly seduced. This explanation must not be accepted. She needs to be honest with you.

I hope you have contacted the OW's husband. Your wife sounds like she can be easily manipulated by her friend. Please get counseling for her because I guarantee you that there is more to this and she must deal with the real reasons in counseling to stop it from happening again in the future. I wish you luck.

Hey... just to let you know that I was plagued by the exact same questions as you. It's been almost 6 weeks since D-Day for me... and I've found that nothing else except for singing along to loud music distracts me from dwelling on it.

Though I was told it, I didn't believe it at the time...
- You're going to feel that she needs to 'do more'... to earn your love and trust back. She's in a fog... she'll expect you to do the same. When you see her doing that... bite your tongue, go for a drive, and realize that she isn't thinking straight. I wish I had done this more than I have.
- Why didn't she stop? No real answer. Try to put yourself in her shoes... ask yourself if you would stop. Were I the one in the affair instead of my WW... I'm 100% certain that I would have taken things further, longer, and harder than she did. It's not much... but sympathy, empathy, anything to engender self-control are good.
- Get into counselling. Both of you. I would advise though that rather than going into counselling and VENTING, you go seeking answers. I have wasted about 3 $85/hour sessions by Venting when I should have been asking, "I feel this way... is that normal?" "What can I do when I feel this way?"
- As time passes, you're probably going to become increasingly ambivalent... your moods will swing from rage to love, gentleness to anger, divorce to rebuild, forgive to revenge... and the time spans will shorten. They have for me... in the first several weeks, I'd spend days in a mood... now my mood shifts maybe 5 or 6 times a day. It's important to distance yourself when you feel volatile. But, I wish to God that when I distanced myself I had said, "I need some time alone. It's not because of you. I'll be back, I promise." Instead of saying any of the other things I have said.

Good luck.

bradleym,

I think you need to realize several things. The first and most important is that this will take time and patience on your part. More than anything else it will take that. Second, as you have already been told many if not all of your feelings are normal.

I would strongly recommend that you obtain two books and read them with your W. Yes, I have read her posts here. The books are Surviving an Affair by Harley, and the other is His Needs Her Needs also by Harley. There are other fine books out there but these two books will open your eyes to many things.

You two can do this. It seems that your W wants to save the marriage and it seems that you want to save the marriage. Then the only thing left to do is save it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Seriously, you need a plan and I think within those two books you will see that there are successful plans for rebuilding your marriage. Counseling would be a good idea.

But, remember if the two of you want this, you can do it. You really can. She has made huge mistake, but remember that doesn't mean that she will make it again. Especially, if the two of you are honest with each other and try to help each other. I would strongly encourage you to read about Harley's for rules for marriage on this site. They are simple, they are to the point, and they are doable.

Finally, I am going to tell you something that you won't believe right now. The biggest impedement to the recovery to the marriage will not be your pain and anger (that will come within a month or so, but deal with it and be ready for it), it will be her guilt. Weird, right? She messes up in the biggest way, it the big problem will be HER guilt. It just isn't fair is it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But, there you are in this topsey turvey world of infidelity, things often seem backwards and they are.

Hang in there, and keep working on yourself and your Plan A. Yup, YOUR Plan A. You will find that it will help you more than it will help her, although it should help her as well.

God Bless,

JL

Bradleym

Please listen to JL, especially about her guilt. Ther truest words about surviving infidelity are that "things often seem backwards and they are." Be patient and committed.

hg

Bradleym:

I have spotted some inconsistencies in the accounts posted by your W and yourself.

Wonder if you can clear them up for us (and for yourselves).

Clyde

Today has been a bay day so far, at one point I was physically sick and had to lay down.
Yes she did admitt to me it was her choice to have the PA and she said that only after did she realise it was wrong.
She also told me her needs were starting not to be met as far back as seven years ago and that the last two years were the worst.
I was aware that the last two years we could have been closer but I thought it was just a low cycle in our relationship and that it was normal after so many years.
We have discussed the possiblity of her being bisexual, but she doesn't think that's the case.
Does one bisexual encounter point to that?
I have feelings of very low self esteem and worthlessness and when I wake up in the morning all I want is the day to end.
In some ways the days are getting harder to deal with as we have hashed the subject over so much that it appears we nothing left to say.
It's been very hard to keep this secret and my W did tell her sister that she and her "girlfriend" had strong feelings for each other that went beyond freindship but didn't tell her about the PA.
Now when her sister phones I get the feeling that she has guessed what happened and she almost tripped me up yesterday that set off a real trigger.
She has told me that she loves and still misses the OW and is not sure if she will remain out of contact with her, she did tell me she would let me know of any contact though.
I'm glad she is being honest about this but it does hurt a lot deep down and lends to feelings of low self worth and undesireabilty.
I know it's been very hard on her too, cause I know what its like to lose someone you love cause I had thought I'd lost her over the last six months.
I'm taking each day on its own as I can't seem to think farther than that.

Hey Bradley, I really feel for you. My WH has committed infidelities with several different men. And one thing I want to tell you that you haven't heard yet (and I may get flack for this, but I am really seeing this like you are, not like BS with the traditional A) this IS different from the traditional affair!!!! It is not the same because your wife's EN's are being met by a woman, which you are NOT. Your wife has serious same-gender issues which will take intensive counseling, if she wants to deal with them. In a few ways, the A is the same in terms of the secrecy, the romanticism, the thrill of cheating and so on.

I have been in IC for several months. This helped me to deal honestly with all the gruesome details of my H's As. Also, the IC helped me gain enough strength to Plan A and then to eventually Plan B, which led to the counseling H and I are jointly involved in. It has been a long and rocky road for me, and MB has been a wonderful help and comfort.

I hope I am saying something of help to you. If you have any specific questions that I could answer, I'll try to help. By the way, our D-day was over a year ago, and we are still working on plain old honesty.

Good luck and take care.

Thanks asgoodasitgets,I'm glad someone has the same feelings as me.
It is different then a "normal" affair as there is same sex gender issues involved and you wonder if your WS has been living a lie with you for years.
It is also hard to meet their EN when the person who did meet them was from another sex.
It also makes it hard to talk to anybody you know about it, an affair is bad enough let alnoe this!
I cannot tell anyone about this and I'm not the type to keep secrets bottled up.
You mentioned that my WS has serious same gender issues, could you expand on that?
Was you WS experimenting with the affair is it more involved than that?
Did your WS admit to bisexuality?
How did he explain his attraction to other men?
Once again thanks to all for their replies I know my situation is more unusual than the majority but there appears to be a least three of us on the MB maybe we should start a thread together?

thanks, Bradley
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by asgoodasitgets:
<strong>Hey Bradley, I really feel for you. My WH has committed infidelities with several different men. And one thing I want to tell you that you haven't heard yet (and I may get flack for this, but I am really seeing this like you are, not like BS with the traditional A) this IS different from the traditional affair!!!! It is not the same because your wife's EN's are being met by a woman, which you are NOT. Your wife has serious same-gender issues which will take intensive counseling, if she wants to deal with them. In a few ways, the A is the same in terms of the secrecy, the romanticism, the thrill of cheating and so on.

I have been in IC for several months. This helped me to deal honestly with all the gruesome details of my H's As. Also, the IC helped me gain enough strength to Plan A and then to eventually Plan B, which led to the counseling H and I are jointly involved in. It has been a long and rocky road for me, and MB has been a wonderful help and comfort.

I hope I am saying something of help to you. If you have any specific questions that I could answer, I'll try to help. By the way, our D-day was over a year ago, and we are still working on plain old honesty.

Good luck and take care.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

BUMP
Hi asgoodasitgets, just a little bump to see if you missed my questions I was hoping you would see!
Things have been up and down since my last post but I think the Celexa has really helped.
My FWS went to her doc and told him everything and was prescribed some anti'd's for her so her guilt doesn't overwhelm her as much.
We just received "His Needs Her Needs" in the mail and will start going over it tonite.
Unfortunately the back ordered "Surviving an Affair" so I'll have to wait for that one.
Right now I just want the hurt to stop its grinding me down.
I went to work for the first time since D-Day and it went o.k., it seemed to get my mind off the A.
My FWS is working very hard to make things work.
I just hate the constant triggers though, they seem to bring it all back again.

Thanks to everyone for their replies

Brad

Well it's been six weeks since d-day, and it seems we are stalled in time.
Almost every nite we sit together and sometimes we talk and sometimes the silence is deafening.
I still feel that the whole story hasn't come out yet and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I'm still struggling with the whole bisexual issue and I'm hoping that what she wants is me and that she is not just trying to do the right thing.
I want to believe her but it seems so hard still with the memories fresh in my mind.
I seem to wake up everyday thinking about the OW and the A and it haunts me for most of the day.
Even during SR it seems to be on my mind and I'm sick of dealing with it on that level.
My FWS is really trying to give it her all and I'm thankful for that, I just wish that I was confident that the whole story is out on the table.
So far we have SR every night (almost) and it seems to be keeping us connected.
Yes my wife is "redfaced" who occasionally posts here also, but last night she feels that she gets too upset and defensive when she reads some of the posts here and she might not post anymore.
Our situation does seem to be unusual and it appears other posters don't know what to write concerning our type of situation.
Sometimes it seems that all we have in common now is the A and it seems to dominate our conversations.
Right now we are taking it one day at a time and hope to bring our lives closer in time.