W may be having EA with former lover - long distance. E-mails were explicit. Our 20 yr M has been very stale for many years, but not negative in any way. We have strayed in our day-to-day - little compatibility. I know now that I haven't been meeting her ENs.

Relationship has been going on for at least 2 yrs. D-day was 7/9/02 - really new. Luckily I found this site 2 days later and have been reading and journaling furiously. Also reading 2 books.

W claims OM will break it off - Christian values. However, evidence of continued contact. I generally fear rejection and have been too soft in addressing my feelings to W. Tonight is the night. We've talked around the subject a couple times. I haven't gotten angry despite my insides splitting. We will sit down tonite for sure. Honesty is the key - I get it. I need to make it safe for W to open up and me too. We'll see.

I have gone out of my way past 2 weeks to show more attention and affection towards W. It feels better compared to our past 10 years and I know that is where we want to get to, but I can't play games at this point.

After having read so much I'm still not sure what to do about the continuing A. I know I can't force it to an end, but I can't leave it alone. I am prepared to go to Plan A, but I'm not sure how to initiate Plan A.

We both agreed that D is not an option. We believe we can work this out and I have faith and perseverence. We have 3 kids and stability in most aspects of our relationship - there is no reason why we can't make it work - if we can just get past the thoughts of them together.

The glass is always half full with me (even though I have had spots of depression lately). What do I do as the BH to keep this moving in the right direction.

I thank all of you for your candid postings, feedback, support. You don't know how much it has meant to me these past 2 weeks. God Bless.

<small>[ August 15, 2002, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: searching2 ]</small>

For me I started Plan A by stopping the LB's to my H. I had to get rid of the anger I had inside for his past indiscretion, stop nagging, and I also started working on being a better person for me. Having a negative attitude is bad was bad for my self esteem, I had to get rid of it.

How about filling out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire for yourself and seeing how your needs need to be met.

Read the SAA book and stop LB'ing. Settle yourself in for a recovery and take care of yourself. I believe this is the most essential thing to move forward.

I am concerned about you M being stale, if an M is stale surely that is a negative thing?

Ben.

SAA is one of the books I am reading and I have avoided LBing. Thanks for the feedback. I think I am on the right path, but it's nice for the confirmation.

Last night was healthy. We shared a lot of what each of us is concerned about - I think we were both honest and we see each others point of view. And it was safe - no LBing. I'm still not sure where the A is going. WW isn't sure either.

Plan A is about being the best you can be for yourself. Meet the needs of your WW as best you can and make sure you try and get your own needs met through any means you can. Some of your needs may not be met so try not to worry about those.

Avoid LB'ing, be supportive, read a lot, but try and take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Take time out for yourself. I would also suggest that you try and timebound discussions so that you do not get emotionally drained. This A stuff is very very tiring.

Your WW may not be truthful so you may get hurt. She will do alot to *protect* the relationaship with OM. Be wary.

What do you do about the A? Let it run it's course. You be the best you can be. Put a time limit on how low you will do Plan A. 3mths? A year? Try and figure out how long. If A is not over by then and WW is not committed to recovery you should consider Plan B.

Are you getting any counselling? Have you considered Anti-D's to help the spots of depression? These are all normal by the way.

Ben.

My advice is to keep the lines of communication open between you and WW. As long as the 2 of you are talking and able to share with each other your feelings in a non-LB way, then nothing but progress can be made. Just be sure you don't overdo it, make sure you take a lot of time for yourself so you can process all that has happened and don't get too caught up in it. Make yourself the safe haven for WW to come to and talk, listen to what she has to say and see if she indicates what her EN's are right now. Do like The Running Man says but also use the EN questionnaire to see if you can figure out what her needs are and how to fulfill them.

The A has to die on its own, you cant force it, but you can do a good Plan A and let WW see how serious you are at making the necessary changes in yourself to be a better person and H to her. WW needs to be the one to break it off with a no contact letter, letting OM do it will only prolong the A and give her an excuse to continue it.

Hang in there, its going to be a roller caster ride for sure, but it sounds like you and WW are starting off on the right foot.
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The advise here has been very helpful. My W (I don't refer to as WW) and I are communicating much better and I am better understanding her relationship with OM. I am not as threatened as I thought. But the advise still applies.

We are still trying to repair many years of disconnect. We need to take it slow - W indicated I was overwhelming her - too much at once - I agree.

No LBing was the most importnat. We've discussed several emotional issues that have been under the table for years - but we treated each other with respect and concern. It was very healthy for both of us.

Reading has been very helpful to me. Whether a dark affair or just a disconnected marriage, these principles can help repair a marriage and I beleive make it stronger than it was before.

Lastly I am taking better care of myself physically. That's good no matter what.

My wife has a saying that she includes in her signature that hit home for me:

"God whispers to our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us.
Listen to the whisper ... or wait for the brick."

In this case He threw the brick at me. I am glad I found this website to help me down the path of recovery.

Thanks for all of your support.