I found out my husband had an affair about two months ago. I feel really stupid. I was too trusting. Looking back on it I think I was in a deep denial and needed to gain strenght before confronting him. After reading several books- it all seems so typical. He denied it. Made me feel stupid for asking. All the signs were there -hidden cell phone bills, more buisness travel. I hired a private detective agency and found out the truth.

I really do think he regrets his actions. What shocks me is the all the lies and how easy it appeared to be for him. I will never know - how many affairs- he claims it is just one (sexual) and one emotional affair.

If I decide to recomit I really feel that I would need to monitor his behavior for some time, without his knowledge, for example, digital recording. I just really am not sure I will ever be able to trust him again.

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here. Trust is tough, because a person has to earn it. Now that the truth is out, I suggest seeking counseling. And also starting your plan A. no LB'ing (easier said than done!). When a spouse strays it destroys the BS's self esteem, but the WS CAN prove to you that he is commited to you. There should be no secrets in a M. You H should let you know where he is and what he is doing!

I also suggest you read SAA, it is a great book. I read it as well as my WH, and it gave us both a lot of insight as to HOW his A could have happened!

Also keep posting to let us know how you are doing, or just to vent!

-mc needs your help

I agree with mc - no LBing. Also take care of yourself. I am new at this too. Keep reading and posting. It helps. Most of all be honest - to W and yourself.

You are in my prayers.

<small>[ August 15, 2002, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: searching2 ]</small>

Thank you so much for your reply. I am feeling so low tonight. I am going to go for consuling. I have an appointment in around a week. Do you think it is unfair to ask my husband to see his credit card records and cell phone bills (I got one month of the cell phone bill from a private detective, but I can`t get any more months). He has them sent to a PO box. I asked him to stop this, his says he will. He also tells me that it is just going to rehash things for me to look at his records and that there is no point to it.

I know...going through the same issues with trust. Hope each day that it will get better. He actually has been trying... as in actually showing me receipts, phone bills, having mail sent home instead of to his work.
But still, he gave me reason not to trust ,its up to him to give me reason to trust in him again.

Its still hard, still supressing the urge to keep driving everytime I am on the road. I have hope though, that it will get better....

Bless to you.

I hate to say this, but even if he did show you his cell phone bills, it would not prove anything. Any man who hid an affair has shown the ease and cunning with which he can lie and deceive you. My husband explained every phone call (even those to whore houses) and has since opened his computer and all bills, etc. to me. Maybe that means he has stopped. Maybe it's only temporary. I think the fact is, we will never know. Can you live with that? Not really trusting him? Holding back enough of yourself that if he does it again you will not be destroyed? I ask myself these questions every day. And the answers change. Today, they are all "no."