This is my first post. My W and I have been married for 25 years. Three months ago, April 12th, D-Day, my wife found out that I had a four year on and off again EA/PA. I had wanted to try to end it once and for all on my own. However, she found out before I was able to take any action on my own because of a card the OW sent me. We both did not want to get divorced and I broke off all contact with the OW and continually expressed my desire to do what ever it took to regain the trust and love of my wife. I found a new faith and support in God for the first time in years and this has helped me tremendously in feeling a sense of hope, new and strong love for my W. Additionally I developed a new sense of total committment to her and to our marriage and family which was wonderful. Although we had many painful nights and discussions, I felt we were making real progress towards recovery. However I made the huge mistake of not being totally truthful to my wife when she asked me if there had been any other women and told her no. Through an internet file search she discovered that I had also been having an affair, stretching over 20 years with OW #2. Hence D-Day #2, two days ago.
There were long periods, as much as 5 years, where I did not see OW#2 due to moving and living in different parts of the country. However, I managed to keep in touch with her from time to time and then when the opportunity to be in the same geographical location came up we would get together.
It has been a terrible two days and my wife is devastated and thinking strongly of divorce. She feels that all she had accomplished in recovering from first finding out about OW#1 was lost. I can't say that I blame her however I have assured her that I also wrote OW#2 at the time she first found out about OW #1 and broke it off with her. I have also been telling her over and over again, and reinforcing the fact, that I have changed so much in the last three months. That I am totally committed to her, and love her above all else. I pray for forgiveness everyday and can't express enough the deep and terrible sorrow I have for what I have done to her for so long.
I now realize that this was more than just having an affair, but it was compulsive obsessive behavior on my part. Over the years I had become caught up in a vicious cycle of seeking out forbidden sex, only to feel terribly guilty and sad about what I had done. Then as some time had passed I would again become drawn back to the OW's to repeat the cycle. Until all this happened I often wondered why I could not stop doing what I was doing. I suffered from so much stress and guilt, having to lie to my W about so many things, and generally was constantly in a cycle of hating myself for what I was doing and wanting to stop, but then finding myself going back for more.
However, since I first made a new committment to God and my wife after she first found out about OW#1, all feelings of desire and lust for the OW's are gone. Also as terribly difficult and emotionally painful all this had been, I feel a new sense of inner peace that I am finally on the path in life with God's help and my sense of absolute and total committment to my wife and family is only strengthend. I know in my heart that I want to be the absolute best husband she could ever want me to be and that I will cherish her, take care of her, and most importantly put her and my family, #1 about all else in life.
However, I want to seek out additional assistance and guidance to help me ensure that my previous C-O behavior will never rear its ugly head again in my life. If anyone out there has any suggesstions on books to read, good on-line resources, or counseling centers, I would appreciate it. Otherwise, please pray for me and my W and my God help see us through this terribly difficult and dark period of our lives.
Blake1, Age 51
Wife 49
