I have been reading the info on this site about infidelity and am even considering the weekend workshop in MN. But I have not seen my particular situation addressed. Where do the "experts" stand on infidelity of the sexually-addictive nature?

My husband did not have the decency to fall in love with another woman and develop a relationship. He was apparently just pretending to do that with me. As we built and blended our family together, he was frequenting pornographic internet sites, strip clubs, massage parlors and brothels around the country on business trips (some of which he scheduled for the sole purpose of pleasing himself.)

So.. even if he has stopped, as he claims, where does that leave me. There is no one "other woman" for me to hate or blame. It is him. All him. And even though I learned about this 10 months ago, more details and more lies emerge each few months.

I am at my wit's end. I have dug deeply into my capacity for empathy and forgiveness. But on day's like this I wonder if those heroic attempts are just wasted on him. I am glad to know I have the capacity to love unconditionally, I just do not know if he is deserving of that love- from me.

So... please help me. If anyone has dealt with this supposed addiction, let me know if anything ever really changes.. if I will ever be able to trust him again... if I am pathetic to even want to try. I am sooo tired and so sad and so hurt and so disappointed. We really had a shot at something wonderful together. And I believe he has ruined it. Thanks

Ready - I can't explain it, but I am recovering from it myself. I can't explain how it happened in the 1st place, nor explain my recovery. It was an addiction, not due to dissatifaction with my M.

<small>[ August 15, 2002, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: searching2 ]</small>

Hi Ready -- I will try and find the name of the book I saw about this specific issue. It is an addiction. In addition to my WH real life affair, he previously had problems with internet pornography and an occassional visit to a strip club. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please remember it is nothing you did -- this is an addiction just like alcohol or gambling and your husband needs professional help. I'll look for this right now and try and get it posted to you tomorrow on this thread.

Hi,
I don't have much to offer on ways of addition. Just wanted to say welcome, and I'm sorry you had to come here.

There are many here who care and understand what you are going through.

Thank you all for your support. To those of you who think this is a legitimate (excusable) addiction, I can only say that I agree on a "good day." But for every book printed on the matter, there is another saying it is not an addiction that causes a man to repeatedly cheat on and lie to his wife (with the highest-risk partners available) but a CHOICE. I don't care if his mommy didn't love him enough when he was a child. We all have our baggage. The simple fact is, I did love him "enough" (and then some!!) as an adult. There is no excuse for what he did. And frankly, as for the alcoholic comparison, the law does not let off a person guilty of vehicular homicide because he or she was drunk. It is still a choice to get behind the wheel. He could battle whatever demons he had. It was a CHOICE to hire all those women to do what his wife was doing for free, with deep love.

Dear ready,
I just found out myself that my husband has been cheating. I am convinced that people cannot change their basic personality traits. I am so sorry to hear what your husband did. That is the utmost egoistic behavior. Whenever someone cheats (especially repeatedly) they don't think about the pain they are causing. I am struggling to kick my husband out after "just" a one- and as he says- first time cheating episode. Pull your pride together-I am sure you are a beautiful and intelligent woman (you found this website!!!). Kick the guy out of your life and find somebody honest who deserves your love.
All the best- and a lot of strength!