My wife and I are both in the military. In Jan 02, I came over here to Saudi Arabia, a one year assignment for me. My wife stayed back on AZ for a school and to work. Well, being a geographical bachelorette in a heavily male atmosphere got the better of her, and she carried on an affair with a peer for about 4 months. I went home on leave in time for both of us to find out she's pregnant! It took about a week for her to figure out who she wanted to be with, because he tried to get her to to leave me, take our daughter, and marry him. In that week, I did a fairly good job with Plan A, because we are both Christians and I love her tremendously, even with this pain. Thankfully, she chose to recommit to our marriage in the end. We saw a Christian MC while I was still home, but now I'm back over here, and I worry about her. I talk with her every day, trying to reconnect mentally and emotionally, so she's not so vulnerable, but I sometimes feel helpless. Dr. Harley emphasizes couples taking time together at the start of marital recovery. I can't do that until July of 2003 because my time here was extended 5 months! I found MB while I was reading Surviving an Affair, which I found in the chaplain's library here. The book and website are helping tremendously.

Am I a dunce? Back in 99, my wife had a 2 night affair with an ROTC classmate (she was a cadet at the time) while I was in Egypt. Again, a geographical bachelorette in a heavily male atmosphere (the military). Sometimes I feel so stupid, and sometimes I feel like I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do, because I love, and choose to love, my wife!

Is there anything I can do from 1/2 a world away? Right now, her mother is the only one who knows the whole story, and she's helping maintain accountability back there. My wife has promised to see the church counselor, but after a week back there in AZ, has yet to schedule an appointment. She's promised me she'd see her this week, but I'm getting restless about it.

We're going to keep the baby, and I will raise it as daddy. I've dedicated this to God and to my wife. There's got to be a reason for it. I'm also worried the other man will try to insert himself back into our relationship, which is why I'm going to contact his boss (adultery is still a crime in the military) and chaplain to force counseling for him; he has shown no remorse for what he's done, just for the pain he's caused my wife and what he's losing by not being able to be the father he wants to be.

Sometimes I get so angry about it! Self-inflicted pain, man, so no sympathy! You knocked up another man's wife while he was in the Middle East; and he outranks you by quite a bit! I've had my vengeful moments when I wanted to use rank and contacts to destroy his life. At this point, though, I just want to make sure he doesn't do this to any other marriages. My wife was weak and vulnerable, and he took advantage of that. It pisses me off.

Any ideas on how I can fulfill my wife's needs from 10 time zones away, or protect her from him or any other hunting dirtbags?

<small>[ July 29, 2002, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: Christiansoldier ]</small>

Hi CS...

Welcome to MB and I can definitely relate to the pain you're feeling right now. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

All of my wife's A's were when I was stationed overseas and I was away in the field... so I know how "helpless" you feel right now. I just got back from a 6 mo. deployment to Kosovo and the time apart was hard on both of us. (My wife ended all contact with the OM in 1990 and she's been faithful ever since... but the separation was still hard for me because of the past).

I guess the only advice that I can give you is to keep loving your wife and put your M into God's hands. I realized when I was in Kosovo that there was absolutely NOTHING that I could do while I was deployed... I had to trust God to take care of everything. In a sense, we were in a holding pattern until I returned. I did learn that the harder I tried to "force" my wife to read this book or go to that MC... that the more she withdrew from me.

You are taking a very godly stance in keeping this child as your own and for remaining committed to your M. You might want to see if you can get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... It's been very helpful for us.

Thanks for serving our country...hang in there and know that you've got a fellow soldier praying for you.

Semper Fi,(I'm a former Marine but spend 11yrs on AD in the Army and am still in the USAR)
RIF90

Welcome to MB, I'm sorry you have to be here. I just wanted to say that being away in the mlitary is no excuse for her infidelity! My H is also in the military, and has been gone for several months at a time, and I have NEVER even for a moment thought about stepping out of my vows... HE was the one who did that!

I think you are a great person for being willing to raise another mans child, and your wife is lucky to have you!

I wish you the best of luck, and as the last poster said... Thank you for serving and protecting our country!

-mc needs your help

Hi CS,

I don't have words of wisdom to offer with regards to miles between you.

I wanted to say I have alot of respect for you. Loving your WW so much that you will raise this baby as your own. As long as OM does not interfere, this child will know no other and you will be his/her daddy. I will add, that if it was my love bank that was being filled, this would make it overflow. I hope is has the same effect for your W.

On the plus side, she knows that she wants to be with you. Do your best to keep in contact with her as often as you can. Let her know how you feel about her.

I developed a relationship onver the phone with a former boyfriend. We dated, there was no sparks or nothing, he met someone else, married her, she cheated, they divorced. He called me from where he relocated after the divorce, over the phone I started having feelings for him that I did not have the first time around. It eventually did not work out, but not for reasons of miles between us, he became terminally ill. My point here is that if you discuss issues that are important, make her feel special, and hopefully this will help.

Good luck to you and thanks for serving our country.

Well, thank you for the encouragement. I have some questions, though, on how we can fully start this recovery process while we're 10 time zones apart.

I know that I am not without sin in this situation. Because my WW was a victim of date rape as a teenager, she's had a lot of emotional problems, which are really the root cause of her A's.

My problem is that I did not provide the necessary leadership or fulfill all her emotional needs. I've been away so much, not giving her everything she's needed. My sin is not taking action to stop her sin, just like Adam with Eve. I didn't even hold her accountable after the first A, becuase I got back from Egypt 3 months after it ended, and I was just happy to come home to a solvent marriage.

Someone please tell me, what has worked for you, when you can't be there in person to begin recovery and fulfill your WS's needs? I can not and will not go through this again, overseas or not. I contemplated suicide this time, although God has saved me from further thoughts of that. After a few days, I finally admitted to myself that I was borderline on a nervous breakdown. If this happens again, I literally will lose my mind, and my wife right now can't guarantee me that it won't, because she's not confident in herself, and not giving it to God yet. All she can do right now is promise that she loves me, and that she'll listen to my judgment calls to help her stay away from the temptation.

Dear God, I feel so lost and alone...

Rescue, anyone?

Has she had counseling for the "date rape"? How about counseling for self esteem. It sounds to me that she needs counseling for both these issues.

She needs to learn to be content living alone while you are away and to find activities that she finds fulfilling, and keeps her faithful.

CS,

You do not say what branch of the service you are in and I am not familiar with what is in AZ. Being an AF wife, I know that we had some awesome family support centers and that they had many activities planned for us while spouses were TDY and deployed, that might be a place for her to be without temptations. It is hard to be seperated.

If you have the rank and the means, I would have one of them transferred to another base/post. I've seen it done.

How do you meet her emotional needs being 10 times zones away? First find out what her needs are, ask her to take the questionairre, you do so also. Then map out a plan that will allow you to meet the needs that you can. Affection can be done 10 time zones away. Emails with little notes, encouragement.

Flowers can be sent if you call back to the operator at the base where she is and have them patch you through to the base flower shop, using your CC they will send her flowers, balloons or candy. It's cheaper then trying to set something up from over there or using the BX/PX, I use to give my card out at deployment briefings. When our support group would meet, I knew by the smiles who had gotten flowers!!!

My computer had my STBXH time on it while he was in Korea and his mine, that way we knew what the other was doing and could send messages that corresponded to the time of day.

Write her poetery, tape a love letter that you have written (not mentioning the A) send her these things. Keep flattering her, not running her down for her past transgressions, she will respond, show her what it is you want and expect from her and she will want to do those things.

I am sure that it will be very hard for her with people putting 2 and 2 together about the pregenancy and your deployment, remember this and show some empathy for her, in this regard!!!

Is it possible to find her a life coach right now? A female friend or someone from the chapel that would be willing to be there to listen to your spouse in times of need or dispair, that would coach her along the right paths? Something like a mentor, again it goes back to if she sees and her hears what it is people want and expect from her she will be wanting to do these things.

You must take care of yourself at all times, you can not allow yourself to be beaten up over this.
I have a F.R.O.G. bracelet that I were daily, and I have Fully Relyed On God to take care of me and the situation that I find myself in. Everytime I am a little down or doubting that the Lord is with me I run my fingers over the indented letters and smile, Man with God on my side does my STBX stand a chance? Probably not!! Am I going to recover this marriage, probable not, am I going to recover from this mess? By God I am and that is all that counts.

So say the Lords prayer and keep the faith!!

My most recent situation is posted over on GQII board and If it wasn't my family being hurt, it would almost be funny, a sense of humor has taken me a long way through all of this.

My e mail is available, you might also go over GQII and post as there is sometimes more action there on the weekends.

May the Lord Bless and Keep you in his loving arms. Amen

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi CS,

Dawn has some great words of wisdom for you to try... I would also add that you should find a good Christian brother (either there where you're deployed, or back home via e-mail). This person should be someone that you trust and that you feel comfortable in confiding with.

It sounds like you've gotten over the initial shock, and that you are doing as well as can be expected right now... realize that you are going to have more "down" times during your deployment and plan for them.... Plan on how YOU are going to respond and react to a trigger/event BEFORE it happens... talk it over with your Christian brother... then trust in Christ to get you through it.

I know how hard it is to be deployed and be away from your family... and it's even doubly hard when you know that your spouse has been unfaithful in the past. Again, put your trust in Christ and He will take care of you. He will never leave you, or forsake you....

Hang in there... if you'd like to e-mail me, my e-mail is rif90@msn.com

Semper Fi,
RIF90