I just found out that my husband (together 10 years, married 7 years) had an affair. He told me about it the morning after he kissed the OW (claims nothing else happened-but admits the intention). They had been flirting for months at work. He says now, it was the biggest mistake of his life and that he only loves me and that he does not want to loose me. I am disgusted. First I was only furious, now I am more and more hurt. It is so bad that I even think about not wanting to live anymore-just to get away from this pain. I put away my wedding ring (given to me with the promise before God of amor y fidelidad). He says he does not know why he started this affair. Midlife crisis-depression? He already went to see a therapist a few days after it happened.He went to church with me, writes me letters and really tries to convince me how much he loves me. I can't believe a word he is saying. I think that people cannot change their basic personality traits.If you lie once you will do it again. I have loved him with my body and soul. I have admired him. We have two small beautiful children. I am a successful woman with a great career. I get a lot of admiring glances from other men but for 10 years I have been faithful to my husband and loved him with all my heart. I am devastated.I am so hurt that I just don't want to live anymore.

Iceprincess-

Yes, you do want to live evermore, you want to get through this and become a better person, you want to find out why your H had the A and how you can reconcile your M and make it better than it ever was, you want to do all these things and many more. How do I know? Because you came to Marriage Builders for help!

Read everything you can here, read the general welcome threads that are bumped from time to time, get a copy of Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs and read them front to back. If you are feeling too depressed, get to your doctor for some AD's if needed, get to a therapist who specializes in situations like this and who believes that marriages can be restored after an A. But most of all, pray, pray and pray, ask God for guidance.

It aint a pleasant thing to go through, we can all attest to that, but you can and you will make it! Get ready for the most unbelievable roller coaster ride of your life.

Good luck, we are all here for you whenever you need us.

IP - Sorry you had to come here, but this is a great place for support and comfort. Some positives in your situation:

1) He told you right away, before it got beyond the kissing stage (how I wish my wife had done the same for me instead of having a full-blown affair for 2.5 years!)
2) If they've "only" been flirting, perhaps there's no emotional attachment
3) he is remorseful and acknowledges his mistake.

There's actually a lot of hope here, IP. Absorb everything you can on this site, and talk this situation through with your husband. Let him know how this has affected you, and ask him to commit to working with you on restoring the trust, etc. Let him know that he needs to be completely honest with you about the extent of his involvement.

I'll pray for you both as you work through this obstacle. Things look pretty dark right now, but you can restore what you had. Your kids need both of you to try.

I too just found out that my W had an A two years ago and was contemplating another. I too have gone through the roller coaster emotions ride. I just found out about the A last week. A coworker told me what he saw and I caught it before the Second came to be. Remember to pray everyday. God will help you and your H work through this. My W had a two night stand and it meant nothing. She doesn't know if she wants to be married. I show her why we need to continue and work this out. One reason you do love him or you would not be here. Two my W and I have two Children together that's why we have to stay and make it work. God say's what he has joined let no man or woman put that asunder. Trust God and your faith and talk, talk and talk until you work it out. You have 10 years of investment. Give him some space and show him you trust and forgive him and that wound will start to heal. Be ready for the long haul. God Bless you and I will be praying for you.

Dear "loveherstill", "shattered in sf" and "randy",

thank you so much for your kind words. Your wifes were so lucky to have husbands like you. How could they not know? But I guess sometimes people are just blind...
I have read everything on this site many times. Two days after d-day my husband and I filled out the EN and LB questionnaires. Turns out there was NOTHING bothering him. Why cheat on your loving "perfect" wife??? He says he was blind and now he is scared to death that I 'll leave him. He may be right there. Not only that he shattered my trust, abused my love and destroyed our friendship. I don't think that he deserves a woman like me. This pain is getting worse every day (husband had to take older child on vacation with my family for two weeks, didn't want to go but i told him to leave, will return Sunday). I hate him for what he has done to me and our children. I don't want to work through this with him, I don't dare to ever love him again. You guys are wrong to think that I am in this forum to run after him and beg him please not to do this again. It is incredible how many people give up all their pride. I pray to God to give me the strength to leave him. He broke the promise he gave to me. I have a real problem with this catholic attitude of "forgiving those who have sinned".

Hi IP,

It isn't a catholic attitude about forgiving, I'm not catholic. I want to save my M because I don't want my children to go through the pain of a divorce. I watched my neice go through it. If I didn't have children, I would recover and move on. I do have children who need their father. That is very important to me. I'm not a very forgiving person either. Don't get me wrong, I love my H, he hurt me, just as I understand the pain he caused you. My advise is to not make any decisons while the experience is new. You need time to absorb and think things through. If you really decide to not continue your M, you want to be sure you will have no regrets later.

Shattered in SF, has some very valid points. Your H told you before it became a full blown affair. He loves you enough that he stopped himself. He respects you enough to tell you. I wish my H would be this honest with me.

There are plenty who would say, what she does not know won't hurt her. The A never actually happened, we only flirted, and a little kiss happend. The wife does not need to know.

Most of us out here are trying to get through, recover from affairs that were full blown, or affairs that don't end. Trying to make a M work is not giving up your pride. I will always have my pride. You see, I am proud that I did not have an A, I am proud that I put my children first, I am proud that I am in school, I am proud that I work full time. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Can the WS say the same????

You have to live with any decision you make. Make sure it is one you will have no regrets over. Your decision effects your children also. Just as your H's decision effects your children.

Take care

<small>[ July 30, 2002, 09:20 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

But you see, running away from this may solve the immediate problem, but it isnt going to solve the real reason why things happened the way they did. Your WH filled out the EN questionairre in a way that he knew wouldnt offend you. He is scared that you are going to leave him, and rightly so.

It is understandable to feel the way you are feeling right now. Everyones emotional level is at an all time high and you are feeling every emotion possible, sometimes all at the same time. Please dont make any major decisions right now, give yourself some time to come to grips with what has happened. Its going to be a roller coaster of emotions for a long time to come, dont do anything you will regret later on.

An example (true story). Our neighbors are both divorced, being the victims of unfaithful spouses for both. It was this common thread that brought them together and within 9 mos after leaving thier spouses, they got married to each other, bought the house next to us and tried to blend thier families togehter. Soon after, they realized that infidelity was about the only thing they had in common. Problems ensued and with 1- 1/2 years after they got married, they decided to split up. I was talking to the lady about this and she said they both realized that they made a huge mistake by not trying to work through the infidelity first before deciding if the M was salvagable. The lady even admitted that she still had feelings for her ex-H and had started to go out with him again.

Just some food for thought.

Hang in thier IcePrincess, your in a far better position that a lot of us are (me included). Your WH sounds like he really wants to make things work, dont discount that.

<small>[ August 31, 2002, 04:19 AM: Message edited by: Iceprincess ]</small>

OOPS -triple post

I am so computer illiterate...

<small>[ August 31, 2002, 04:20 AM: Message edited by: Iceprincess ]</small>

Dear Sue,

I am so grateful to hear your opinion. I have to tell you that this was not just a kiss, he admits the intention to sleep with her-only her boyfriend walked in on them and stole our cellphone. so he had to be concerned that the guy would call my number and I'd find out. This was much worse than it sounds. I don't know how I'll treat my husband when he comes back. I am so hurt that I just want to get away from this pain which he caused -deliberately out of his own egoistic will. How can you and many others here still LOVE their WSs? My love is "shattered"-I despise him. Kids or not...

Hi IP,

We all have our reasons, for me The kids play a major factor in my trying to make it work. Dont get me wrong, I do love my H, I don't know if I would try if the kids were not here, this is a question I cannot answer because that is not the circumstances I am in.

We separated once, and I struggled daily trying to raise 2 children. Everytime I called in because of a sick child, I feared I would lose my job. I knew that legally they could not do that to me. I also knew that I worked for a company that would find a legitimate reason to fire me. With my check and the child support, I barely made ends meet. I didn't want my children growing up this way. The love for my children help to keep me strong. I also have one child who does not adjust to change very well, a divorce would be major emotional issues for him.

Now, I understand your situation a little better. I got the impression he felt guilty about a kiss. I still suggest that you take the time you need to make the right decision for you and your children. However you decide, be honest with him. If you decide to not kick him out right away, while you make this decision, let him know. If you want a separation while you decide if you want to be M to him, let him know.

Just don't decide while you are in the worst pain of your life. Yes, it gets worse, then it does get better. I remember about a week afterwards, I was in the worst pain ever. I was leaving work, and started crying and screaming at god to let me die. I could not bear the pain any more. Then common sense took over and if I died, then that means he will introduce her to MY children and I would not have any of that. So death was not in my best interest. This is the worst roller coaster ride of your life. Even if you decide to file for a divorce, you still have to recover from this betrayal.

Take care, and take the time you need to do what is right for you and your children.

<small>[ July 30, 2002, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Liza - It's natural that you're feeling anger right now. And because of your anger, it is also the worst time to be making life-changing decisions. Try to collect yourself, and think all this through rationally. You may end up with the same conclusion, but at least you will have arrived at it outside of your raw emotions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You guys are wrong to think that I am in this forum to run after him and beg him please not to do this again. It is incredible how many people give up all their pride. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I assure you that most of the people on this forum do not fit what you describe above. Most are simply attempting to retain their integrity, to honor their vows (even when it may seem ludicrous to try), to restore a broken relationship that God made possible in the first place. And as far as forgiving someone who has sinned - well, we're all sinners. You know that.

Speaking for myself, I felt much the same way you did initially. I had always thought that if my wife ever cheated on me, she'd be out the door in no time. But, much to my surprise, that's not how it played out. Somewhere in the aftermath of discovering her infidelity, I also re-discovered what grace is all about. And that realization is more powerful than my shock, anger, confusion, etc.

Rather than praying for the strength to leave, I prayed for the strength to work toward the restoration of my marriage. If things don't work out, it won't be for my lack of effort. I'll be able to face myself, and my kids, and know that I did everything I could.

My wife is devastated by her actions, and her guilt is obvious just by looking at her. And she discovered something, too - what real love is. Not the kind she thought she found in her fantasy world, but love that won't abandon, that won't demean or belittle, that won't turn into hate.

From what you wrote, it sounds like your husband may have gotten the wake-up call he needed. If he's sincerely willing to try to restore things, give it a chance - for your sake as well as for your children. Be determined for them, and show your husband what real love is. You just might get back the guy you married.

Dear sue, dear shattered,

what wonderful people you are. Reading your postings I can feel some of my inner peace return. Thank you so much for your support.
I can't sleep at night anymore and when I have to go to work in the morning I am so tired. I think all the time about what he did and the worst thing is that I don't have a clue what were his reasons. He just says he doesn't know either (maybe lying again, fear of losing me?).

Hi IP,
He may not really know why, and it might be fear. I don't recall who's thread I read, but I remember someone mentioning something about when they discussed the time period during the A, that the WS, did not remember alot of what they said or did. Whereas the BS, recalls it all. Stress and shock have major impacts on a persons memory. Some refer to is as a "fog" that the person is in. They behave in a manner totally foreign to their character. Some refer to is as an alien abduction. I have many of the same type of questions/answers. The few things I do confront my H on, he has the lamest answers in the world. Some are so lame they are actually amusing.

I wish I could tell you that this will end soon. Regardless of your decision regarding you M, you will have to ride the rollercoaster to recover emotionally. That is why I recommend some of the links here and the SAA book. They don't only deal with how to repair you M. They also deal with how to heal yourself. And coming here helps also. We have been there and understand what you are going through.

Liza,

You are hurt, and rightly so, but you must try to contol that anger and not allow yourself to act on the "feelings". You see, when we act on the "feelings" and not on the rational level, we make grave mistakes.

Your H acted on his feelings when he did what he did. He didn't plan it or want to do it to hurt you...his feelings led him astray.

If you act on that same level now and leave him, refuse to forgive him, and want to hurt him, you will soon find that it was a mistake. You married him because you love him, you too promised "amor y fidelidad", and that includes forgiveness.

Believe me, your husband is far better than many others we deal with here daily. Most WSs don't confess their As, they don't express remorse, they don't end them and beg for forgivness...most of them, like my W, lie, cheat and hurt us for a long time before they realize their mistake and start doing what your H did so quickly.

Have faith, be patient, give him a chance, and give yourself a chance to calm down and take a good look at what you have, and what you could lose. Abre tu corazon y dejale entrar.

I' ve been looking for an apartment in NYC today , close to my work. I just can't stand to be near him. I'll need a lot of time to sort out my feelings. Maybe I'll leave, maybe I'll work with him. I don't know at this point. None of you guys has answered my question; how can you LOVE your Wss? How can you forgive someone who has hurt you so much? How can you overcome this abyss of pain?

We love our WS's because we loved them before the A and after the initial shock wears off, we realize that we still love them. We also realize that the love we have for them is so much more than the love they felt during the fantasy of the A. If we didnt, we wouldnt be here fighting for our M like we are. Youve been together for 10 years and probably have been through some great times and some not so great times, but you persevered becasue you love your WS. You cant give up without fighting, can you?

It think that is why it is so important not to make any major decisions while our emotional levels are so high. We are running on adreline and not on rational thought so wee need to take the time to think things through.

Forgiveness doesnt come right away, it takes a lot of hard work on both sides before you can reach that point, but it can be done. Just as God forgives us for our sins, we can forgive our WH's. You will get throught this a better, stronger person, trust me on that. When I first found out about my WW's A, I was as devestaed as you were and felt exactly the same way. But, with a lot of work adn effort (and the beautiful people here at MB) I ahve survicved and have become a stronger person, even W has mentioned the positive changes in me.

hang in there, we will all get through this.

Believe me, I have been there and you CAN regain your love and trust. It takes a lot of hard work, but you are lucky because your H is willing to do it. You are more fortunate than I am, your H willingly told you. My H had an affair with my former best friend. They both lied about it and I found out the truth 6 YEARS later. He only told me because he was forced to in counseling. He told the counselor he had promised her he'd never tell. That hurt like ****.

Yes, it's very hard. But counseling and lots of prayer saved our marriage. I know it's tempting to give it all up. But I do not believe you'd be any happier, just alone. You also have children to be considered. We did not have kids at the time, we have a miracle baby now. 16 years in the making to be exact! We would not have this child if I had given up.

I won't lie and say it's easy. Just be glad he didn't have sex with her. My H did, and even brought her into my home and bed which has broken my heart like I can't describe. She was also his employee and married to his best friend/partner so it got extremely messy. I feel like a major fool for believing that it was an emotional affair only for all those years. My pride made it seem like I should leave him for what he did at times. I'm glad now I didn't.

I strongly suggest you read the book Torn Asunder together. It really helped us and our counselor started using it in her practice also.

Good luck and hugs

I know it's been said before, but please give your H credit for owning up and asking you to work on your M! There are many whose WS is so foggy that he/she CANT own up to their behavior, and so confused that he/she doesn't WANT to work on the marriage until much, much later.

If your H had not been honest with you about it - if you had "discovered" the A - if there had been years of EA/PA that you didn't know about - if your H was so foggy that he continued to lie right to your face when you tried to discuss the situation - if your H was so confused that he walked out to live with his OW - please, think about what your H actually did: HE OWNED UP! That's huge, considering what some folks go through. It's just my view, but I think that because he DID own up to it and has indicated that he does not want to lose you, your H really does love you and really does want to work things out. (I could be wrong - sure wouldn't be the first time!)

Maybe you could try looking at the whole mess as an opportunity to create a much stronger, much better marriage? Some of the very wise MBers have said their marriage got BETTER THAN EVER after they did the work to heal from infidelity. They won't tell you it is easy - healing a marriage IS work. And it does take both of you working towards the same goal: healing the marriage.

Do take care of yourself and please don't rush to a lawyer while your emotions are in turmoil. There will be plenty of time to get all that done if you decide that is what you truly want to do. If you rush into D now, when you are in shock and angry and hurt, you may find down the road that a divorce wasn't at ALL what you really wanted, and then you are left with regrets. If you take your time and decide that you really DO want to divorce, you can go forward knowing that you rationally and calmly made the best decision you could make. If you take your time and decide that you really DO want to work on the marriage, you can go forward knowing that you are giving it your very best effort - and if it fails, you will have no regrets. Don't decide while your emotions are in turmoil - they WILL level off - be patient with yourself!

Good luck to you,

You people are just great, thank you so much. "Like old friends on the same journey" Everybody seems to think the same: work on the marriage, this wasn't so bad, we've seen much worse, your WH regrets it and wants to work on the M (how do we know he's not lying...?!!) I read Dr. Harley's "Surviving an affair today to page 63- and Sue's permanent lying about continuing her affair to Greg sounds threatening. Is there nobody out there who was as disgusted and ready to leave as I am? Do I want to work with this man who has done something so hurtful to me? I have some clue now what was the problem: admiration...when it came from me (and I often -daily- admired him with all my heart) it did not really count, because I was the same person who criticized him for not helping me do the taxes (just an example) and -yes- in the dream world of an affair there are no taxes. The OW had great admiration for him because of the things he did for her through his job. I don't see that affair at an end now, despite all that talking from him. He is so scared to loose me that he would say ANYTHING just to have me stay. If I leave he'll go back to the OW for sure, because there is no more admiration coming from my side. It is not coming anymore anyway because I am just to appalled by what he did. This affair did not die the usual way. I think there is much more to come here. And I won't be around to watch this. I don't love him anymore, I don't trust him anymore. I have never been so hurt and all of this just for some admiration from a woman seven years older than me? Someone who he says could never reach up to me, someone who could never replace me as his wife. He says he has been blind and now he sees that I am his life and his love. But I think this comes too late for me. He seems like a stranger now to me. My love is gone...