Dear Liza,

I am so glad that things are overall doing great. I hope that someday I will be able to have positive posts such as yours. In the mean time, I just hang in there, and get inspiration from others who are working together for a better M.

If I thought my H would do it, I would direct him to MB and to read some of the books available. Unfortunately for him, he has this phobia over counseling. He won't even go with to our sons sessions (nothing major, he has a selective eating disorder, mostly control issues).

Sue

I woke up feeling the same way as you. Questioning my will to live as opposed to going through one more ounce of pain. My husband had an affair 7 months ago, and although everything was going great, I recently found a letter indicating that she was a girl at work. He has since quit to make me happy. I'm preoccupied with revenge, I can't stop crying, and at times, not sure that I want to continue going on, as what is there to be hopeful about. A part of me really hates him and I feel very alone. And yet he is so good to me. Does this get any better? I'll tell you what, I'll promise today to pray for you and me, and to build my self-esteem up by doing things just for myself and my kids. I strongly believe that eventually this too shall pass. I have even considered counselling as I believe I may have some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder. Together we'll take one day at a time. Don't forget to love yourself, and if you are willing, allow yourself to love your husband again. It's probably the first time in a long time that you should put yourself first. Whatever you do, don't give up. I promise I won't.

Dear Sue, dear "Angel",

no-WE won't give up! I have tried thinking positive thoughts, trying to block out the negative ones when they "attack" me. I have asked my husband to hold me and tell me all those wonderful loving words again and again. You talked about post-traumatic stress- yes, that's how I feel, too. I still can't eat and- when I'm not with him-I feel so scared, so nervous that I can hardly function in my profession and in managing our household, all of which is quite complex.
I am so glad to read your postings. To know that you nice people are there helps tremendously.

Dear MBs,

yesterday was a horrible day. We got a phone call from our former best friends with whom we were always together when we were dating and during the first year of our marriage before they moved away to another state. They just had their second baby in June and now the wife was diagnosed last week with advanced cancer. It is too advanced even to try to operate it. Her husband asked me to try to find out if there are experimental trials going on at my ivy-league university. It is one of the best hospitals in the country, but I know that there are very few options for this disease. I am so afraid that she will never even see their little daughters graduate Kindergarten. I have spend almost all of last night crying. It is more than I can take right now. I have lost my trust in God. I feel I can't face this horrible world anymore. I didn't even want to talk to my husband anymore. I feel so numb, so destroyed, so hurt, so afraid.

Hi Liza,

This is horrible news. God does not cause cancer, there are many risk factors for cancer, some in our control, some are not such as environmental. Why do some exposed to these risks get cancer and other do not, who knows. And in some cases it just happens.

I know this is very hard for you. A woman at my work just finished a battle of cancer with her 2year old. They lost. She kept a on line journal through caringbridge about her babies progress. I felt bad for her pain. She always kept her faith in god, hoping a praying that the treatments would work.

From what you have said about your H, he sounds like he will be supportive for you during this time.

Liza -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have lost my trust in God. I feel I can't face this horrible world anymore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's natural to feel hopeless when things unravel around you. Now that you're hit with two tragedies at the same time, it's hard to know where to turn. Away from God is not where you want to go, though. These are the times when He sustains you, when He carries you. Yes, you're in horrible pain right now. But without Him, how will you find the peace and comfort that you need right now? I haven't discovered anything else that works.

Lose yourself in prayer and in the love of your children and husband. Faith, family, friends - nothing else really matters in the long run, right? Use them - they'll get you through.

Dear "shattered",

you are so right. On some days things look brighter and then I try to trust in God.

Actually over the past two days the tragedy with our friends seems to have set my husbands and my priorities straight. We still have each other and we can try to work this out. Our friends will loose each other and there is NOTHING in this world that can keep her alive.

My husband and I understandeach other without words, like when we both thought at the same time, that instead of spending a long weekend in the Caribbean to fix our M, we should go to see our friends.

There has been no contact between my H and OW, he says he doesn't care one bit about her, he feels that he only loves me and that it was a huge mistake. I start to believe him, because of all his loving words and actions. He looks at me again with that sparkle in his eyes.

We spoke about "what ifs..." and this may be interesting for many people here: this A was abruptly ended by the OW boyfriend walking in on them. After reading Steve's books I said to my H: what if this had continued beyond that one night and you would have fueled the fire and really fallen in love with her and abandoned me and the children. He said that he NEVER loved her, but I am sure that this is the "natural course" of As.

So maybe in all of this there is some positive point. It did not go too far, there was little emotional attachment and this way we learned about Steve, ENs and how to build a stronger M. My H said in the future he'll always heed Steve's advice that when you feel some degree of attraction to another person, don't walk away -RUN.

My H said that yesterday was the first day for him since d-day that he felt happiness again, because he now sees that I am not going to leave him for this. If no more bad things happen I am open for a new beginning and I hope so much that our love will return.

Liza -
I am so, so happy to hear that things are improving for you. My heart ached when I read about your friend's health - I admire you for facing yet another tragedy with so much courage. You have truly been a source of inspiration for me. I feel like I have seen you go through so many emotions, yet you have remained strong. I can see why your husband and children feel lucky to have you - I wish you the best and I hope to continue to hear how you are doing.

WTW

Dear Liza,

I am new member here at MB and i have been reading all of your posting and found it encouraging. My A happen one month today. Read my story at...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=001833

...when you have a chance.

I moved out since d-day and was set on moving on to Plan-B until someone told me about this site and now starting to change my mind. Well actualy, my mind is till set on Plan-B, but my heart is in Limbo between Plan-A and B.

Each day for me is hard. Now i feel that i made a mistake on telling WS that its over and I never want to be with her again.

I so confuse now, before i thought i was sure of myself, but now i am questioning about everything i decide to do next. Our wedding anniversary is coming up, should i see her or should keep staying away? I just not sure anymore.

Anyway, I am glad things are working out for you. You have gaving me hope. Thanks.

Liza,

I am so HAPPY for you.

Dear friends,

today I really lost it. After we went food shopping with our little one and had a wonderful romantic pizza dinner in the wholesale place (yes-really romantic, me in the new little black dress. It all depends on attitude and we were soo happy).

We are driving home and I notice that the EZpass tag is sitting crooked on its velcro holder. Bang-my heart really turned into a chunk of ice. My husband used my old car last week a couple of days to go to work because it was so hot and his doesn't have A/C (since d-day I've been using the sports car convertible I gave him for his bithday 4 months ago-to prevent midlife crisis-now it's MINE, LOL). So I see that someone had removed the tag in my car and replaced it. Of course I am thinking that he went to see OW and didn't want the toll charges to show up on the EZpass bill. I make a couple of icy remarks and he swears that he did not touch the thing. I did not believe one word. It goes on at home-big time LB (mostly angry outbursts from me and disrespect-poor moral values etc). He gets all depressed because he thinks I am still going to leave him. Still swears he did not see OW, no contact, did not touch the tag.

I shout at him all my anger about him having this A, lying to me, planning this get together on d-day (when I had to work at night) with OW a week in advance while he was playing nice husband at home to me.

We get into this subject that I am sorry I married him and not my ex-boyfriend with whom I had been for 10 years and broke up because of my H. Big time LB...

It was a very heated discussion and at some point he just left the room-all depressed and still swearing that he did not touch the tag.

I don't know what to make of this. Until today I thought he was honest, now I don't know. He has been more depressed for a few days, I thought maybe because of our friend dying, or because of his work.

Do you think he is seeing the OW??? Maybe I was just to blind to see the truth? But he seemed so honest. He would spend days and evenings when I had to work with me, called when he got home. He was just at work and at home and at my work. I thought I knew all the time where he was.

I still feel that if he doesn't want to be with me he is free to go. I don't want to have days like this with doubts and depression and no trust.

Thinking about the tag, there is the possibility that I put it back crooked after I removed it four months ago to use it a few times with the new convertible. But how come I never noticed that it was crooked -IN FOUR MONTHS???
Highly unlikely-but possible.

I don't know, I just feel terrible today.
Thank you for listening to my fears...fears that he is still going to leave me for OW, abandon his children and that everything since d-day- everything that we have build - was a lie.

Hi Liza,

Sorry I didn't read this yesterday. Unfortunately you will have moments. Last night I talked to a friend who's H had an A shortly before they got married. She was about 6 months pregnant when she found out about it. There was not lying his way out, he gave her a STD. She didn't know what to do. She went ahead with the M. It took her a long time to totally trust him again. Years. It has been about 10 year or more since this occured. She still has occassional doubts, but for the most part, she trusts him.

She had many occassions where she questioned the little things.

You may have placed it back crooked, he may have knocked it out of place and not realized he did it. You see, now you are sensitive to the little things such as a EZ card being put back crooked.

I don't think this blow up will have too negative of an impact on your M. Just a slight set back. Keep trying to move foward, that will counteract the bad times. Use this place to vent.

You could explain to your H your fears and how sensitive you are to noticing little things that are out of place. It sounds like he is very remorseful and wants to work on recovery. I think he will understand.

Has he read any of the stuff out here? The links? or any of the books suggested?

Dear Sue,

thanks for your post.

Yes-he read HNHN and Love Busters and part of SAA. He also reads some of my posts when I print them for him, but says he doesn't read on line. He takes it all VERY hard, yesterday he was devastated. He will see his therapist Thursday (thank God he's finally back from his vacation).

My H also said this AM that he did not take his Anti-Ds for three days-2 days he forgot and yesterday he drank alcohol and couldn't take them. I think I'll have to remind him to take them every night.

Yes-I tell him honestly that I am afraid of so many things now (post-traumatic stress disorder...). Most of all that he'll continue to see OW. He says he would NEVER do that because now he really loves me and he doesn't have the need and doesn't want to have any contact with her (lets hope and pray that's true...).

I'll bring him lunch today and we'll book the hotel for our trip to our friends and the rental car. Yesterday we booked the flights.

I feel better today, but still scared about his depression. That's what started all of this.

Keep talking with him. As long as you two can communicate, you will find recovery. I truly believe that. That will be the downfall for my H if we do not recover. He likes avoidance and when he does talk, it is always on his terms. So you are very fortunate

Liza -
You are so sweet to keep checking on me. You do not know how much it helps to feel like there is someone out there who understands and cares what happens to me.

I know what you mean about the LB's. I try so hard to Plan A, but those nasty LB's seem to creep in when I least expect them. Right now, I am reading "After the Affair," it is really enlightening. If you have not read it, I would highly reccomend doing so. It has made me realize that many of my reactions are perfectly normal in the context of what has happened in my life. It also gives the perspective of the WS.

For right now, enjoy your time with your kids, and look forward to your trip. It is heartbreaking to have a friend who is terminally ill - you are blessed to have a chance to show her how important her life has been. Lean on your husband and be there to support him - the tough times are the ones that show us what we are made of, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi all,

just an update to let you know what's been going on.

Overall I think my H meant it, when he said that all contact with OW was over on d-day. At first I asked every day if she had shown up, but now I believe that he doesn't want to see her and hasn't seen her or spoken with her all this time. It is almost seven weeks now and every day the trust grows a little more.

We have very good days when we are in love like ten years ago. We use a lot of Dr. Harley's principles and try to meet each other's needs. On those days we deeply care about each other and the future seems to promise a wonderful fulfilling marriage. There are moments of true happiness.

But the strange thing that has been happening is, that after those especially happy days I get moments of horrible resentment. It starts with those thoughts literally "attacking" me out of nowhere. I try to push them away and it works more or less for some hours but then it is like a flood breaking through a levy.

It is like my subconscience wants to protect me from loving my H again. I think about how he had planned that night with OW a week in advance, how he had been flirting with her for months, and what his disgusting intentions were, when he went to her apartment. His irresponsible behavior, his lies, the broken promise of "fidelidad", his total disregard for my love. I have these thoughts and I cannot separate his actions in those days from my feelings for him now.

He reacts with deep sadness to my questions and "angry outbursts" (not the right word -"furious" fits much better)and disrespectful judgements about the A. He feels my struggle with resentment and he is filled with fear that I may still leave him now or in the future because of this A.

I told him yesterday that he made me go through hell with his A. I had to deal with it now for the past 6 weeks 24 hours a day, every damned single day. And I am fed up with it now. I don't want to think about it anymore, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I want to move on and forget. But I can't...

I have asked this once before in this forum: how do you love your spouses if they have done unspeakable things to hurt you? How do you separate actions from feelings that these actions cause in you?

I hate these thoughts of him and OW when they come creeping out of some corner of my mind and I can't keep them locked up there.

Hi Liza,

Sorry you are going through a rough period. It takes time. A very long time. For some, they eventually realize they cannot get past it. Some can get past it, rebuild a stronger relationship than they had in the past. I know to you 6 weeks sounds like forever, especially when you are in turmoil. I think for most, it takes longer than that.

For me, because I'm in limbo, I have had to keep my emotions in check. I have to stay focused on what is important. When my summer class ended, I crashed, and crashed big time. Since April, until July, I've kept things in a holding pattern. I had to start Anti d's to function. Now that class has started again, I'm focused again on my goal. So, all is on hold again. Living this way is very hard on a person, and when in comes crashing in, it crashes. Unfortunately if I want to get through school, I don't have the luxury of feeling my emotions and working through what I should be working through.

As painful as it is, you need to feel and work through the emotions. You see, when you push them back, the come back in an avalanche, as they did with me and I crashed. For 2 weeks I had all I could do to function. I let the kids do what they wanted as long as they stayed in the house so I knew where they were and left me alone. (This is not me at all) The only time I perked up was when it was time to leave for work. (I hate my current job)

There will be ups and downs, Communicating with you H is good. Try not to LB too much, but talk to hime about what you are feeling and the frustrations you are going through.

This is a great place to vent. Even though you H is remorseful about what he did, even he can take only so much and will eventually think that you will never let him forget this, so why bother trying. At this point, you two are in a good place, even though it does not seem so.

Do you lurk on recovery? You might be able to pick up on some stuff over there. I peak once in awhile for inspiration.

Hi, Liza

I just read your post from the beginning. It is amazing the amount of progress you have made in such a short time. Everything you are feeling is normal. My H had an EA -- never physical (they didn't even meet face-to-face because it was over the internet). We have been in recovery since March. Sometimes I still feel anger -- my ENs were not totally met; I also had to live in reality, not fantasy and would have liked an escape -- BUT, I did not have an A.

Just remember that those feelings are normal. They are there, sometimes you can't prevent them from getting the best of you. Right not I am getting to a difficult time -- this is about the time last year it started (even though I did not know it at the time). I am constantly remembering what I was doing on this day or that and what he must have been doing. It is really hard.

What I have been trying to do lately is to express my feelings to my H, without LBing. What I am feeling is valid and normal and I should share it with my H. Sharing them makes me feel better. Also, my H reaffirms his love for me and expresses his remorse for everything (he can't believe how stupid he was and why he did what he did). It does help. All of these ups and downs of emotions are what they call the rollercoaster. It creeps up on you just when you least expect it.

It seems like you have been doing great so far. Some advice I got from someone one said to see if the words match the actions for your H. He says he has had no contact -- do his actions match. (From what you describe, it appears so -- you can account for most of his time.)

Hope some of this helps.

FHO

Dear Liza,

I responded a while ago to another thread of yours and I am sorry that you are going through this pain. The pain regarding your husband's A and the pain of your friend's serious illness. It is alot to bear.

Take a look at LaurieC's thread in Recovery "if you ever read another post". I think it is an inspirational message.

Also, do try to count your blessings. Yes you have every right to be traumatized- and suspicious. It will take time to regain trust. Do your best to follow Harley's principles.

My H did not break off contact on dday. the A had gone on for 4 months. He spent substantial amounts of our money perpetrating the A (hotel bills.) Used the excuse of work on a pet project to deceive me. After Dday he continued contact. I found naked pictures of her from a pre-dday tryst. I intercepted various voicemails, including one of her offering to perform a graphic sex act.My H was going to move out and "explore the OW"- he'd take a chance on whether I'd still be around later. He went out to her city to "break it off" with her, and slept with her 3times (to make sure). then there were a few dribby and drabby phone calls, and it ended. A total of three months of continued contact, three months of hell for me.

I could have ended our M, but our kids would have been devastated. I have been completely traumatized. In the last year things have been slowly improving and our M is alot better.

You are fortunate compared to me. I am fortunate compared to many, many people on this site.

It sounds like your H is truly remorseful. Look at his actions. WS speak fog babble. If he is truly remorseful and apologizing that says alot and tends to say he is maintaining No contact.

<small>[ August 31, 2002, 01:40 AM: Message edited by: espoir ]</small>

Chere "espoir", FHO and Sue,

thank you for your thoughts.

I can imagine that it is much harder for some BSs to rebuild because there are more longer time periods of betrayal in their stories. I have endless admiration and respect for BSs in Plan A with the WS continuing the A.

For me it is so terribly hard because I have looked now at every angle of this whole A that my H had and I cannot find my fault.

I was reading today in "recovery" and in GQ II. There I found this wonderful article:

Everybody here should read it. It is one of the BEST texts on infidelity that I have ever read (ever since - unfortunately- I had to start reading about this subject seven weeks ago...)

www.findarticles.com/cf_dls/m1175/n4_v31/20845729/p1/article.jhtml

It described how sometimes there can be an A where the BS REALLY is not at fault. It calmed my soul so much to read this, because I finally found the other reasons why this A could have happened.

The article gives so much insight into the psychodynamics of BS and WS during/after an A. Finally I felt that somebody described these extreme feelings that I have been experiencing.

In this article they say that the survival of the M can be predicted by how much empathy the WS shows when the BS starts acting "crazy". If that is what counts, my H and I have a good chance to make it, because I sure have been going crazy over his A and he has been comforting me, holding me and tried to calm me with his love.

So, when I get home tomorrow after my night at work here, I will read the article with him and we will talk about it-calm, loving, building our future together. I can't wait to see him again, to spend the weekend with him and our little son. Maybe I'll get a chance to wear my new evening gown (Ralph Lauren - 24$ Lord&Taylor Sale-can you believe it!!!). It looks sensational-but where even in NYC can you go out Saturday night in such a dress (H promised to find a place...let's see).

Lots of strength and <<<Cyberhugs>>>

<small>[ September 10, 2002, 12:26 AM: Message edited by: Iceprincess ]</small>