I just got back from a weekend out of town. I found out that my Husband of 10 months had taken a female friend of ours (she has just broken up with her boyfriend) to a concert on Friday night, he picked her up at her apartment (two other female friends met them there). After the concert he and the one female friend went out to go dancing (just the two of them). He told me she was pretty intoxicated by this point in the evening due to the free beer they had gotten at the concert. They tried a couple of dance places but were not allowed in due to crowds. He knows very well (I thought) that I do not want him going out dancing without me. Then they went out for breakfast together and he took her home. On Saturday night, he picked her up at her apartment and took her to an engagement party of a mutual friend. I had known about this in advance and had no problem with him picking her up and taking her to this party. However, this was before I knew about him taking her to the concert and out afterwards just the night before. After the party on Saturday night, they went to see a late movie with another couple who had been at the party and then he took her home.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that this is inappropriate behavior for a married man whose wife is out of town? I believe that nothing physical happened between them, yet I still think it was a situation he should have avoided. What I am most concerned about is that he doesn't seem to know where to draw the line at what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior for a married man. He is sorry that he upset me, but I don't think he recognizes that he did anything wrong. I feel like he should have considered wWhat do you think?

Dandy:
This would make me feel uncomfortable, too. Have you talked with your husband and expressed your feelings? If so, does he understand and respect how you feel?

I think his behavior was inappropriate but I also think you are giving him mixed signals. On the one hand it is ok for him to escort her to a party that you know about. I think it inappropriate for him to associate with women on a one on one basis alone. Just as it would be for you to do the same whether you know about the activity or not. He is acting as her date on both occasions, I see know real difference. Bottom line would be that you two have to be clear on what is acceptable to the both of you at any point and time. You are his wife...if you are not available to be his escort then he should go alone, in a mixed group, in the company of men or not attend at all. The same should apply for you. Then there would be no question about appropriate behavior or lack thereof. Good Luck!

I was asking my mc about this type of thing yesterday.

My 3 years ago (before A) the OW and her friend rang my H at home one night and asked him to go to a hotel for a drink. H is 20 years older than both of them. He asked me if he could go. I should have said Yes i do mind! I didnt and just told him he had to decide what was the right and wrong thing to do. He went!!!!!

A few months later I had been away for the weekend visiting family, when I returned I asked H what he'd been up to. He said he'd gone to OW house for dinner and got drunk. I asked him how he got home because I hoped he hadnt driven drunk. He said he stayed the night. He said nothing had happened he slept on the couch. This was before their A started.

My H couldnt see that this was inappropriate behaviour for a married man? I just dont get it? It's black and white? I'm sure anyone with half a brain can see it.

Robyn

Before I ever had my affair, my H had been spending lots of time alone with 2 different female colleagues/friends. He rationalized it as being okay because since I won't exercise with him regularly, he started doing so with them. Then it led to them doing other things like going for drinks, shopping, etc.

Now that we are separated, my H spends almost all of his free time with both these females, going to movies, shopping, out for dinner, you name it. I have even been told that if I want to try to make this marriage work, that I must treat both these women as my friends or my H won't be willing to try working on the marriage.

(Actually, one of these 2 women is really a good friend of mine too, and now just spends time with one or the other of us, and says she feels like a child caught in a custody battle. I actually feel bad for her.)

But, my point is that you should speak up right away and clearly communicate that you are uncomfortable with your H spending time with another female, rather than allowing it in bits and pieces, and letting it lead to large amounts of time together like I did. After a great amount of time I became good friends with the first woman, and therefore I trust her, but right now I'd consider the 2nd one an enemy. (She let my H live with her during our separation for 2 weeks!)

From the perspective of a WW, I also regret that my H let me spend time alone with his best friend on many occasions; it's this time together that brought us closer and led up to our affair.

Hope this helps, even though I ranted a bit first.

Jen

Just my opinion, but having a friend of the oposit sex is ASKING for trouble!!! There is NO reason for it!!! If a spouse won't give up the "friend" for the sake of a M, then the "friend" is more than just that!!! The SPOUSE comes first, end of story... friends come and go... M is (saposed to be) FOREVER!!!

-mcnyh