This is my first time here. On August 8, 2002 I will be married 10 years. I am 30. During the first five years of our marriage my husband had several affairs...one resulting in pregnancy. I stayed in the marriage for reasons I cannot understand now. At the time he treated me horrificly, so much so it is extremely painful to even contemplate his actions and my reactions or lack thereof. About 5-6 years into our marriage he decided for whatever reason to change his life and since that time he truly has. He is the exemplary father and husband now. Last year there was a significant illness and death in my family. These emotional events triggered alot of self-awareness on my part. Now I am at a loss if I can continue in the marriage. I realize now that I never dealt with any of the problems I just survived until the next day. My husband suggests I do whatever it takes to heal myself. He wants to maintain our marriage but he is understanding now about the destruction he caused. I would appreciate perspective and feedback. Thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ayslyne@yahoo.com

I'm going to venture in here.

I'm glad you've found this site and feel safe in asking your questions.

Rather than load you with a bunch of warm fuzzies, I'm going to say the first thing that crosses my mind.

You talk of needing to heal yourself. I would recommend that you consider seeing a therapist if you think it appropriate. Many deal with specific aspects of therapy and many are 'generalists'. The first one you try is not always the one for you. Additionally, there are lots of good books out there that can lead you toward wholeness.

But all the therapy in the world won't do you any good if you aren't willing to look at yourself in the mirror and really see yourself. And really accept and work on those aspects of the relationship that are under your control.

Dear "ayslyne",

it seems to me that you are entering a new stage in your life. We women go through adolescence believing that we need to be loved by a man to be worthy. Then one day in your thirties you look at your accomplishments and feel that "this is really me and I am worthy to live for myself". You now question your marriage and you feel bad for the things that happened in the past. Let me ask you if you believe with all your heart that your husband will not betray you again? do you think that someone can change so completely? You say he is an exemplary husband now. I hope so for you with all my heart and I think that you should try to address the past with him and/or a therapist. I just found out that my husband had an affair and I don't know how to forgive him or how I could make it go away five years from now. The pain is so intense and as Dr. Harley says it is the worst experience in any marriage. You have been through it, now it seems better. If he really changed work with him. May God bless you.