Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 35
V
Velutha Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 35
Words fail my overwhelming sorrow today. What I had sown many years as a non-believer, I now reap as a Christian. After ending my own adultery four years ago and suffering through a long period of deep depression, I started attending a little church with my wife. She had found this church during my adultery years and tried so many times to get me to go. My first day there over a year ago was when one of my daughters was to be baptized. It had a profound effect on my life. I didn't know the Lord had a plan and purpose for me. The Bible school teacher sat down next to me after the baptism and actually began talking to me, ME the most wretched of all sinners. Who was this guy? Soon we became good friends and I found myself being drawn by the Lord through my Bible studies for his class. My new friend helped lead me to the Lord. Then, "Yea, mine own familiar friend in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me" (Psalm 41:9). A few months after I accepted Christ, he and my wife committed adultery. My wife confessed to me less than three months ago.

Although adultery can never be justified, it is easy for me to understand my wife's falling into this sin. She was always (since a child) committed to the Lord and to our marriage, so she submitted herself to over 30 years of my godless abuse. Then she died with my adultery, but lived again to find romantic love with someone who understood her pain. They were both "vulnerable," I am told. His marriage was also in trouble. "We're trying to work it out," he told me. I related this to my wife not knowing I was opening doors. I had withdrawn emotionally during my depression often going months without making love to her, or offering any emotional support. I was dead to her and, therefore, our marriage was dead to her, finished. She was free in her heart to love another. Do you know about the condition of our hearts?

But suddenly, I was given a new Heart and a new Spirit. I began to realized all my failures, all the suffering I had caused her and my family over the many years. My sin was ever before me, crashing down my foundations. When I came to accept Christ, my wife had already withdrawn her love from me. I didn't know it. She seemed strangely distant, quiet, nervous, yes, but I found myself fallling even more in love with her than I knew possible. My life completely changed. But why can't I reach her? Why can't I tell her that I have also come to know the Lord? She sees the changes in me. We are both silent.

When she finally disclosed her true feelings to me and her "relationship" with her lover, I couldn't get angry. I knew they were wrong, that their love for each other was a sin, but I understood. I understood because of my own adultery the joy and love she felt for him, the no-demands "freedom" he offered her to be herself. I was not angry at first, only sad and hurt. Of course I wanted to save our marriage. I loved her, I loved my family, and I loved the Lord. I told them they could continue phone contact. I knew how difficult it was to quit and, besides, I had lost all moral authority to say "stop."

We went to our pastor. He had already heard rumors of their relationship earlier and had already gone to the man to ask him to stop all contacts. He quickly told us also that all contacts must stop. But, you know, the lies started, the deceit, the coverups. Emails, phone calls, calls just to listen to his voice mail message. One excuse and another. Our pastor, a church elder, and I all met with the adulterer to confront him according to Matthew 18. He only admitted as much as I knew of them at the time. There was no regret, no repentance. In the weeks to come, I would soon learn much more from my wife about the extent of their adultery. More devastation, more hurt, more anger. If she can not talk to him she will leave.

Now, sadly, the Bible school teacher has abandoned our church. My wife received a phone call from his wife and my wife knows for the first time the hurt she has caused (he denied his wife was hurt, of course). Despite the excruciating pain it will cause her to turn away, my wife has agreed not to contact him "for as long as she can" in order to "give his marriage every chance." His marriage. She says she will stay in our marriage but she can not even think about opening her heart to me again. Our marriage. Death sounds preferable to her. I rememeber the apathy. "Just leave me alone!" This "new creature" drives her crazy with my new attention and affection for her. She says I am trying to manipulate her, the pastor is manipulating her, I have turned our children against her, we are all trying to control her, pray her into a box where she has no choice but obedience. "No one understands her pain and despair, except her lover," she says.

But I do.

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 34
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 34
Velutha,

Wow!! I also brought about circumstances in my marriage that devalued my wife. I never committed physical adultery, but certainly I was guilty. Three things come to mind as I read your post.

1. Control the Anger - my wife and I are separated today because of my inablility to forgive completely. The words that your wife speaks is part of the fog. Given time, she will look back at your relationship to see if there is value. Don't mess it up!!! This can be your chance to let God do a powerful work in your lives. He will, but you have to trust. (hardest thing in this world to do)

2. Back Off - too much attention and thus the feelings of manipulation and smothering. You will have the opportunity to show love and affection, but right now she will not accept what you offer. I believe the opportunity will come again. Wait and pray for wisdom and guidance.

3. "Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord" - Exodus 14:13. Sometimes we are in a place of no escape. WE have the choice. Trust God or fix it ourselves. I am guilty of the latter. The Children of Israel had there backs against the wall, but God delivered them through the Red Sea.

I am on a spiritual quest. More than ever, I need to know that God exists and that HE will work in ways that I cannot even fathom. Hope is almost lost. Yet, God is the difference. I have prayed for you even as I type this reply. I understand how you feel.

Guardian
"Be anxious for nothing, but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ" Phillipians 4:6-7


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 264 guests, and 74 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
MillerStock, Mrs Duarte, Prime Rishta, jesse254, Kepler
71,946 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Happening again
by happyheart - 03/08/25 03:01 AM
My spouse is becoming religious
by BrainHurts - 02/20/25 11:51 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,622
Posts2,323,490
Members71,947
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5