This is my first time writing. I have been reading everything on this website for about 3 days, and finally think I am ready to share my story.

I have been married for 4 years, and have been with my H for 10 years. We just had our first child 4 months ago. I found out my H was having an affair by accident. About two months ago I found two love letters that the OW wrote him. It was pretty clear in the letters that she has strong feelings for him. This caught me totally off guard! I thought we were doing good, we just had a baby and I thought were happy about everything going on in our life.

I also went through our shredder and found a hotel receipt that he tried getting rid of. That same night I confronted him and showed him all I had found. He at first tried to deny anything ever happened, but then he started telling me that the OW was someone he met at work (regular customer). That they were just friends, except for one time when they supposedly just "made out" with each other. As for the hotel receipt, he claims she had a hotel party with a bunch of friends, and she asked him to get rid of the evidence because she lives with someone and didn't want him knowing about it. Does he think I am so nieve to believe this?

Well, then he said he had already ended all contact with OW about 5 days earlier. I believed this to be true, only because my H is the most honest person I have ever known, he is a good man with strong values. Plus, I wanted him to be telling me the truth so badly.

The next day while he was at work I started snooping (something I had never done before). I found a receipt with date and time stamp from the day before. He had purchased flowers, and they were not for me. I asked him when he got home what he had done for lunch the day before and he said he stayed in for lunch. I then pulled out the receipt and asked him to explain it. He then proceeded to confess and explain that he met her for lunch because he wanted to see her one last time to thank her for always listening and to say good-bye.

Since he has lied before and continues to lie, I can't believe anything he tells me anymore. There have been other instances when he's told me something and it's a lie. For example, he said he was working until 9:00 p.m. one night, and I just felt that he wasn't telling me the truth, so I called him at work. His manager told me he had left at 8:00. So I jumped in the car and drove to his job to make sure he wasn't there, and he wasn't. I then drove to his parents house, just in case he told me he was there, and he wasn't. He got home at 9:30. When I asked where he had been, he said at work. When I told him he was lying because I verified that already, he tried to tell me he went to his parents home. I told him once again he was lying and to just come out and tell me the truth. He then said that he was with an ex-coworker (female friend) just talking about what's been going on with him and us lately. I find that hard to believe.

I just have a hunch that he still has contact with the OW, and doesn't want to tell me the truth. He normally has an hour lunch and hasn't been coming home for lunch lately. When I asked him what he does, he says he just stays in for lunch. So, twice this week I went to his job to see if he went anywhere for lunch. Both times he drove off somewhere ( I could not follow him because he would recognize by car). Later when I asked him what he did for lunch, he says he went out to eat at a fast food restaurant. One thing- he never eats alone in restaurants, he just has never liked to. Second- I have this gut feeling that he is lying to me. A few days later, I found out that he had spotted my car both times, and he asked me if I was spying on him. I could not lie, so I confessed that yes I was. He says he cannot live like this, that I am driving him nuts with my constant snooping and spying. But I can't help myself. It's as if I am trying to prove to myself whether I can believe what he tells me or not.

I told a girlfriend of mine what's been going on and she offered to drive me in her car the next time he is at work. I am so unsure of what to do. Should I follow him? And if I do follow him, and he is meeting the OW, what do I do then? Any advice will help.

<small>[ August 04, 2002, 09:15 PM: Message edited by: Feeling Lost ]</small>

Feeling lost -- Hello and I am sorry you are experiencing this. Reading your posts brought me back to the pain and snooping I was engrossed in six months ago. First, read everything here that you can. Second, get a few books. Surviving an Affair by Harley, After the Affair by Janis Abram-Spring, Private Lies by Pittman.

As for the snooping. I had to do it at first just to verify that I was not crazy and confront my husband. Like your husband, he denied everything even when faced with receipts, missing in action at work, etc. It's like a disease and they just can't help themselves from lying. It was so inconsistent from everything I had known about my husband for 14 years that it was hard to swallow.

I had to stop snooping because it hurt me too much. People on this forum have differing opinions about snooping. Do it if you can do it without constantly confronting him. Confronting wayward spouse's when they are in the midst of A is considered a huge lovebuster by most of them and they will just further withdraw and say really hurtful things to you (I know from experience).

I would stop snooping for right now while you read and get a better feel for what is going on --but also have a back-up plan to collect information down the road to test whether the A is still going on.

I really feel for you. If you can afford it, I would highly recommend counseling with one of the Harley's. I did three sessions early on and it really calmed me down and helped me to see what I wanted to do and what I was capable of doing.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

You sound like me, 4 months ago. The similarities make my skin crawl. I was way too trusting of my 'honest' husband. He continued in his affair for 2 1/2 months after I first suspected, and because I wanted to believe the best about the man that I loved with all my heart, I tried to accept his stories. The lies got bigger and bigger. I didn't have the real proof that you do. I can't believe your H denies it, with the proof that you have.
Trust your gut. My gut has never been wrong. It was right about my H's affair. Every time I suspected he was lying, I was right. But because I let him fool my for so long, things got more involved, and a whole lot worse, than if I would have stood my ground a lot earlier.
My H was really upset with me for snooping, too. But that's because I was threatening his fantasy world, and he, in his selfishness, didn't want to give it up.
Your H sounds as guilty as mine. You need to get right into marriage counseling, NOW. Don't waste any time. If, by some miracle, he is telling the trust, and it is nothing more, MC won't hurt you any, and it will help restore the trust that's already been broken by his dishonesty to this point. If he will, have him read my original post, "don't know how to move ahead" in the 'just found out section' if he wants to understand the pain and devistation that go along with the continued lies and deceit.
Stand your ground. I don't think you're wrong. Don't make the same mistake I did.
And pray, pray, pray.

FL:

People get angry at being spied on because they have something to hide. I sure learned that the hard way myself, and more than once. It will be safe for you to assume that, if you ever sound like you're "prying" into your H's personal life (which he should be sharing with you anyway), he's afraid you'll find some truth he doesn't want you to know.

That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He's in a fog right now. Like the above posters recommend, you should read all you can from this site and try to get counseling for yourself, first, and for both you and your husband, if you can get him to go. Learn all you can about "plan A" - that's where you need to be right now. Snoop if you feel you need to, but don't reveal your sources if you don't have to. Once the affair is exposed, he will have a harder time keeping it going.

Good luck to you, you will survive this!

FL;
So very sorry you are going through this terrible pain. I know it, I have been there.

I know that right now you are feeling lost, bewildered and confused, it is normal. One of the first things that helped me (11 months ago) was to start reading about infidelity and how to survive it because I learned that what I was feeling was the very same everyone else felt, and that helped me a lot...I no longer felt that I was so weird and out of control.

Read everything on this site, and the books Unsureheart suggested; I agree they are among the best.

About snooping. There really are only 2 reasons to snoop; the first is that some WSs will end their As when they are discovered. Since you have snooped and confronted several times and this has not happened, you should stop. I know it's hard, it's nearly impossible to stop the urge to "know", but think about it; you DO know already, does it really make a difference if he sees her once or 3 times? or if he calls her once a week or every day? Not really. It's the same thing; he's being unfaithful and that is all that matters. In my case I went through an endless string of snoop/confront until it became unbearable for both of us, and my W was convinced she must end the M. And even worse, she became VERY GOOD at hiding it! So when I needed to confirm the continuation of the affair later, it was VERY difficult.

So try to stop the snooping, start reading and start working on yourself. I know this sounds strange since it is your H who is "broken", but that is only part of the story. There are things about you and your relationship that need to be worked on, the very same things that helped lead your H astray. Now don't get me wrong, YOU DID NOT cause the affair to happen; he did that. But you probably did contribute to creating the environment where the affair COULD happen, and it is this environment that you need to discover and start changing.

As you do this, your H will begin to see some changes, and will wonder about them. He will begin to rethink what he's believed up until now, and in time, the A will end, and your M can then be restored.

As you go through this process, it may become necessary to snoop again, just to confirm or deny the continued existence of the A, but by then, you will be stronger and you will have been able to set down some boundaries, and your H will see that he stands to lose you. And when he does, you will be able to rebuild your M.

Be patient, be strong, learn, and keep posting. You will find a lot of support here.

Thanks everyone for all of your advice. We have been seeing a MC for the past month. We just had our third session a few days ago. It's been really hard, but we have been learning a lot about each other and our relationship.

The counselor also recommended that I stop all the snooping. She said that I need to make a choice, either move on with the marriage as before (meaning that I stop snooping, spying, and questioning him all the time) or that we think about separation because I am just making him resent me by doing all of the above and that I am just pushing him away.

So, I have decided to stop all the craziness. (That is what all the snooping and other stuff has been for me.) I am taking all of your advice, and I am going to just start working on me and the things that made the A possible.

One thing that has been really difficult though is making love. Prior to having our baby, and even getting pregnant, my sex drive was pretty much nonexistant. I had been on the pill and the hormones just really screwed me up. I had no desire to do anything- even kissing my H sometimes grossed me out. After the baby, I decided that we would use other means of birth control because I was tired of feeling the way I was, mind you this was before I even knew about the A. It was very strange- my sex drive went from nonexistant to out of control. The only thing is that there are times that I think of the OW, and what he did with her, while we are making love. It hurts so much to know that he was that intimate with someone else. How do I get these thoughts out of my head?

My H has told me that one of the reasons for the A was because of all of the rejection he had to endure for so long. He felt as though I no longer was in love with him. And I am so sad that I made him feel this way, I have apologized several times for it and have made a conscious effort to change in this area. If I would have known how serious it was, I would have taken steps sooner, but I didn't.

I know that he is in "the fog" still. I am going to continue doing everything in my power to get him out of it. I do not want to give up on us. I love him with all of my heart and soul, and I know that he loves me, too, or else he would not be trying.

I just needed to vent a little bit...

We went to my H family reunion today. It went pretty good. Well, I decided to come home because it was already 6:30 p.m. and we'd been there all day and my baby was getting fussy. My H decided to stay and hang out a little while, and he said he'd get a ride from his brother. So I used his keys to come home in our family car.

I am sooooo irritated because he has another car that he uses to get to and from work. I have a strong feeling that he hides evidence of his A in his car. A few weeks ago I noticed his car key was missing from my key chain. Like a dummy I approached him on this-- I should have just kept my mouth shut, because now he makes it a point to hide his keys if he's going to take a shower or do something. Well, when I used his keys today, I noticed he even took his car key off the chain!!
Just in case I wanted to come home and do some snooping of his car-- is what he was probably thinking. If this isn't obvious guilt I don't know what is! Gosh he makes me sick!!!!!!!I even contemplated calling AAA to have them come out and just say I locked my keys in my car just so they could open it, but I decided not to. Whatever he's trying to hide, I don't think I want to know about-- it would just make it too difficult to continue on with Plan A. So I thought the best thing to do would be just to vent here, thanks for being patient with me.

<small>[ August 04, 2002, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: Feeling Lost ]</small>

The past few days have been really tough. My H just moved out today- he's moving in with his parents.

I just could not keep pretending as if everything was great. As much as I tried to keep reminding myself that he is in "the fog", and to just hold back. I couldn't do it. We had a major big fight today. I basically told him that I am not going to compete with anyone else, and if he thinks that OW will make him happy, then good for them, I know it won't last long. I'm the one who brought up that I think maybe we need some time apart. And he finally agreed that yes, it might do us some good.

I told him to give OW a message from me- that what goes around comes around, and she'll get hers one day. I probably went overboard when I began using foul language, especially when referring to OW. But as much as I tried to hold back, I couldn't. I am just so angry that we have come to this. We were so happy and in love before, what happened???

My H denied everything. He says that he hasn't had any contact with her at all, which is a lie. All I can hope is that by having us separate, he will open his eyes and realize how much I love him and want to be with him. And maybe the reality of how life would be without his family will hit him hard, and he will want to come back. I can't be with him when he is still in contact with OW. It's as if we are just pretending that we are doing good, but down deep we know that we aren't.

Well, he left the house about 1 hour ago, and then he came back about 10 minutes later to tell me that he wants me to know that just because we are separating, it does not mean he is giving up on us. He just needs time to think about things. (I say he needs time to be with OW without having any worries about me snooping, spying on him, or finding out).

Gosh, life sucks sometimes! I just pray to God that we will be alright.

I'll be praying for you.
I just told my H the other day, that I wish I had the guts to do what you did. I should have kicked him out in MArch, when I read the text message on his cell phone from her..."Wait and see what I'll do to you tonight!...You'd better get your sleep". He told me that the message was intended for someone else, a guy he was trying to convince me was her new boyfriend. He looked me in the eye and lied to me. (they were having sex then, for about 1 1/2 months)
I wanted to believe him, I wanted to trust my 'best friend'. I never wanted to believe he would hurt me this way. My mind knew he was lying, but my heart wouldn't accept it.
If I had kicked him out, The whole thing would have ended sooner. I have no doubt about that.
No two situation is the same, so what would have worked for me, might not go the same for you. But I hope you H comes around sooner than my H did. The lies and deception that took place after 'that day' with the cell phone were more damaging than the A that existed before that point.
Keep your head, trust your gut, and pray constantly. Ask God to show you the truth, and to deal with you H accordingly.
He will.

Well, a lot has happened since I last logged in...
My H stayed at his parents house for a week, but what was really hurting me was that for that week he was still coming over to see me and the baby almost daily, and he would call me about 2 or 3 times a day to see how things were going. He tried to talk to me as if all was normal, but I could not. He tried to hug me or kiss me before he was leaving, and I'd reject him every time. I could not let him knowing that he was probably leaving me to go be with OW.

Every time he'd leave, it was as if he were breaking my heart all over again. I was so lonely and scared to know what the future had in store for us.

On the 6th day that he was gone, it was his birthday. He asked me if he could spend the day with the baby and me. I agreed, only because it was his birthday. We went to Mass together, then out to eat, and then to the beach for a few hours. His family was going to Bar-B-Q for him and his twin sister that evening, and he asked if I would go, but I told him no. I'd feel stupid showing up and knowing that his whole family knows what's going on (kind of knows).

Well, that day I finally put my foot down and told him that I did not want him coming over anymore or calling me every day. I told him he was breaking my heart by doing this. I was so upset that I even told him that I never in a million years thought that another woman would break us apart. He said that it wasn't true, nobody was breaking us apart. I asked him to do me the favor of not coming home before he was really ready to, not even if I was begging him to come home, and he wanted to just make me feel better. I told him that as long as he still had any contact w/ OW that I did not want him coming back, I wasn't going to compete with anyone for his love. I said that I would wait for him as long as I could, but that I hoped when he does come back to me, that it's not too late. I reminded him that I love him and I miss him more than anything, but I could not do it anymore. I told him that we would make other arrangements for him to see the baby, like maybe I could take her to his Mom's house and then pick her up myself without seeing him.

The day after I told him all of this, he called me before he had to go to work to say that he was sorry for everything, for hurting me and putting me through all of this. All I said back was, "O.K." He said he missed me and that he loved me, and I said, "O.K." I was a little cold, but I could not help it.

That night he came over again. He said that he wanted to come home but things had to change if he did. Basically he wanted me to stop all the snooping and spying. He said he could not live like that. He wanted to know in his heart that I really did forgive him for ALL he's done and that I can get past it. I replied that as long as he held up his end of the bargain- stop the lying and all contact w/ OW, that I would not have any problem doing what he was asking of me. I told him how serious I was, and not to come back home if he was going to continue any contact at all. He promised that he would do what I asked. He also said that being away that week made him realize that he doesn't want to live his life without me and that he loves me more than he knew.

Now he is back home- things are going great! So much has changed since he has been back. He comes home for lunch on his own- I don't even ask him to! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Also, he stopped all the weirdness--for example, before, he would get up in the morning to go jogging, but would fix his hair, and sometimes shower??? Who does all that before going jogging? He never used to, so that's what made it so obvious that he was going to see OW. Now, he's back to normal- he gets up and puts on a baseball cap and isn't pre-occupied with how he looks- for goodness sake, he's going jogging! And now I KNOW he is going jogging (alone).

I am just so thankful that he's back, and all I can do is keep praying that OW stays out of the picture. We have been getting along so much better, even better than before the A! Communication is great, sex life is great, everything is going great. Thank God! I know that all my prayers and those of my family and friends really helped.