My husband is from the U.S and I am from Wales, U.k. I went home in Feb and we were not married then. I didn't see him again till June, but was in constant contact over the phone. When i got back, 2 days into my visit, he said that we should get married this time during my visit. I was over the moon. However, he started crying, he told me that while i was away he had gotten a little drunk and a girl who he worked with came onto him and ended up sleeping together. He said he wasn't attracted to her and that he didn't want a relationship with her, he wanted one with me and that this was just some random girl. Anyway, we got married about a month later, he asked if I would be ok with things and if he talked to her now and again at work would I be ok with things. At the time i believed yes, I would be ok. I was told I could not say anything mean to her and couldn't be confrontational at all. Lately I've been hearing things from his workplace that they hang around with each other a lot there. She phones here and he arranges to go out to a movie with her, all of which makes me uncomfortable. I get upset and tell my husband this, I tell him I don't like her and don't want him to be around her, he tells me that i said I would be ok with things and that I should let him have his friendship with her. He says that I am suffocating his friendship with her. When she calls for him he's all quiet and when i go out of the room there's giggling and so on. I feel paranoid and realise that I shouldn't have gotten married with these feelings. I want to confront her about things but my husband say's that if I do, I pretty much will get the worst end of it, not physically, but he goes into moods that just make me feel like crap. It seems like he has fun with her and laughs with her but i'm just the nagging wife, and to top it off, he wants to have a 3some with another woman. This something i'm not comfortable doing after what he has done.

<small>[ August 03, 2002, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: Rachel20 ]</small>

Dear Rachel,
there is no question here that your husband has to stop seeing the OW. This is obvious that there is still something going on between them. Maybe it is just emotional attachment now, but I would not wait until it gets physical again. Did you read the book of Dr. Harley? You ask him to stop seing the OW. If he agrees to that you are nice to him to "deposit love units in his love bank" (Plan A). If he continues seing her (be ready for some lies there...) you move out until he stops seing her (Plan B). It is much harder when you are from another country where you have your family and friends (I know that first hand). Good Luck Don't let him continue this insensitive behaviour and make sure you don't get pregnant now.

I've asked him so many times to not see her, he just turns round and says "You said you would be ok with our friendship", which I thought I would be, but I can't help it!! I have thought about moving home for a little while, but I just think that would give him even more reason to see her. He've even encouraged me to go home for a week or so!! I think i'm stupid for putting up with it but he really isn't the man I fell in love with, I guess i'm just waiting for my "old" guy back.

Wow - he is really being manipulative with you. It is completely inappropriate for him to be carrying on like this with another woman - even if he hadn't slept with this person. When he says what he says to you, just tell him that you never agreed to him continuing an intimate relationship with this woman (emotional or physical). And it isn't a "frendship" he has with her - he has a sexual relationship. Two VERY different things. The only thing you agreed to do was be polite to her.

He should have completely severed all contact with her out of respect for you and your marriage. He should have changed jobs or something. He is not behaving as a married man should. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. You should defintely demand that he end this. Have you asked him how he would feel if you were behaving this way with some guy you had sex with?
Maybe there is no "old guy" - maybe this is really him.

I say he needs to make a choice pronto -her,or his marriage.

Be strong and trust yourself. Remember to take care of yourself through this ordeal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Rachel20:
<strong>I've asked him so many times to not see her, he just turns round and says "You said you would be ok with our friendship", which I thought I would be, but I can't help it!! I have thought about moving home for a little while, but I just think that would give him even more reason to see her. He've even encouraged me to go home for a week or so!! I think i'm stupid for putting up with it but he really isn't the man I fell in love with, I guess i'm just waiting for my "old" guy back.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

He really is being manipulating and I know that I should do something about it. I have tried so many times to say to him, ok it's her or me, and he justs shrugs and turns it around so i'm asking him to be nice to me!! I hate the person i've become, he said it isn't really infidelity because we were only engaged at the time and "I didn't marry her I married you". I've asked him if he would stay with me if it were the other way around, he said he wouldn't want to be with me!! I hate her and him. Most of the time I just hate her. I was reading an article on emotional infidelity and he talks to her about his work more than he does to me, he says she understands the job better, even though she's only a public safety assistant (he's an officer). He said it's easier to talk to her about that stuff, I usually hear about things after he's talked to her on the phone and I overhear, thats the only time I find out things about work!

<small>[ August 04, 2002, 01:08 AM: Message edited by: Rachel20 ]</small>

Rachel-what he is doing is absolutly wrong!!! He is being selfish, disrespectful, and dishonest with you. You should be the one he talks to. Not her. It is simply wrong. And if he continues, you should guess where this is all headed. It's just a matter of time. You should be #1 in his life. If he doesn't care that this "friendship" is making you uncomfortable and insecure, he is not worth it!! Either he ends it with her or you go and find someone who is worthy of your love and caring. Good Luck

Hi,
There is a world of difference between talking to her from time to time at work vs. going to movies and her calling him at your home. You did not agree to that. You agreed to talking once in awhile at WORK.

Also, it is not okay for him to be unfaithful during the engagement. He made a commitment to you. He should have honored it. Being unfaithful while engaged is just as bad as being unfaithful while married. When he proposed, he made a promise to you, even if it wasn't spoken, it was implied by becoming engaged.

The comment, "I married her, not you" is about as stupid and manipulative comment he could make. It reminds me of what my H's friend told his W, when she told him he was being disrespectful, he honestly believed that because he married her, he was being respectful, (he also cheated on her, they are divorced now).

By allowing him to disrespect you, you are not protecting yourself, your self esteem, your self respect. You do not have to put up with this. When my H, used to try to manipulate things also, I would always throw it right back at him and tell him that his manipulating the conversation is not going to work and the conversation is over until he decides to show me some respect and value what I have to say. (in some ways it might it could be a LB, but in others it is preserving your self respect. You decide for yourself which it is)

Rachel20,
If you have not read His Needs Her Needs, I recomend you read it ASAP. Go to the top of this page and click on "Bookstore" and you can find it there if not at your local bookstore. This will help you understand what is happening and how you can stop it. You are in a tough spot and it is going to get worse if you cant get him to understand that what he is doing is killing your marriage.
God bless,
SH

Rachel - sorry you have to be here. But maybe you can clear something up for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said he wasn't attracted to her and that he didn't want a relationship with her, he wanted one with me and that this was just some random girl. Anyway, we got married about a month later, he asked if I would be ok with things and if he talked to her now and again at work would I be ok with things. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How is this a "random girl" if he works with her, sees her, talks to her every day?? It's pretty obvious they're having an affair of some type. And he wants you to engage in a threesome? And you've been married less than two months? This may sound harsh, but if he disrespects you that much so early on, I would consider telling him you'll have the marriage annulled if he doesn't knock it off. Now!!

This is a pretty crummy way to start a married life. Your husband needs to grow up, and fast. If he can't make the right choice, you'll have to make one that's right for you.

I'll pray that he comes to his senses soon and decides to honor the recently-taken vows that he seems to have forgotten in less than sixty days.

By the way, when he prefers to talk about work with a woman other than his wife, it's bad news. I've been through that one already with my wife and OM.

Thankyou for replying to what I wrote. It's nice to hear from people who have/are experiencing similar things. I think i'm married to 2 men! In all honesty, so far this marriage sucks big time! We have little or no love making, internet porn is apparently so far the replacement, as far as Emily (OW) goes, he's taking her out to a shooting range as she apparently wants to be an officer, I have wanted to join the policeforce in my own country and then here, it's something i've wanted to do since I was 12. I have been told I will never make a police officer (by husband) and have been waiting to go to the range for a year and a half now! I performed and said he's putting her first, so, he's taking me up this weekend. I'm like why don't you invite emily (yeah right!!) Don't think he'd trust me with a gun and her being around! I am not the person that I was, I am being submissive, and this is not who I am, I really want to make this marriage work. I have emailed various different articles from this site to him and it's like through one ear and out the other. She has signed up to extra shifts, conveniently when he works so, thats going to put me on pins for a while.

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: Rachel20 ]</small>

Raaazzzzbeerryy, since you're Welsh, you probably don't know what that means but it's an expression of disgust and disbelief. Your husband has some nerve. Why does he want to remain friends with a woman when his infidelity with her hurt you to such a degree? You need to do the hard thing and refuse to put up with his crap any longer. Tell him to get rid of her! And if he doesn't get a counselor and give it some time but start developing a dissolution plan,ie get your own money together, etc. He needs a major wake up call or you're leaving! I really feel for you, esp. if you love him and you sound young. Still, you must be strong and brave if you moved here from another country to be with him so I imagine you have some steely strength in there somewhere. Find it in yourself and start making some demands.

Peace!

Hello Rachel,

You can get a great deal of help on this site, but we are sorry for the reason you had to come here.

You are in a little different spot than many that come here. Your H was already in an affair when you got married and has continued it. You have been married a very short time. Many have had their spouses " fall from grace," that is, turn away from the special love they once had to begin an affair. He has never given you that affection, his was split even before you married him.

You need to think long and hard about staying with him. While you have given yourself entirely to him, he has never been wholly yours. What a terrible spot you are in. Most marriages have something to go back to, it seems that you do not.

If you want to try and save it, we will be behind you and try to help. Here is a link that can help you understand him a little better right now.
Wat's Guide

Assuming you try to save things, you have much work to do. One thing you need to understand right away. Logic will not work with him. None of the things he is doing will make any sense to a normal person right now. ( see What's guide) He is the one with the problem but you will have to do most of the work. ( I think this is JL's quote, to give credit where it is due)

So, I suggest you think for a time about where you want to go from here. As I said, if you want to save it, we will help as much as we can, but this will be the hardest thing you have ever done, you need to know that up front.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you will get through it without loosing hope in all good things. There is much good in the world even with all the bad, I hope you find some of this good too.

I recommend you get counseling for yourself, even if he won't get it (together with you. ) You will benefit from having someone to talk to. Please read as much on this site as you can, you have gotten good advice about reading from others too. It will help you understand the best way to go about repairing the damage that is done. I recommend reading " Surviving an Affair" by Harley. Many libraries have it, local book stores carry it, or you can order it on-line from this site. It may help you a great deal to cope also.

God bless you in whatever you do, we care about you.

Hi GWR,

This question is unrelated to your R issue. Why does your H say you cannot be a police officer? I know of a housewife of 12 years that became a police officer. Why would he want to hold you back from something you want to do.

Hiya Sue, he says I can't or should say couldn't be a police officer because I don't have the right personality to deal with the "Nasty people" out there. He says that I'm too soft and wouldn't be able to take the pressure, compared to HER who calls my H "Wittle buddy" tell's him "I wuv you" and calls him her "BFF- Best friend forever". I think I would have more maturity in my foot than this stupid cow would have in her entire self. Am sorry, am getting *****y now. So yeah, those resons above is why my H doesn't think I could make it!!

What personality does it take to deal with the "nasty people"? But then again, I have a slightly jaded attitude towards police officers. (I got this from dating a couple of them.)
Don't get me wrong, I still have respect in general for the police. I have learned that some cops think that because they wear a badge, "they are above the law".

If a housewife of 12 years can do it, why not you? It sounds to me like he is not very encouraging of your hopes and dreams.

Do you think you could stand up to the "nasty" people. After all, it would be your job

Yep, I think I would be pretty good at it. I think he's discouraging me because he hasn't the right personality for the job, in my opinion, he is too stressed, and he doesn't like people in general. I think that someone has to have a certain amount of people skills to do the job, this, I believe that I have. I think underneath it all, he's afraid of me working in such, how do I put it, a high powered and independent job. He would rather me work in some store and work on the till than see me as a cop, don't get me wrong though, I am not against people who work in stores or anything like that. I think that just because my H doesn't like it then no one will kind of thing.

As far as your M, goes, my suggestion is, don't fall into the being submissive trap, especially when it is not who you are. You can be assertive without LB'ing. My own personal experience is that when I was submissive in a R, it slowly destroyed who I am. It took me a long time to find me again.

Still seeking has some very good words of advice. I've read alot from Stillseeking in other posts, and they have been full of wisdom. I do agree that you should seek counseling for yourself.

With regards to your desire to be a police officer, well, you and only you can decide how important that is to you.