I just found out my H was having an EA that turned into a PA for one time with a co-worker that lives hundreds of miles away...we're in Quebec and she's in Manitoba.

The whole story in a nutshell...I was married to an abusive alcoholic for 15 years which caused me to become agoraphobic, diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). When I finally got the courage to leave my ex I was well on my way in recovery for both agoraphobia and co-dependency. I knew that I was vulnerable to marrying someone of the same type, so I took time for myself, to work on me. I had been in and out of therapy for over ten years for the agoraphobia and depression. I was suicidal during my marriage that lasted 15 years. I've been taking Paxil for the agoraphobia for 7 years now, and it's work wonders. I still have lingering fears that I need to work on, but have become complacent with.

I met my now husband online. He lived in Quebec, myself in Ohio. We fell in love online and then decided to meet in person, went very well. So I went to visit him here in Quebec, and never left. I asked him all the right questions, and looked for signs of alcoholism/addiction in him, and found none. He hid it very well...he has a masturbation/fantasy addiction and deals with conflict through avoidance. I have been dealing with this fact for almost the entire two years of our marriage. Reading and researching trying to understand. In the mean time, my self esteem dropped, I gained weight because of his lack of interest in me. He would go through phases of sex with me, then avoiding it entirely for weeks at a time. Each time the duration grew longer.

About 8 months ago, I was completely fed up after having begging him to get help and trying to get him to work through MB here. So I wrote him a heartfelt letter stating that I was giving him 6 months to get his act together or I was leaving with our then 1 year old son. He promised he would but did nothing to help himself other than throw himself into computer games and further detach himself from me. The more he detached, the more I withdrew because I was preparing myself to leave in the Spring of this year.

In the meantime, my ex died from his alcoholism at the age of nearly 39 years old. I have two teenage sons that lived with him by their choice, and the youngest was going to have to live with me when he died. This put my leaving on hold, it was a confusing time to say the least...my 16 yr old son fighting living in another country and dealing with his father's death etc. So I had put leaving on hold for a few months. I agreed to let my son stay with my ex's family for the summer to adjust and grieve.

I did everything I could to get my husband's attention, nothing worked. Well two months ago, he was suddenly happy all the time, for no apparent reason. My instincts kicked in and even made comments that he probably had a girlfriend. Of course he denied it. As the weeks passed I would catch him closing chat windows when I entered the room where he was supposedly playing computer games...confronted and he said it was chess friends etc. I didn't believe him at all. I had purchased a program to watch his activities on the computer about a year earlier. I had taken it off because I refused to drive myself crazy over this addiction of his. All this happening while we hadn't had sex in over 8 months.

I knew this was something different from his addiction entirely from the start from his behavior and strongly suspected OW. So about two weeks ago, I put a keylogger on his computer just to see what he was up to. I believe he suspected because I found nothing for a bit, other than he was reading erotic stories. In the meantime, he had this "business meeting/outing" with his boss from Toronto and others that he just had to go to on a Thursday night three weeks ago. The night before he was to go, I had written yet another letter telling him that I was prepared to leave, but I didn't give it to him, instead I talked a little bit about what I had wrote in the letter with him. He knew of the letter's existence but did not ask to read it. I felt we were making a little break through because he opened up a little to me that night, and I wanted to have sex with him. He again refused me stating that he wanted to wait until that coming Saturday to make a "date." I more than had a feeling that there was no "business meeting." I practically begged him not to go, he insisted he had to to reciprocate an earlier meeting (which I accompanied him on) in Toronto.

He went to the "meeting" despite my aprehensions. He has to carry his cellphone so that I can contact him if I need to because of my agoraphobia. I rarely ever call him on it, or at work for that matter. It's just a security thing for me so that I can stay home alone. But that day I called him several times at work and on the cellphone, no answer. The thought crossed my mind more than once that he was with a woman, and I cursed him for it then.

As it turns out, now this is his side of the story, he was with her. She had booked a flight to come and see him after only chatting with him about a week through his company's internal online chat program. She knew he was married, knew he was vulnerable, and knew about me completely. She told him I was controlling him, and that I was causing an unhealthy relationship despite the fact that he had told her he was withdrawn from me. She knew he wouldn't leave me because of our son, so she told him, and that their meeting could never happen again. This is before they ever met in person. She planted seeds of doubt already in his troubled mind about me and my "controlling" him. Her full intention was to get him to fall in love with her. I believe she manipulated him and the situation to fulfill her own selfish needs of not being able to live without a man (she told him about her trouble of not being able to live without a man.)

Fast forward to now...I found two of his chats with her through the key logger. I only got his side of the conversation but it was enough. He was telling her he loves her and that she was his girl, and that their cybersex was just like the first time they had sex. This woman is 49 years old! I'm 38 and he's 32. He says he went back to chatting with her because of our failed attempt at our date that night, and because she was safe being so far away...she was safe, he wouldn't have to have an intimate relationship with her in person.

When I found the chat, I called him at work and told him to get home if he wanted to see his son, because I was heading back home to Ohio with him. Before he left work, he called her and told her what was going on, and supposedly ended it. I have a hard time accepting the fact that he called her before coming home. He was reaching out to her when he was about to lose his son. It disgusts me to no end.

I didn't leave because he was crying, and because I wouldn't have the funds to do so until this weekend. That first day, Monday, all he cared about was losing his son. No mention of me whatsoever. It wasn't until the second day that he begged me to stay for me.

At first he defended her completely, that she wasn't a bad person etc, everytime I pointed out that she honed in on him in his weakness and vulnerability. This infuriated me to no end. I know how women are, and as a result I have only two close women friends.

I had decided to stay and give him one more chance, but am having second thoughts at every corner. I go from loving him to hating him, both passionately. I hate this woman for taking advantage of him. I've emailed her and told her so.

I don't see how I can overcome this deep hurt I feel. I hurt so bad that I don't think I can take it. I just want to get away from here, and away from him who reminds me of it just by looking at him. It's a daily fight not to just walk out the door and never look back.

On the upside he has seen a counselor last Wednesday, and is going back this week. He is being completely honest with me about the whole affair, at least I think he is, who knows at this point. He's willing to send an "end it" email to her, but I've stopped him for now. I want her to suffer as much as I am at this point. I don't want to go through what I did with my ex, all the recovery then the backsliding and emotional upheaval all over again. It's when I became agoraphobic back then, the trusting and hoping was too much to take after two years of my ex being sober. I worry about myself backsliding and going back into a world that I hated with my agoraphobia, not being to leave my own house to get the mail down the driveway, not being able to leave the city I lived in. My protection of me has kicked in so strongly that I don't know if I can stay here and work on our marriage. I'd prefer to leave and never put myself into another relationship with a man as long as I live. I'm comfortable living on my own, and at this point prefer it to all this pain I'm going through.

If it had been a one night stand, I could most certainly get over it, but the emotional bond he developed with the OW is too much to take. Especially when I was here for him, and loving him, and always trying to get him to open up to me. Especially when the night before he slept with her, I had practically begged him to make love to me but he turned me down flat. But yet he turned to her, and she talked about me like I was some person who was destroying his life.

I find myself wanting to get even with him as well, to make a relationship with OM or a one night stand. I find I'm going through too many emotions that are far too hard to deal with.

I have no emotional support here whatsoever, other than a girlfriend whom I email and chat with because she lives in Switzerland. Most everyone here speaks French, so there is a language barrier for me here as well. Though I've learned some French, it's still quite difficult for me to make friends here.

At this point, I blame her more than him, am I right in thinking this way? I just want to curl up in a ball and die or get on with my life without my husband whom I was crazy about when we first married. He says he is so sorry for the pain he's caused...but I can't understand why he didn't stop this, especially when he had every opportunity the night before she came here. He says he didn't love her, that she was just a safe relationship to make him feel better about himself. He does not blame her, he blames himself. But I feel it is more her fault than his since she pursued him and booked a flight here when they had just started chatting.

I don't know, any insight would be much appreciated at this point. Anyone got their two cents on this?

Thanks,
Marisa

Dear Marisa,

Wow! I don't know if I'll be of much help, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I'll try to give you some support until someone wiser and more experienced than me comes along.

While I am not agaraphobic, I do have some understanding of depression and alcoholism and am working on co-dependency issues myself in counselling. So I am a little bit copasetic with some of your issues.

Your anger and pain come through loud and clear and your H is certainly not justified in his choice to have an A with another woman rather than dealing with his own problems and the problems he may have with you. But you do say that he is starting counselling (which from what you say about his problems, he has needed for a long time), and that OF HIS OWN FREE WILL he has volunteered to send a NC letter to OW. You say you have been visiting the MB site a few months ago. Then you must have read so many stories from BS who would give their eye-teeth for their WS to do what your H has offered on his own - the NC letter is an essential part of recovery and something you should accept and let him do ASAP. You say you don't want him to do this right now, you want to make the OW sweat like you have. Forgive me for saying this, and your anger is understandable, but this is spiteful and to choose to delay his sending the NC letter for this reason is choosing an angry action over a healing action - such a choice does not reflect well on you.

OW does not sound like anyone's idea of a Miss Wonderful on the moral high ground, but are you going to sink to her level? It is natural for the BS to blame the OP for going after their spouse - this happens - but it is your H's response to this that is important. Blaming her lets your H off the hook. You said yourself you have co-dependency issues - trying to rationalize your H's behaviour by blaming the OW could be a part of this.

You sound like you have already been through so much with your H - and you are very unsure about staying with him while he tries to get a grip on his problems. You also seem to have put up with a lot and persisited in trying to change him. You can't change him. He is who he is. He has the problems he has. He is not going to change unless he wants to change for himself. He is never going to change just for you, just as your alcoholic H would not change for you - a person with addiction problems - of whatever kind - does not change because he loves someone else. And those of us with co-dependency issues should not be looking for proof that we are worth something from people with so many problems. Sometimes we feel "What would make me feel really loved is if someone would turn their life around just for me" - well, maybe you haven't ever wished that , but I know some of us have, and have had to learn that that's a very unhealthy way to want to be loved and doesn't work.

I think there is a thread called "Acceptance with Detachment" by BrambleRose over on GQII. I have found it very helpful. It might not be what would be helpful to you right now, but someday.

Hope someone else comes along soon - I would say that for now, try not to let anger be the ruler in determining your actions - if anger is behind your actions, try to wait until you calm down before you make any decisions.

Hope this helps,
LIR

Hi MarisaAnn! I wanted to make a couple of comments to your post. Let me start by explaining my situation a bit, so you know where I'm coming from. I have been with my husband for 7 years, we also met online, he moved to CA to be with me from NJ.

He has repeatedly become embroiled in online relationships, and recognizes now that he does so because they are easier than real life relationships. Each time, my ability to trust him has been eroded. This time, I have truly adopted a wait and see attitude, and I remind him of that. Our recovery seems real, honest and effective, and it feels wonderful. But, I won't feel "right" until it's been a couple of years. Like you, I am developing a strong self-survival instinct!

Now, on to your post. I think your anger should be directed at your WH, if only because it's futile to direct it at OP. Temptation is out there all the time - it's your WH who made the choice to pursue it. Now, I recognize that anger is an unproductive emotion - but it's one of my favorites, so I deal with it a lot! I've gone through the same feelings you have: wanted to hurt the OP, wanted to get even by having an affair. I also wanted to hurt my husband as much as he has hurt me. Happily, I seem to have worked through most of that without acting on it, thanks in large part to the repeated advice here that it's just not worth it.

I can tell you that it gets better. I can't believe it has only been 4 months since the last D-Day for me. He has made such a visible, tremendous effort to deal with the problems that led him to online relationships. He has struggled to become more vocal with his own feelings and needs (thanks to His Needs, Her Needs). He has recognized his addiction, which has helped him work on overcoming it. But, even with all of that, I still wait for the other shoe to drop. I expect that he will fall again, and have made it clear that I will not be around the next time. I hope he doesn't, I am so much in love with him and he is so good to be with (except for this *little* flaw).

I understand your doubts and fears, and encourage you to set a time frame for working on your marriage. The week after D-Day, when I just wasn't sure whether I would ever love him again, or wanted to save this marriage, I decided to give it through the end of August to recover the good feelings. They were back in full by the end of July, and I am more than cautiously optimistic at this point.