Hiya, this is Rachel 20, had to change my name cos don't want husband knowing this. I've looked through his emails for a while, I felt like a freak and slightly like a psycho for doing this. I wasn't so much interested in knowing what she was writing to him, just what he was writing to her. Anyway, this OW isn't very bright and I managed to get into HER email and read some emails from my husband. They are strange to me and I can't really figure out if their just flirtine with each other or what. He tells her that he is sorry that they can't hang out as much, and that this is his fault. He wanted to know if they were still bff's (best friend forever, slightly childish considering he is 26 and her 24). He just tells her that she is the only one he trusts at work. There isn't any mention of anything physical, but he apologised for their friendship being "covert".

I don't know if what i'm doing is wrong and strange. I feel like i've got the upper hand because know I can know everything that is going on, but I want to be able to trust him but I can't! I think that if I look at her email i can keep on top of things and I can be the one in control. I'm so confused right now. I don't know if I should try not to snoop and just see how it goes. But the logic behind what i'm thinking is that if I know what is going on then he/they can't hurt me. I just don't know! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Right or wrong, I won't answer that. Some will say invasion of privacy, others will say, if he was not doing anything wrong, he would have nothing to hide.

Be prepared for reprecussions if you get caught. Also be prepared to read something you don't want to read. It might be more hurtful to you.

Dear Girl with Rage:
Yes, "snooping" is not only okay, but necessary. But its what you do with the information that counts.
Don't use what you find to engage in all kinds of love busters. (I know, much easier said than done). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Use the information to find out the depth and extent of the relationship, so that YOU can take APPROPRIATE action to work on your M. That action is described in detail on this website and in the Harley's books Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. DO NOT just get angry and yell and alienate your husband now -- it will only help to rationalize in his mind what he is doing, if he is having an affair - either emotional or physical.
There is a well defined course of action you can take, and it can be found here in this web site and in these books. If you need to, try Counseling. If you love your H, this is the positive way to fight for your marriage, and end up feeling good with yourself.
If you get angry, use this board to vent. There are lots of knowledgeable "survivors" here who will understand and help you through this.
Try not to feel bad about your "snooping". Obviously something is making you suspicious. If your H was totally honest with you, there would be no need for "snooping". You cannot sustain a marriage without honesty. What you are doing is taking steps to try to save your marriage - and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, there are lots of things right with that.
Hang in there. Lots of hugs to you.

Girl with Rage,

I have used snooping, and in fact used a PI last year. Didn't feel good about it at all but it got results. Results I didn't like but results that brought the A into the open and therefore it had to be acknowledged. Some will say invasion of privacy hell if OM is gonna invade my wife I'm gonna invade his privacy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

During my Plan A I also snooped as and when I felt concerned, but never found anything. This last week my WW has been in contact with OM but I didn't know so sometimes EA or PA may still be ongoing and snooping doesn't help.

At one point my WW thought I was having a revenge A and was snooping on me so bear that in mind too!

Ben.

<small>[ August 07, 2002, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: The Running Man ]</small>

You have a need to discover the truth. You have every right to investigate. Be prepared to see things you never thought you would see your husband saying and or doing. Snooping has let me know more about the person I married and unfortunately it was very difficult for me to deal with. I have to agree with much of what the other posters have said.

My personal motto "She Snoops to Conquer"

My personal Motto She snoops too much, she's TOAST

What is a relationship without openness and honesty? A big target for an affair.

My vote would say that you have every right to do what you're doing. If he's given reason to suspect, then by all means follow your hunch. Like all the others said, don't use it to start arguments, say hurtful things, or LB's of any kind. Instead, use it to find out what's going on, why, who with, where, when, and all the other information your WH would never tell you to your face...

Yes, he'll probably get mad if he finds out. That just means, don't get caught!

Is snooping right? Actually, I don't believe it is right! But, then too having a hidden life is also wrong! To discover the hidden life, usually takes some snooping. Does two wrongs make a right? NO! But...I snooped, I would snoop again if needed!! I do things which are against what I feel is "right"...I'm not perfect, I'm not always right, I do what I feel I must to find peace of mind.

I also was very truthful about my snooping! H could make it harder or easier, but snoop I was going to do...he choose to make it easier.

I'm a huge advocate of snooping. My number one EN is honesty and openness. My FWH not only threw that out of the window, but he trashed it completely with his secrets and lies. If my FWH wants his privacy, he is more than welcome to it as a single man. I feel that FWH's life should be an open book to me and if there are any parts of it that he wants to keep me out of, he will basically be committing a dealbreaker in my opinion. He either wants me in his life or he doesn't. There is no in between. No middle ground. It's all or nothing.

My FWH enjoys that I snoop and randomly check up on him. He says that it only helps him out because it verifies that what he tells me is the truth therefore helps him to rebuild the trust that he destroyed. He says it also helps keep him honest whenever he is feeling weak because he is able to take it for granted that he will get busted if he does something that is not healthy for our marriage. I realize that kind of transparency makes some people nervous, but FWH said it only made him nervous when he had stuff he was hiding from me that he was scared for me to find out.

Use the knowledge you gain while snooping to either catch them together or drop hints. For example, you know that he is not following the NC agreement (if you have one). You might reflect out loud how it makes you feel to even think that he is still trying to be friends with OW and why it makes you feel that way. Then you might turn and ask him point blank if he is still trying to be friends with OW. Whatever he answers, accept it even if you know he is lying. It will let you know what the real score is (whether or not he is being honest). You might even print off the article about why no contact is so important without reveling your hand. If he asks why you printed it, you can tell him that you thought it might help him understand how you are feeling and why especially since he still works with OW which makes you scared because he was able to have an A with her under the exact same circumstances before.

Use this source of knowledge to verify his honesty in this rebuilding effort. I've gone so far to not revel the sources of my knowledge to simply show up at unannounced times when "friendly" exchanges were suppose to take place. If you can, print off these emails so that you can refer back to them just in case they get deleted. It is possible to use be so conveniently knowledgable that it forces their hand without them knowing it. I know this is manipulative in a way, but no more so than the way he is manipulating you by lying to you.

Snooping will let you know more about the person that you are married to so that way you can make your decisions based on full knowledge instead of partial truths, secrets, or outright lies.

Hey dear MB'ers - I'm 99% sure that "handyman" is my H (after several beer mind you)- we recently had something come up - me going into things I shouldn't and don't really need to. I think he's feeling a bit beaten up by lack of trust - although for the most part I do trust my H , I think sometimes I don't know when to quit while I'm ahead. He's a great guy.(Honey - you're a great guy!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )
(((sigh)))
Just showin' you all that even though we really have recovered, we are all human, do stupid things that set us back a bit.

COncerning snooping, how realistic is it to really find out if they are contacting each other? You can erase emails after they are typed, he can call from pay phone and no trace, what else is there really? I have followed him in his car to see if he was going where he said he was. She isn't around all the time in our area so mostly I just worry about the contacting and keeping in touch with her through emailing. Worked for years for them. Anyone ever used a PI or had someone check up on the OW? Is it a waste of money? I have the cash but not sure if worth it? Husband has fishing trip coming up and seriously thinking of having him watched the day he returns. He spends it away from home and then drives back home next morning. After 10 hour approx, ride he doesn't want another 3 hours of driving and its reasonable but I really do worry myself sick about that one night every year. night. I would like to find out when she retires and if they can get her phone records etc?? Thanks

Yes , Snoop till you drop. But be able to deal with what you find. I read a few of my husbands email also, and the things he was telling her made me sick, and to find out how long it was going on. Becareful, but protect yourself.

I'm an amateur, but I say wrong. If you are caught, what are the consequences? They are a further degradation of your relationship. If you are trying to save your marriage, don't snoop.

There is software it is called Spector. You can get a copy from www.spector.com. <http://www.spector.com.> Just don't let him know that you are putting a copy of this on the computer. I used this software on my computer. I just recently found out that my girlfriend of 5 years was emailing some guy that she meet in college. I was able to read all the emails. This outraged me. I confronted her about it and she was denying at first but eventually she gave in. She told me that I was not giving her the attention that this guy was giving her. She claims that nothing ever happened between then except for the emails, which did say a lot of meaningful things, but they were not sexual in what she was writing. Right now I'm very heart broken over what has happened. She moved out with her parents, so I did the same with my parents. We are trying to work things out. But she broke up with me saying the best way to work things out is if we are separated for about a month, maybe longer, that way we can both clear our heads. We are not suppose to contact each other or see each for this month period. Then we will call each other to see how we are doing and to see if we can start our relationship over, but slowly. I still love her very much regardless of what has happened. She has told that she still loves me regardless of what has happened also, but that she will need some time to clear her head to see if we can give our relationship another try. So at this time it has barely been a week and I think I will go crazy without her for a month. I'm already going crazy for the first week. Regarding this software they tell you sometimes you are better off not knowing what is going on, because it will cause a lot of havoc and heartbreak in your relationship, that is exactly what happened to mine. Sometimes, I think maybe I should have never done this with this software, but I am sure it happened for a reason. Good luck.

To Rachel20,
I would like to know how you got into his emails? Did you already know his password and her password, or did you have to do detective work to get it. I am interested as my H claims he has no contact any longer, but I am still unsure of his honesty and I just wonder if they are conversing by emails and not voicemails and phone calls. Help me out here and let me know how you accessed his emails.
Thanks and good luck to you. I know how much hurt and devastation you are feeling, but it does get better. Old saying TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS, no matter how deep they are.