Dear MBs,

I have posted my story here before. Now it's been four weeks since d-day. My husband is working hard on our marriage, loving, remorseful. He wants to rebuild our live together. We are spending many hours together every day going for long walks, for dinner, to our favorite places. It is so important for us to be together every possible minute because we came so close to loosing each other forever. I am thoroughly happy at times, but then many times a day I am getting these horrible flashbacks about him deciding to go to the OW's apartment. Yesterday after we had spent a wonderful afternoon in the forest I broke down at home and cried inconsolably for an hour. A few days ago I threw a glass against the kitchen cabinet. At times this pain is more than I can take. You wonderful people wrote before that after an A "you are in for the emotional rollercoaster of your life". I don't know why I am still suffering like this, he is trying so hard. When I try to push the thoughts of him and the OW away and try not to think about it for some time it just comes back stronger and more devastating. How has this been for you? How long does this pain last? When will it get better? It is upsetting me so much at this time. I don't want to LB our new -very different-much stronger -love with this. Please help...

I totally relate to how you are feeling. Although my WH's A has not ended, my emotions are very similar to what you describe. It has been 2 months since D-Day for me. Although the A continues, I have been working to improve myself and have slowly seen some results. My husband and I have actually communicated better than we have in years - it just makes me sad that it is over such an awful subject. In some ways we are closer than before the A, and in others he still pushes me away.

Some days it is more than I can take. I have cried in the shower, hiding in the closet, and many many times at night. I get angry. I think about spying. So many emotions that come from depths I didn't even know existed. But, some days I am very happy. Secure with myself. Confident about my future. Rollercoaster does not seem an extreme enough word to explain what I am going through. It seems that you are having a similar experience.

I don't know all the details of your situation. But for me, the A is still a secret. My family, his family, our freinds, and most importantly, our children do not know about it. I prefer it that way for now - as I am hoping to reconcile and minimize the damage to my children and others. But, the consequence is that I have these extreme emotions and I still have to "put on the happy face" for the rest of the world. My WH has done this awful thing to me, but he is still my best friend and the only one I can confide in right now. It is hard.

I understand what you are going through. It is so hard. I feel like I am losing my mind. But, keep in mind that the rewards will be worth it in the end. Although the past 4 weeks have seemed like an eternity, they are really a very small part of the rest of your life. You can get through this. You are one of the lucky ones - you have the support of your life's partner. And everyone here!

Hi Liza,
Time to heal varies for everyone. This is a healing process. Don't fight it, I find when I allow myself to feel the pain, it helps for the next time. I have found when I fight the pain, it comes back stronger and when you least expect it. Think of it as greiving. Journaling helps, put down your emotions and thoughts on paper. Venting her helps.

The first time my H had an A, it took me about 6 months to get to a point where it didn't consume me. This time has been much shorter, but then again, the A is still unknown and I have goals that I stay focused on.

In time, as your M builds stronger, you will have less and less periods of pain, and the pain intesity will decrease.

I hope this helps some.

I can really relate. It has been 4 weeks since my husband confessed (7/11). And I am on that rollercoaster too. One minute I am doing good and the next I could just cry for hours. He is doing all he can to make things better, even going to church. It is hard to come to terms with the fact I was betrayed. I haven't really posted before, but I thought I could relate to what you are saying. The OW in my case is/was a "friend" and her BS doesn't even know. We have cut contact with them of course, but I still worry all the time. The trust is just not there. Then something will come up and remind me of the affair or her and I picture them together and it about kills me. He said he never loved her, or even cared for her other than a friend. He says never stopped loving me...I don't understand though. The hurt is so bad! Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. It is so hard to have friends try and understand what you are going through, because till you've been there you just can't.

I just take it day by day and let my feelings out. Keeping them in will only make it worse. I pray that it gets better with time. I just wish he would have thought about me instead of his own selfish needs.

~L

It's been about 5 months for me, and I am still having flashbacks...thinking of my fiance and the OW, crying, deep in despair. And like you, they sometimes occur after having a wonderful day! I really wish I knew when they would stop, too. I hope they do stop, one day.

I can say, though, that the flashbacks have been happening less and less...so at least that is a good sign.

Dear IP,

I read your previous thread. Just know that it takes time, alot of time, to heal. It sounds like your husband is doing all the right things, so that should help you heal faster, or at least avoid setbacks.

Look at this experience as an opportunity to grow, learn and strengthen your marriage. Your husband was tempted, but the affair did not go very far. Your husband seems to have quickly realized the risk he was taking and the damage he was doing. If he has normally been faithful, hopefully he will learn a lesson from this one foray into infidelity and it won't be repeated. Be thankful that your husband did not fall into the fog to the extent of some others on this forum (including my own H). Give him a little credit for that.

As for why BSs try to save their marriage- when you have kids together the father of your children is truly irreplaceable. It is not a matter of losing pride. Perhaps it is more a matter of true love. Loving your spouse when he makes a huge mistake and completely f***s up. When your spouse is weak and becomes seduced by an illusion. It could be as simple as him trying to inject a little excitement into life which has grown run of the mill. The wrong approach of course. He should have turned to you. The challenge is now to create a marriage where the 2 of you turn to each other.

Give yourself time. In six months it will be a lot better. In a year better still. And thank your lucky stars that you don't have to replay the tapes of him having s** with her in your head. Yes, I know you are replaying stuff. But it could be worse.

4 weeks feels like an eternity. but unfortunately is not much time when recovering from an affair. In Torn Asunder it says that however long the A lasted from first feelings until no contact is how long it takes the spouse to recover. It took me about 18 mos to really feel 'better' after what I thought was EA only. I don't know how long it will take to recover knowing it was PA.

It is very normal what you are feeling. do NOT try to hide it. The author of Torn Asunder says that your H MUST feel all of your pain in order to prevent another affair. Don't feel guilty, you didn't cheat