I need to understand what to do next. Please read me.
I am female, 31 years old, and (h 36) and have been married 4 years. From the beginning, I have felt very ignored, unprotected, appreciated and restless in our relationship. My husband is aware of these feelings because I try several time to discuss about them. He let me use our money whatever I want, by that showing his love and affection.
We rarely go out, now having sex at all. Our relation is nonexistent as young couple. In the past there were some extreme mental abuse and once physical (even the authority have been involved). He stopped the physical one. But sometimes when we argue he is still doing the mental one by putting my family or me down. Later on he asks me to forgive him.
He says that he loves me but he really does not care about my needs. He says loving to have children but not doing anything in order for me to get pregnant. In short he says wanting this relationship work but he cannot just be the lovely husband (maybe because nobody taught him) He says is doing his best. Our marriage lost its romance and there is no communication at all. We have been seeing counselors for the past 2 years now. It seems he does not want to really learn.

Recently a man has come into my life (34), and there is a new kind of awakening. At the beginning he was only someone I vaguely knew, then because I have to see him for a certain period we talked about anything and everything. (And I still have to see him in the future because I buy some services from his business). He was just being friendly and carried on conversations the way he would with almost anyone. But whether he intended to, or not, whenever he talked with me makes me feel appreciated, secure, just feel like a woman again.
He always has a tender word and without seeking it, he entered the picture. Then I asked him to be my friend which he was ok with. I find myself thinking about him often and wish I could be with him. I feel so guilty and ashamed of these feelings, but nevertheless, they are there. I try not to think about him, but I do. I don't know if he feels the same way about me, but now he looks at me in a way that gives me a signal that he might. Especially lately he asked me whenever I feel like talking I can call him at work or drop by. I feel him closer to me now, last time he even gave me a tender touch. Because I feel so lonely, and because he is my friend I ask him if he’d like to go out with me, of course he said yes. Now we about to plan something like that.
We talk about my troubled marriage. He suggested me to give another try or to move on with my life because he thinks I am still young and do not have child yet. Nothing has been said or done between us. I don't want to tell my husband about this because he’ll get furious.
Deep down, I still love my husband but I refuse to let him abuse me even mentally. I just want the magic between us to reborn but I cannot work things out by myself. I am not happy in my relationship with my DH. He does not cheat on me but his brother is always between us.
I do not believe in divorce that why I can’t do the first step unless he physically touches me.
Meanwhile I have feelings for that man. He has a girl friend too which makes things complicated and they live together. There are things I can do to get closer to the "other man" if I will allow it to happen, but I'm afraid of the consequences and I do not want hurt my husband and my extended family. I feel I'm at a crossroads. I'm sure you've heard this type of story before. I would value your opinion. I cannot talk to anyone about this. My husband and I are away from each other for a couple weeks of reflection, then we have to decide rather we give a last try or move on with our lives.
Please help me.

Q

Q:

First of all, welcome to Marriage Builders (MB). I'm very familiar with your situation, because I'm a Betrayed Spouse (BS). I'm very much like your husband, in that I have problems with my anger, and verbally abusiveness towards my Wife.

Read all you can from this site, and listen to the pro's that are all here. I'm sure that Just Learning, Cerri, Persistant, and some of the other's here can help you with your problems.

Let me say that people CAN and DO change their behaviors. Your H CAN change his bad behaviors, but it's going to take time and effort on BOTH your part!

Let me be clear about one thing.....DO NOT CONTINUE THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS OTHER MAN (OM)!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> This WILL (possibly) completely destroy ANY chance at repairing your own marriage, and it will end up hurting YOU more than your H! That's a fact, because I can see the pain it's causing my own W! Your H may not be forgiving if you do this, and I promise you that your guilt of such an affair (A) will come back to bite you. Ask anyone here about this, and they will tell you the same things.

I would suggest that you contact one of the Harley's and set up a counseling session. It is expensive, but cheaper than a Divorce (D)! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> They are pro's at this sort of thing, and they can help you to deal with your situation.

Please read all you can from this site. I might suggest that you read Persistant's post on "After long Plan A, Just found out, Now what?" You will see a lot of your H and yourself in this LONG post! But, take the time to read it, cuz I think you'll find it very beneficial! Good luck, and God Bless!

HT

Thanks a lots HT, your input has been helpul.
It will be hard to give up on what brings me joy, confidence... My heart is broken to the idea I have to end up the relationship with a such kind man (OM).
I need God grace to trust again my H. Because he thinks I am the problem/cause of his anger. He really does not want to get any help. He trying to work things out by himself, but fails all the time. Now we see a counselors just because I made him.
I still love him, but I do not him to totally destroy my emotions.
What should I tell him in a couple of weeks? What should be my expectations and my limits?
Q

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Queenia:
<strong>Thanks a lots HT, your input has been helpul.
It will be hard to give up on what brings me joy, confidence... My heart is broken to the idea I have to end up the relationship with a such kind man (OM).
I need God grace to trust again my H. Because he thinks I am the problem/cause of his anger. He really does not want to get any help. He trying to work things out by himself, but fails all the time. Now we see a counselors just because I made him.
I still love him, but I do not him to totally destroy my emotions.
What should I tell him in a couple of weeks? What should be my expectations and my limits?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry, Q! I've had a few problems myself lately. My W appears to be filing for a D, and I've been preocupied with what to do next! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Look, I know that the OM brings joy in your life. And, I know the attraction your feeling towards him. But, you are flirting with disaster! Have you downloaded the Emotional Needs Questioneer from this site yet? If not, please do so. Take note of the things that OM does for you to meet your needs. If it's good conversation, affection, or whatever, you need to tell your H just what needs he's NOT meeting! Tell him that you have met a "Friend" and you're scared that it may go too far! Tell your H that if HE could simply TRY to meet your needs, you will reciprocate by fulfilling his needs. It's all a question of "needs meeting".

Print out the ENQ's, and both of you fill them out, and exchange them with each other.

When it comes to your H's anger, you should NOT tolerate it! Find yourself a "Safe Place" to go when he flies off the handle. It could be a bedroom, another friend's house (FEMALE FRIEND!), or a park. Tell your H that whenever he becomes angry, it frightens you. And, if he becomes angry, you will go to your "Safe Place" for a time out. Make sense?

Q, you have to be Open and Honest with your H about your feelings. I know you are afraid, so was my W. My W still hasn't been honest with me, and it looks like we're getting a divorce after 24 years of BLISSFUL marriage, cuz she had an A with OM, and hasn't come back down to earth yet. Unfortunately, I know that she will regret what she is doing, because it's all based on deciet, deception, and fantasy!

God Bless!

HT

P.S. Please look into counseling with one of the Harley's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Take care, and good luck!

HT,
Sorry to hear that w is filing for a D. I am so sorry to not be helpul to you the way you have been for me.
I have downnloaded some of questioneer, but as I said previously I cannot take responsability for both (H&I). He does not want to read anything. I bought him books...Print out some interesting articles in vain.
Now he is saying he does not want to talk to anybody again.
We were supposed to stay separatly for a couple of weeks. He came back after 2 days. I need time, space,...He does not want to go anywhere.
I asked him at least to ignore me for 2 weeks than we can talk to our counselor.
Once again, he does not understand. He want me to trust him right away, to get back on our life.
Then promised to get divorce. He was angry because I am ignoring him right now. We needed this of reflection. He agreed wiht, but now...

I did not want to argue, then I went outside of the house.
I do want to give him/us a another chance, but he is one who does not give us any chance.
I am willing to work on M, but I cannot do all myself. It takes 2 people to build a relationship. I am weary.
Thanks again HT ou anyone.

Sorry, Q! I've had a few problems myself lately. My W appears to be filing for a D, and I've been preocupied with what to do next!

Look, I know that the OM brings joy in your life. And, I know the attraction your feeling towards him. But, you are flirting with disaster! Have you downloaded the Emotional Needs Questioneer from this site yet? If not, please do so. Take note of the things that OM does for you to meet your needs. If it's good conversation, affection, or whatever, you need to tell your H just what needs he's NOT meeting! Tell him that you have met a "Friend" and you're scared that it may go too far! Tell your H that if HE could simply TRY to meet your needs, you will reciprocate by fulfilling his needs. It's all a question of "needs meeting".

Print out the ENQ's, and both of you fill them out, and exchange them with each other.

When it comes to your H's anger, you should NOT tolerate it! Find yourself a "Safe Place" to go when he flies off the handle. It could be a bedroom, another friend's house (FEMALE FRIEND!), or a park. Tell your H that whenever he becomes angry, it frightens you. And, if he becomes angry, you will go to your "Safe Place" for a time out. Make sense?

Q, you have to be Open and Honest with your H about your feelings. I know you are afraid, so was my W. My W still hasn't been honest with me, and it looks like we're getting a divorce after 24 years of BLISSFUL marriage, cuz she had an A with OM, and hasn't come back down to earth yet. Unfortunately, I know that she will regret what she is doing, because it's all based on deciet, deception, and fantasy!

God Bless!

HT

P.S. Please look into counseling with one of the Harley's. Take care, and good luck!

--------------------
"It's only the GIVING that makes you what you are."
....Ian Anderson, Jethro Tull

HT,
Sorry to hear that w is filing for a D. I am so sorry to not be helpul to you the way you have been for me.
I have downnloaded some of questioneer, but as I said previously I cannot take responsability for both (H&I). He does not want to read anything. I bought him books...Print out some interesting articles in vain.
Now he is saying he does not want to talk to anybody again.
We were supposed to stay separatly for a couple of weeks. He came back after 2 days. I need time, space,...He does not want to go anywhere.
I asked him at least to ignore me for 2 weeks than we can talk to our counselor.
Once again, he does not understand. He want me to trust him right away, to get back on our life.
Then promised to get divorce. He was angry because I am ignoring him right now. We needed this of reflection. He agreed wiht, but now...

I did not want to argue, then I went outside of the house.
I do want to give him/us a another chance, but he is one who does not give us any chance.
I am willing to work on M, but I cannot do all myself. It takes 2 people to build a relationship. I am weary.
Thanks again HT ou anyone.

Q

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Queenia:
<strong>I have downnloaded some of questioneer, but as I said previously I cannot take responsability for both (H&I). He does not want to read anything. I bought him books...Print out some interesting articles in vain.
Now he is saying he does not want to talk to anybody again.
We were supposed to stay separatly for a couple of weeks. He came back after 2 days. I need time, space,...He does not want to go anywhere.
I asked him at least to ignore me for 2 weeks than we can talk to our counselor.
Once again, he does not understand. He want me to trust him right away, to get back on our life.
Then promised to get divorce. He was angry because I am ignoring him right now. We needed this of reflection. He agreed wiht, but now...

I did not want to argue, then I went outside of the house.
I do want to give him/us a another chance, but he is one who does not give us any chance.
I am willing to work on M, but I cannot do all myself. It takes 2 people to build a relationship. I am weary.
Thanks again HT ou anyone.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi, Q!

Read all that you can about POJA. That's the Policy of Joint Agreement. This is very important to understand and agree to if you want things to work. Basically, you have to be honest and open with each other to a tee! And, NOT do anything without your partner's Enthusiastic agreement.

I'm wondering why you want "Alone Time" w/o your H? Could it be that it would allow you time to think about things, or would it allow you time to get with OM? Be honest about it. I know (in my relationship) that everytime W went for her "Alone Time" drives she was meeting with OM! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> This is why I wasn't enthusiastic about her having this time alone! Can you understand this? Maybe your H suspects something with this, and is uncomfortable?

It's important that BOTH of you are accountable for your time away from each other. Nothing is kept secret or private in a marriage.

Let me know when you've downloaded the POJA doc. Okay? In the meantime, I'm going to call in some troops from the thread I normally post on. Pay particular attention to what Cerri might tell you. Okay? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless!

HT