I have a question to ask of you all. My husband has been emtionally involved with a friend of ours. After confronted he admitted acting different to me and to her, but can't tell me why, but can tell me what it wasn't that made him act different. He says he wants to work on our marriage and we have cut ties with other couple a couple weeks ago so he hasn't seen her since then. My question now is: What do you do if in the middle of the night he rolls over and tells you he loves you and calls you by her name. He was restless and mumbling the other night, which is unusual, and then I get this. He has worked so hard for the last month to try to make things right and get our marriage back to where it once was and now this. I haven't said anything to him about it yet and don't know how to handle this one. He has been very attentive and we have both been trying to spend more time together and be more in tune with each others emtional needs. Just stumped about how to handle this, to tell him what he done or just let it slide. I know there is a withdrawal period for him, but that doesn't make me feel better knowing he is dreaming and calling her name. Our names sound no where the same either.
Any thoughts on this one will be appreciated.
Huggy
married 31 years
first ever to see signs of A
always been loving
always tried to make him my whole life centered my ever moment on him

I guess no one can give me an answer to this one. I am still waiting.
Huggy

Huggy, sorry to hear this one, yes it must be very tough.

How about you just tell him it happened and it upset you. That it has made you feel insecure and that you need reassurance?

There may be other things that crop up that upset you like this and he needs to know about them so that he can help you? Telling him is probably not as hard as how you are feeling and it gives him the chance to show remorse and do some good to help.

Ben.

Thanks I will try to do that.
Thanks for answering my question.

(((Huggy)))

This is a hurtful thing to happen, even though he didn't intentionally mean it. It may be a good idea to talk to him about it.

I think your right and while he's withdrawing this may happen.

I will apologize for this is going to be long and my last post. I will leave it on favorites a few days and check to see if anyone replys. After a long 7 weeks of trying to sort out this mess of a marriage I got. I have decided to be the best wife I can be, get a job and give up disability, do my wifely duties for my husband and be Happy all the time. That is what he seems to want out of life. He still wants to remain friends with other couple, we are selling the camper. He wants to get back what we once had. Me happy and things go on as before. I have tried to figure out what it was he seen in her that he no longer seen in me and I can't. He can't tell me why he acted the way he did, and choose her attention over mine. I came to realize that I can't put feeling there were there aren't any. Lord knows I have tried for 32 years. I have supported him in every adventure he wanted to do except this last one. I get no cards, flower, presents or nothing from him. Even when I told him what I wanted for Birthday still 4 days later he didn't remember. So what is the point of banging my head up against a wall. It is either there or it isn't, it hasn't been and I don't know how to put it there. On our 30th wedding annv. we renewed our vows, I ask him too, I made all the arrangements for the party and everything, wrote him a letter and read it out loud in front of family and friends, I got a thank you and a kiss. Not once during prepartions did he ask if I needed money for things, if I needed help or anything, When we had an annv. party for the friends he was all gun ho for it. Helped with the band, the hall, and made sure we had money to pull it off.
I don't know what else to do to get him to notice I have feelings also. That him flirting and caring on with this other woman hurt me, he said he thought there was enough trust between us that it didn't matter. I am just going to resolve to be the best wife I can be and enjoy what ever I get from this marriage. Wheither it be a roof over my head, food in my belly or what ever it is be greatfull for what he can give me and not worry about what he can't offer me as feelings and emotions.
I will make no demands on him, or mention this again to him. The other woman contacted me on messenger yesterday about selling the camper and the first things she wanted to know if it was because of them. I lied and said no it was because we needed money to pay bills. She never once ask us about our problems, or that she was sorry for giving the feeling that there was something going on between the two of them. All my other friends ask and are concerned, but not her. She doesn't want to admitt there was someting going on, and has her husband convienced also.
That is about it. I won't post any more. Can't help other people if I can't fix what is wrong with my own marriage.
Thanks for listening.
Bye

Hi Huggy I hope you do come back and post. If you aren't getting many reponses, could I suggest you try a post on General Questions II - I've put out a bit of a help call for you there!

I feel very sad when I read your post. I feel your sadness and pain. You husband's actions have obviously hurt you very much and you feel like you were a good wife and gave up a lot for him. 32 years is a long time. You deserve better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> After a long 7 weeks of trying to sort out this mess of a marriage I got. I have decided to be the best wife I can be, get a job and give up disability, do my wifely duties for my husband and be Happy all the time. That is what he seems to want out of life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although the above is honorable to say the least, you will not be able to maintain it if it isn't what you want. Your H will sense it too. Huggy, can I ask what you want from your life?

Do you know for sure the A is over?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> On our 30th wedding annv. we renewed our vows, I ask him too, I made all the arrangements for the party and everything, wrote him a letter and read it out loud in front of family and friends, I got a thank you and a kiss. Not once during prepartions did he ask if I needed money for things, if I needed help or anything, When we had an annv. party for the friends he was all gun ho for it. Helped with the band, the hall, and made sure we had money to pull it off. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy, do I know how that feels! Similar experience for my 10th. In hindsight I can see that H had lost interest in our M back then, and if what he said was true the A started just after.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have tried to figure out what it was he seen in her that he no longer seen in me and I can't. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you filled out an EN questionnaire? Will your H? If he won't put yourself in his shoes and try to fill it out as he would. Its important for you to understand what went wrong and work on this for you and your marriage. Have you asked him directly but non-judgementally?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Wheither it be a roof over my head, food in my belly or what ever it is be greatfull for what he can give me and not worry about what he can't offer me as feelings and emotions. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Huggy, do you really want to live this way? Truly, be honest with yourself. You obviously do care very much and I'm sure your H cares too, even though he is not showing it right now.

Have you read any of the stuff on this website about Emotional Needs? Have you read His Needs Her Needs or the Five languages of Love? This will help you to understand that he may not give you flowers, but is he trying to show you love in another way?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The other woman contacted me on messenger yesterday about selling the camper and the first things she wanted to know if it was because of them. I lied and said no it was because we needed money to pay bills. She never once ask us about our problems, or that she was sorry for giving the feeling that there was something going on between the two of them. All my other friends ask and are concerned, but not her. She doesn't want to admitt there was someting going on, and has her husband convienced also. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well OW is still around so there's your first problem. Of course she's not sorry, that would be admitting she did something that she shouldn't have. This person is not your friend I'm sorry to say, get support from the ones you can trust.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Can't help other people if I can't fix what is wrong with my own marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aw Huggy, if any of us could fix a marriage we'd be carrying wands! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Posting is a great way of seeing a situation in a different light, because your not in the middle of it.

Hang in there Huggy

Before you make plans for martyrdom, you probably ought to check in with your taker. You know - that part of you that is committed to your survival and your happiness? The taker is not bad, but will not be ignored, and is not above sabotaging your behavior toward your husband, despite your best intentions.

If you do not do the work involved to communicate your feelings to your husband, and enroll him in either changing or letting you go (with sufficient alimony and child support), your taker will take care of this for you - any way it can.

I speak from personal experience! I suggest you read Give and Take for additional information before you make any plans. Otherwise, you know what they say about the best-laid plans...

Thank you all for your concern and insight. I did give him the letter, one of our daughters came by that evening and that helped when we got into a discussion about our life. He opened up more with her here. I think haveing a 3rd party to admitt things to also helped. He didn't agree with the things in the letter, he says he wants me to be happy as well in our marriage, Said he sees where he has been a selfish SOB most of our married life and wants to change. I might add he was right on that one, it has always been him first last and always, what he wanted when he wanted. I have supported him in every new adventure he wanted to get into.
The last couple of days I have gotten two love notes expressing how much he loves me and didn't intend to hurt me, would take back all the pain if he could. Has promised never to do anything like this again to hurt me.Never intended to hurt me in the first place. As for the other couple they are no longer our friends. Said he would love me and cherrish me the rest of his life.
Well folks that is a start. I have never in all the years we have been together gotten any kind of a note, only to say to call this bill collector or something like that and Love ya at the end. So please keep us in your prayers, and we will keep going and see if all this mess works out for the best. He did admit that he was after the OW and the only thing he could figure out was out of lust, got caught in a trap of her needing him to pay attention to her just confortable in the situation and degelected my feelings because he thought I would understand and would always be there no matter what. I told him I could and have gone along with his hunting, turkey calling, dogs and dog shows, his radio's and all this stuff he has went through in our life, but this is the first time I have said NO to one of his interst and would not tolerate it. I love and him and he is mine and won't share. So I guess we are making progress. It is going to take some time to forget, I can forgive easier.
As long as I see he is trying and making progress I too will keep trying. I guess old dogs can learn new tricks. This one did, I can say NO!
Thanks everyone. As soon as I feel comfortable in my situation I will post to help someone else in theirs, don't feel comfortable helping someone else when my life came to be such a mess.
Huggy

Huggy:

Belatedly, I want to respond to your post about the dream. Sorry for being so late.

You have now learned that your H was dreaming/thinking about the OW, the supposed "friend." Your H has been honest, talking about things with you and your D. He's finally doing some things to improve your marriage. And you stood up for yourself and said NO to being played for a fool.

I don't understand why you denied the OW's question about whether your selling the camper had anything to do with "them." Or maybe I do understand. She IM'd you instead of phoning. Here's my take on that: She's playing dumb. She knows the flirting was wrong, she knew what was going on. She enlists her hubby to say 'Hey, we're all friends, this is a harmless relationship' and you end up feeling foolish because they imply that you're projecting your own insecurities onto them.

You have a lot to contribute because of your experience. Those of us who dig our way out of a hole can help others in a hole because we know where to dig the toeholds out.

"The last couple of days I have gotten two love notes expressing how much he loves me and didn't intend to hurt me, would take back all the pain if he could. Has promised never to do anything like this again to hurt me.Never intended to hurt me in the first place. As for the other couple they are no longer our friends. Said he would love me and cherrish me the rest of his life."

I think you have the beginning of a much deeper marriage from here on.

"He did admit that he was after the OW and the only thing he could figure out was out of lust, got caught in a trap of her needing him to pay attention to her just confortable in the situation and degelected my feelings because he thought I would understand and would always be there no matter what."

How I would love to have that kind of admission from my H! You guys have dodged a bullet. There's a lot of hard work ahead of you, for the rest of your lives, and you will probably end up being an inspiration to other MB'ers and a success story we can all point to.

Envying and glad for you at the same time.

Hey you guys than so much. It is so comforting to know people are out there far from the center of things that understand. Family and friends of both of ours, it is hard for them to be objective because they love us both, I can understand that from them. But to get honest answers from people that don't know every situations, and don't know me personally and can hit the nail of the head )so to speak) I appreciate this very much. You all have done me a world of good, with exspressing your opionions. I guess it goes back to "You can only be taken advantage of if you let some take advantage of you" and that is just what I have done for so many years. Once I finally stood up for myself and my beliefs it all started to happen. I knew he was a good man, good husband , good father, he just got caught up and off guard with OW I think. I hope this is how it is. We have cut all ties with them, and yes it was his suggestion to do so. You don't know how many family and friends that met these people don't like them, and were afraid to tell us because they thought they were friends and didn't want to hurt us. Funny how things turn out.
I will try to come in here everyday and post to some with and to some of the rest of you. I will be praying for each and everyone of you and your marriages and your spouses to get set free of the stupid feelings, thoughts, and actions that cause so much hurt in a relationship.
Thanks so much again.
huggy