Hi everyone. I found out 3 weeks ago that my husband was cheating - and walked out. (I'm financially independant, no kids and was miserable anyways and have a habit of giving in and accepting whatever he says as reality, so this wasn't too strange a step.) When I confronted him, first he told me just 1, then 2. Last night I found out it's been ongoing since before we married - with mutual friends, aquaintances, his friends, strangers. He says always just for sex and he loves me and wants me back. After I first found out I went online and found Marriage Builders. I sent him there and said we could get over this, let's work on the marriage, and booked a meeting with Steve Harley. After our conversation last night, I'm feeling a huge sense of anger at him and at myself for allowing him to remove my trust and belief in my own feelings. I figure that it's not worth working on it. He's obviously got larger issues than not getting his needs met. And he isn't accepting responsibility for that. I feel like the work that would be necessary to get over this with him is not worth it and I'd be better served by finding someone else to meet my needs - not right away of course. Please help, I feel like my life is over.

<small>[ August 12, 2002, 03:46 PM: Message edited by: dinah44 ]</small>

Hi and welcome to MB! This is a great site, lots of great advice by some very smart folks.

First, let me say you aren't alone in your feelings. As well, your feelings are normal...well, as normal as something can be in a situation as horrific as this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You are allowed to feel these things, it would probably worrisome if you felt nothing.

Don't do anything right now. Your judgement isn't great at this point. Don't do anything you may regret later. Right now you need to sit back and just focus on getting through the day. Don't make any plans for the future of your marriage, now is not the right time. MC(marriage councelling), if he is willing, is a fantastic idea!

Recovery for both you and your hubby will be a long windy roller coaster. Recovery can take years of hard work by both of you.

I would agree your Husband has some issues, that is why counselling is so crucial. You cannot solve his problems and the expectation that you should is unrealistic and unfair to you. It's at times like this where your vows take on new meaaning. This is where the 'worse' in "better and for worse" come in. This is where the 'sickness' in "sickness and health" comes in.

At the end of it all, you need to be able to look in the mirror and say to yourself. "I did everything I could to make the marriage work."

Good luck and keep posting!

mgm - thanks for the reply. I just can't get over the anger. I want to call him up and scream that he's the slime of the earth. Our whole marriage was based on lies. The man I married was a figment of my imagination. I want to tell everyone he knows what he did. He plays the big shot and everyone thinks he's the perfect husband and we had the perfect marriage. Little did they know that in his mind any feeling I expressed to him was not my feeling - just made up in an effort to control him - or I was imagining things. What happens now if I don't want to save the marriage and he says he wants to but doesn't follow through with the actions from Harley to proove it (which he's not doing)?

Hi Dinah,

You might want to get the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder.... It really helped explain alot of what I was feeling/going through.

This is a great site and I really like allot of the MB principles.... but for me, it didn't answer all of the questions that I had like Torn Asunder did.

Only you can decide whether or not you want to try and rebuild your marriage... But I agree with MGM... don't make any hasty decisions right now. Give yourself some time to get good and angry and then try to work through this... if not for the marriage, then by all means do it for yourself.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

It's funny how the "big shot" type are likely to cheat on their wives or to be angry miserable husbands or both. (I was just the angry H, didn't cheat)
I think it shows a lack of the ability to be intimate which is typical of Type A's. It also shows a bit of narcisstic (sp?) behavior and the idea that they are entitled to act this way.

dinah, have you considered the possibility that yur H has a sexual addiction? That is one possibility for his behavior. Does he have any other addictions or is he in recovery from any other adictions?

I ask that because its possible to substitute one addiction for another in those that have addictive personalities. My H also has had multiple A's that he confessed to last Sept. He has undergone treatment for his dual addiction and is now in a good recovery. I am not making light of anything, the whole experience has been devastating for me and our family. I still have many issues like trust, fear, anger etc. but finally as I see that he is making progress in AA and is taking responsibility for his hurtful actions, I can finally begin to have hope. He also knows that whild he is not responsible for his disease, he is responsible for his recovery, which translates into the fact that I will not tolerate a slip of his behavior any further.

Anger is so very natural when the one person you trust as your best friend betrays you in this manner, you are not alone in feeling this way, whether its one A or 100. This site has been very helpful to me in terms of helping me grow as a person, one who is working on developing myself to have my own beliefs, my own life that is not a part of my H or children. I have become stronger and now recognize that I will be alright, with or without him. C

It's ok to be very angry. The one person in the whole world that you thought would never do anything to hurt you just did. Don't deny your anger, you're entitled to it! Just becareful about how you manage your anger.

Surround yourself with good friends and supportive people. If you feel the need to talk to others, then do so. Don't keep quiet just to protect him. One of the best things I did was to surround myself with good friends and I'm sure I talked their ears off! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> All that talking really helped me put things in perspective (the hugs and shoulders to cry on helped too).

firefly -
I did consider sexual addiction. In fact, soon after I started this thread, I started one in Emotional Needs titled "is he a sexual addict". I don't know what to make of the question. Does the fact that they were mostly friends and have stayed "nonsexual" friends with him (according to him), after each short affair mean anything one way or another. I would love to hear your opinion - here or on the other thread. I don't think it's gotten any responses yet. Also, he has high use of porn and has throughout the marriage - I always considered it a relatively harmless habit although it doesn't make me happy.
He doesn't have any other additions that I know of.

<small>[ August 12, 2002, 06:23 PM: Message edited by: dinah44 ]</small>

cwmac -
You said "it shows a lack of the ability to be intimate which is typical of Type A's. It also shows a bit of narcisstic (sp?) behavior and the idea that they are entitled to act this way."

So, it's pretty clear that lack of ability to be intimate, narcisstic behavior and a sense of entitlement fit's him to a T. The question is is that something that's changeable or not? I've always asked him for more intimacy but he doesn't seem to even know how to begin.

Dinah,If you are interested in figuring out if sex addiction is a possibility in your H's case, look it up on the internet. There are lots of sites that talk about it and give characteristics. Also Patrick Carnes has several books out about this type of addiction, one called "Out of the Shadows", another "Don't call it Love". Jennifer Schneider is also a leader in this field.

Whether they stay friends after or not doesn't have anything to do with it. For a lot of addicts, its the thrill of the chase that gives them that "high' anyway. Once they have that, the thrill is mostly gone. So they may move on to looking for the next one. The fact that he's into porn may mean that he "sexualizes" women as well. That can play into the addiction part of it as well.

I can't tell you if your H is a sexual addict, I can only give you the info I know from my reading, from talking with counselors and from my own experience. I hope it helps. C

I truly believe that a person can change ingrained behaviors, they have to want to first. It is a lot of work and takes a long time of daily conscious effort. That part is scary for me because I also have to make a daily decision to stay with a man who this problem. I do know that right now he is working his program, he is taking care of himself, is honest and open and working on changing himself so that it never happens again. Thats all I've got right now and so far thats enough. C