I would like to get some thoughts.....

My WH is still having an A. At this point, me, WH, OW, and her family (out of town) are the only ones that know about it. I have not spoken to anyone about the A for many reasons. I intend to do the best I can to make this marriage work and I would like to minimize the damage to others (family, friends, children, etc.) WH is naturally afraid that he and OW would both jeopardize their jobs since they work in the same place. In addition, the embarassment of the A would be quite a jolt for both of them, I am sure.

However, I question whether letting this situation go "undiscovered" is actually prolongning its end. OW left town immediately upon my WH's confession to me. He seems to think that she left because she was afraid at the prospect of losing him. The more I have thought about it, it seems more logical that she left because she was afraid of exposure. I don't know what her reasons were, really - but she came back and the A continues. It has been harder for them, but there is still contact and he still "loves her."

Right now I feel like exposing the A would be a HUGE LB and I ultimatly think it would lead to the demise of my marriage. Too many people would become involved. But, I would like some thoughts on the pros and cons of each (exposure to those outside M versus keeping it between the 3 of us). Am I better off just letting it run its course without my involvement? If I expose, won't that send them right into each others arms? Not to mention the damage to my children..... Or, am I letting the A escalate by keeping it in our househould?

Thanks, WTW

Dear WTW,

I can't give you advice on this question, but I can tell you, what I did. I told my best friends (thank God for them!) right on d-day. They have been a great source of support. I discussed everything with them, especially with my best girlfriend who lives on the other side of the world and has been my best friend for 16 years, my matron of honor and our son's godmother. Plus she was visiting us in June when my husbands A got more intense (impossible to notice anything at that time...she says, too).

I don't feel it is shameful to talk about the A, it is something bad that our Hs did, NOT we! I think you are right when you are thinking that keeping your H's A a secret will prolong it. Do you have a best friend who you could talk to? Talking to my friends or reading/writing posts on MB many many times has helped me to straighten out feelings and come up with a good "next step". We are here for you, you can talk to us. But I wish for you, that you will have a friend or trusted relative who can help you through this. Maybe a therapist could help you, too. It must be very hard to have only your H to talk to because -as opposed to YOUR friends- HIS priorities are NOT to see your well-being first and to help and support you.
All the best, and lots of strength!

How long have you been doing Plan A?

How much reserve do you have in your Love Bank?

If you haven't been doing Plan A long enough...
...and your reserve is OK...

Stick to Plan A...
...until the pain starts to drain your Love Bank...
...near depletion.

Plan B...
...is to protect yourself...
...at that point... all parties should be informed
...at that point... there is even less of a possibility of salvaging the marriage...
...but most importantly... you should have grown through Plan A... to where you can handle the consequences.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR