This is a story of someone who just got emotionally slap and is left confused and blamed.

My wife and I met 15 years ago on August 21, 1987. I was 19 and she was 18. The first time we slept together I got her pregnant and since we were young and hardly knew each other, she decided it was best that she got an abortion. Plus early on her childhood, she was raped and which got her pregnant and ended up giving up her baby up to adoption. She was dramatized for life.

We dated quite a while. Then we separated for a few months, when we both had affairs with other people. Then we sort of got back together. But before we hooked up again, I was already planning to leave the country to South America for six months. Therefore, I never took us very seriously.

Prior of me leaving, I was staying at a co-workers house, in order to save some money for my big trip. She was my formal boss. One late night when my girlfriend was out of town, I came home and found my new housemate intoxicated. I soon joined her with a few drinks, which followed with some un-protective sex. I didn’t tell my girlfriend at the time, since I felt it would only break her heart, and she was deeply in love with me.

A couple months later, I received a letter from my formal boss/housemate informing me that she has deep feeling for me and that she was pregnant with my child. I felt extremely guilty and confuse and felt it was time to stop my recklessness and do the right thing for once in my life.

I knew that I wasn’t worthy for my current girlfriend devotion, so I painfully wrote her a letter to break off our off-and-on again relationship. I waited til I return to tell her the truth. She was surprisingly supportive and knew the pain I was going through.

The next six months, after the baby was born, was the most difficult time of my life. My formal boss wanted to be with me and I wanted to be back with my formal girlfriend. I had to take my boss to court to try to get custody of my daughter and since she was wealthy and hired an expensive lawyer, and I was unemployed, she won the overall battle.

My girlfriend and I hooked up and started living together. Life was good, but not excellent. My love for my girlfriend grew strong, so strong I asked her to marry me, which we did on Aug 31, 1997. The day Princess Diana died. We were cursed!

The next few years, we struggled financially and emotionally. Our fights were always about money and having a family. Our careers never took off running and we never had any kind of long-term goals. We started having separate lives, she got into bodybuilding and I was trying to keep up with our bills.

Then she started a relationship with a trainer that promised to take her to her dreams in being a fitness competitor. She started going to bodybuilder shows and special fitness events with this guy. I met him a couple of times and received weird vibes. When I confronted my wife about his attentions, she just accused him as being anti-social and there was nothing to worry.

After months went by, there were signs of dishonesty. I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable with their relationship and felt it was necessary to break off their friendship, in order to keep our marriage alive. She agreed and she admitted that she was starting to have attractions toward him. She kept on seeing him behind my back but I always knew what she was up to, but choose to ignored it.

Then one weekend I decided that it was time to bring up the ongoing discussion of us having a family and to decide what we want to do with our relationship. She made it clear that she did not want to have a family and that it was up to me to decided the outcome of our future.

A couple days later while I was at work, I received a strange message on my cell phone. It sounded like someone accidentally redial my number and wasn’t aware of it. My curiosity forced me to listen on. I first heard a radio playing in the background, then a few minutes later I heard a woman moaning. The voice sounded very familiar, so I continued listening. After a few minutes later, they finished and they started chatting away, I finally realized that the female voice sounded like my wife. I was first shocked and in complete denial.

I dropped everything and took off to meet my wife at her job. She wasn’t there so I waited. When she finally arrived I confronted her by playing back her message on speakerphone. She was calmed and showed no guilt until she realized that the message was of her. She cried and told me to stop and then admitted that it was she and her trainer having sex.

My heart just dropped. I immediately went home, pack my things and checked into a hotel. Its been almost a month and I still can’t believe this happen to me. She has called me several times, begging for my forgiveness, and pleading me to return back home.

She told me that she forgave me with my affair with my old boss and that I owe her the same courteously. She claims she deserves a second chance and she would do anything to gain my trust again. She even told me that she is willing to bare children for me. All I can think about is the other guy and that stupid message.

My ego has been crushed and now feeling so lost and alone with a huge uncertainty of what I should do next. I’m trying to focus most of my time at work and just recently join a gym. Anything to keep my mind occupied.

Was this really my fault? Did I drive her into his huge arms? She told me that we weren’t sexually compatible and it was a big deal for her. When did she stop finding me attractive? Did I not pay enough attention to her? Does it this all matter? She told me it meant nothing, but why does it feel like it means everything? Don’t answer!

Part of me is glad that this happen, I thing subconsciously I wanted to get out of this relationship. We never had the same dream and in many ways weren’t compatible as husband and wife. We more like brother and sister. Friends.

Anyway that’s my story.

Ps. Sorry for any bad grammar errors.

accidental_voicemail,

Welcome to MB!
I understand the hurt you feel. Being a BS (betrayed spouse) is painful and some say that it's worse than a death of a loved one when you discover that your spouse is having an A (affair). You have to make a choice. It sounds like you're not sure if you want her back. For most it seems that after the shock begins to wear off and you are forced to take a good look at your marraige and how you both have been maintaining it. We seem to want to fix what went wrong. I suggest you read "Surviving an Affair" then "His Needs Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. You can find them in the "bookstore" at the top of this page or at most book stores. These books will help you understand how your marraige got to this stage and how, step by step, to recover from this and have a better, more fullfilling marriage than you ever thought possable. It is a very good sign that your WW (wayward wife) wants to work things out. It will be up to you to deside if you want to go down this road but I'll tell you this, its better to try and give it your all before throwing the towel in than to give up without a fight. You will not only be a better person but you will have the peace of mind knowing that you did give all that you could to save this marraige.
Come here often to ask questions, vent, cry.... there are many here that understand all to well what you are going through.
Hang in there, there is hope.

God Bless,
SH

Hi AV,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry you have such a painful story. You have joined not an elite group but a supportive group who like yourself are suffering and confused. Here at MB we start learning by reading the 'concepts' section at the top of this page. I 2nd Stillhurts book recommendations. That will keep you busy for a while. Read up a bit and keep posting. Your feelings right now (so close to d/d and in such an awful way) is quite fresh and you are probably very hurt and confused. Your mind and heart are not in sync and that will add to your confusion.

I will see if 'shatteredinSF' and redhat along with a few others can help. Justlearning and NSR plus many other guys here are good supporters. Stillhurts is giving you good advice. There are some steps in this grieving process that we all go through at various times. Redhat has that thread in his signature line and if I can find him, he can share it with you.

I will share a piece of insight, you mentioned that your W is asking for reconciliation and you may be skeptical? That is normal. But know this, this also means that you and your W are actually farther along than others. The A makes some turn into total strangers capable of much injustice while thinking they are doing a good thing. Your W seems to be past that point so this is a step in the right direction. Remorse and apology are good signs toward recovery.

Anyways, read and let us know how you are doing. There are even a few WS (wayward spouses) here that might be able to lend a hand to you and your W.

take care,
L.

accidental_voicemail,

My ear feel the heat from Orchid ... LOL !!!. Seriously, today I will have my final court judgement on my Dv ... I could not wait ... I know this is not what you want to hear but stay w/ me. You could check my profile to understand my situation.

If tomorrow my WW ask forgiveness and so on ... I will delay my Dv for six months and tell her to call SH. I know this is a very fat chance and I am ready to move on w/o her (Dv is a nail in the coffin) ... I actually envy you in your position. Why ? ... learn as much as you can about MB you will understand that there are two kind of love ... "caring love" and "in love". As long as you still have "caring love" you could rebuild your love back ... under the right condition and help. Read SAA and follow MB way to end the A ... NC and put in place monitoring then willing to work on the 4 rules of recovery or 4 gifts of love. Basically in exchange of clean slate your W has to ammends you ... see Spacecase, he is right on the mark.

Anyway I cut it short ... check also the basic concept link on how to end the affair ... you will see that it is not forgiveness but ammends from the wayward the most important foundation to reconcile.

Remember it is nor A or infedelity cause Dv but lost hope of future happiness is.
-RH-

<small>[ August 15, 2002, 03:54 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

You have gotten good advice and I suggest that you take it.

I would also urge you to seek counseling and not to make rash decisions based on your emotions because they often tend to come back and bite us in the a**.

As far as your WW(wayward wife) so called remorse is concerned, I will part company from my fellow MB members and I would advise you caution because many a WS(wayward spouse) reaction to a BS(betrayed spouse) leaving them is, initially, one of panic and desperation. She'll promise you the Sun and the Moon but you can not trust her words at this stage of the game, because unless she is willing to send a no contact letter to OM(other man, i.e. lover)and committ herself to marital rebuilding thru counseling, her tendencies will be to fight to keep OM as a 'friend' to fulfill some EN's while you fulfill the other EN's. In other words, she'll want to cake walk.

Willard Harley Jr, the founder of MB, has said that dealing with an unfaithful spouse is like dealing with a drug addict and the A is the drug they are addicted to. If you have any experience with people addicted to drugs, you'll realize that it is a very difficult thing for them to overcome their addiction. It will take a committment from not only you but mostly her, to do anything to rebuild the M(marriage) in order for it to have any future at all. Many a former unfaithful spouses that have made the committment to stay with their spouses and work to rebuild the M, go thru a withdrawl similar to an alcoholic or a drug addict withdrawl from their favorite drug, and suffer just as much for a period of no contact with the OP(other person) or lover.

I must warn you that following the MB methodology of marital recovery is very, very tough on the betrayed spouse (YOU) and just like with everything in life, there is no guarantee that your M will be saved and that both of you will fall back in love like before. IT IS HARD WORK, perhaps the hardest work that you will ever do in your lifetime but it can be the most rewarding work because even if your M doesn't make it, you will come out ahead a much better individual and ready for a better relationship in the future.

Good luck and keep us posted.

<small>[ August 15, 2002, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Thanks for your replies. It means a lot to me right now. I am confused and felt so alone since DD until “PI” (WS) told me about this site. The first night I logged in, I must have spent 6 hours just reading everything I could about what I am and others are going through. I read some of Harley’s articles and will be purchasing his book about “Surviving an Affair” today. I’m sure it would help me become sane again.

I have been in pain since it happens, but now feeling some of the shock is starting to wear off. I realize both our love banks haven’t been fill for a long time and it was only a matter of time that something like this would happen.

I’m not sure if I can ever trust her again, even though Harley’s recommends on not having any kind of trust in a relationship. I can’t see myself living my life wondering if she is with OM. I hate myself being that way and I don’t want to waste any more of my precious time trying to fight her addiction. I want to concentrate on myself, feel alive again. She never found me attractive and made feel like a nobody, I want to become a SOMEBODY right now. I want to be notice. I want to be love. Not to be judge by my imperfection.

As you can tell my mind is set on Plan-B, but my heart is in limbo between Plan-A and B.

I think this site is excellent and so glad that my newfound friend told me about MB.

~R~

PS. Our anniversary is coming up, should I go out to dinner with her or should I continued ignoring her? Also there is wedding at the end of the month with a mutual friend, should I go or should I stay? I just returned from a wedding last weekend and it was painful seeing and hearing vows and full of happiness and joy. Beside, out of sight and out of mind has been helping me back to self-recovery.

I appreciate any advice given, thanks a million!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>As you can tell my mind is set on Plan-B, but my heart is in limbo between Plan-A and B.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you considered talking to the Harley's?

AV,

I have posted parts of your quote so that I could respond properly. Here goes:

Originally posted by accidental_voicemail:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> .....I am confused and felt so alone since DD until “PI” (WS) told me about this site. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your feelings are quite normal. Please take a look at Redhat's sig line and click on the one that talks about the 5 stages of grieving.

Also, PI is the BS (betrayed spouse).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The first night I logged in, I must have spent 6 hours just reading everything I could about what I am and others are going through. I read some of Harley’s articles and will be purchasing his book about “Surviving an Affair” today. I’m sure it would help me become sane again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I spent 10 hours the first night, printed out the basic concepts section and put in a binder all labled and categories by subject and chapter for the WS to read. So you are quite the norm here!! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been in pain since it happens, but now feeling some of the shock is starting to wear off. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very true. The initial impact is great. Devasting is putting it mildly. Unless you have really been through it or been here a while, it is hard to describe or even understand. The pain could turn into anxiety attacks, loss of weight (fondly referred to here as the infideility diet - LOL!!). Unfortunately, even though I was on that diet for well over 5 months (in an intense way), I did not end up looking as fit as PI. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’m not sure if I can ever trust her again, even though Harley’s recommends on not having any kind of trust in a relationship. I can’t see myself living my life wondering if she is with OM. I hate myself being that way and I don’t want to waste any more of my precious time trying to fight her addiction. I want to concentrate on myself, feel alive again. She never found me attractive and made feel like a nobody, I want to become a SOMEBODY right now. I want to be notice. I want to be love.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The trust aspect will come in time. Too early right now. Your pain is clouding over your senses of reason. Another MBer suggested you discuss your situation with Steve or Jennifer. I 2nd that suggestion. Steve spoke with my H and I. He is good. I hear Jennifer is good also.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As you can tell my mind is set on Plan-B, but my heart is in limbo between Plan-A and B.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mind and heart commonly are at odds during this time. But they will eventually meet on a common ground. It takes a while even though you know what you should be doing. So for now, don't beat yourself up. Learn from here, talk with Steve or Jennifer. Work on bettering yourself. If your W is up to doing the same, it will be good. If the worse case scenario, is that you are only able to help yourself that is still not a bad thing. Many of us had to go through that path first. Eventually our WS' came aruond. Whether the M survives or not, still the BS became a better and stronger person. So there is a personal benefit.

The M can only survive if both the H & W work at it. So do your part and see what your W is willing to do first on her own, then together.
There is an emotional needs questionnaire in the concepts section. Have you both taken it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this site is excellent and so glad that my newfound friend told me about MB.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me too!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">PS. Our anniversary is coming up, should I go out to dinner with her or should I continued ignoring her? Also there is wedding at the end of the month with a mutual friend, should I go or should I stay? I just returned from a wedding last weekend and it was painful seeing and hearing vows and full of happiness and joy. Beside, out of sight and out of mind has been helping me back to self-recovery. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ours is this Sunday. Last year, when the A was still in swing (OW called on the day of our anniversary and the night before, even though the Ws was swearing it was over....), we still went out to a nice anniversary brunch (Hotel Nikko in the city and listened to the KKSF jazz morning show. It was nice but a bit tense.

So go with how you feel. I am glad we went even though I was quite depressed that the OW (who knew this was our anniversary) still tried to ruin it. Oh yea, let's also mention that the OW had previously started to plan an August wedding last year.. Of all the nerve!!!

Hope this helps,
L.

<small>[ August 16, 2002, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Hi AV,

How are you doing today? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Since Friday, I have been at the bookstore reading anything i can get my hands on about surviving an affair. I think im getting a little obsess about the whole thing. I spoke to PI last night about one of the typicical symtoms in losing a love one, which was guilt. I was feeling extremely guilty and i had no idea why. Then i realize its just one of the 5 steps of my healing process. So im ok now. Anyway I am planning to go back to the bookstore to continue my obession on figuring out if there is hope for me and my marriage.

I will keep you posted.

Dear AV,

I can totally understand how you are feeling...
terribly sad, confused, angry...

There is a lot that has happened to you, but the one positive thing in all this mess is, that your wife is asking you for forgiveness. She wants you to come home and she wants to work on the M. Has she promised you to break off the contact with OM?

If you read my posts you know that I was ready to leave my H at times. Only his loving behavior ("I'm sorry", "you are my life and my love" again and again and again) and his affirmations that the A was totally over, kept me around, willing to consider working on this. It has been very hard in the past five weeks, but I can see signs now, that he is honest and really really in love with me.

You and your wife have a lot of trauma from the past to carry. For you two to work on your M is not going to be easy and you may need a therapist to help you. Look into your heart and see if it is your guard that doesn't want to let the love for her grow again, because you are trying to protect yourself. I can tell you from what I've been through that, if you let your guard down and you start loving your WS again, you have taken one of the first steps to repair your M, BUT you are in for a period of time where you are then so afraid that you could have lost or still loose your partner. That fear has recently hit me really strong, although my H does everything possible to assure me (a "million" times every day) that he only wants to be with me.

I think it needs time and totally depends on the WS behavior after d-day what's going to happen. If the WS wants to rebuild the M and you can let the guard down, try Plan A. It is not easy. I had and still have flashbacks and moments of huge resentment and now fear. But we also have incredibly wonderful moments, with the hope for the future that out M is going to be more fulfilling and even happy (believe it or not-I am using the word "HAPPY"!!!) for both of us.

All the best and lots of strength to you. Keep me posted. Good luck!

IcePrincess. Thanks for sharing your story here at MB and thanks for the reply.

Last night has been a huge turning point for my wife and me. These last few days I felt that I learned so much about surviving an affair and making a marriage work. It also helps reading other people stories and what they have to get through in order to get to plan A.

In my previous posting, I said that my mind was set on Plan B, but my heart was in limbo. Well the latest revelation is that now my mind and heart is in sync and is whole-hearting willing to work toward plan-A.

There have been things that I left out in my beginning story. Things that I am not proud of and felt that it wasn’t necessary to add, but I was totally wrong. It is very relevant and a huge step toward recovery. I found out in order to make my marriage work; I needed to be completely honest with my wife and myself. So I told her that she wasn’t the only one who has been having an affair. I have been cheating with several one-night stands since we’ve been married. They meant nothing, and it only happens when I go out and start drinking. I felt she didn’t find me attractive anymore so I had to go elsewhere to be felt like a man.

That’s right, I’m not only a BS, but I’m also a WS. I’m such an awful person and I never felt ashamed in my life. Each time I did it, I felt like s…! So anyway, I told her last night and we both agreed that we needed help. We printed out Dr. Harley’s questionnaire and we are willing to work through this.

I bought some books for us and I am determining to give my marriage my best shot. I now know that we are not perfect and no one is to blame here. However I am still staying at a friend’s house and I wonder if I should go back or give each other more time to develop our self-esteem and figure out what our goals are going to be.

I do know that something has to change. We can keep doing the same pattern, over and over again. I fear that if I come back home, she will not continue working on her co-dependency and I will stop working toward rebuilding my self-esteem.

You guys probably hate me now, but if you can find it in your heart to give any advice. I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks, and Sorry

How did your W take the news when you confessed to her about your ONS?

No we don't hate you or anybody else that comes here with a sincere desire to be helped.

It's good that both of you acknowledged to one another that both of you need help.

Harley recomends that trouble couples dedicate at least 30 hours of time together alone with each other. Chances are that both you and your W have lived separate lives for quite some time, and it was a factor that drove both of you to have A's.

You might consider consulting with the Harley's, especially since there seems to be a sincere desire on both of your parts to save the M.

Good luck and God bless.

<small>[ August 19, 2002, 12:28 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Hi Av,

No hate here. Hatred does not help recovery. Caring and love does. Well we here can't 'love' you but we can care. So we do.

Truthfulness is a step in the right direction. Now how that truth is received and next steps you both take are important. You seem to be on the right track. Read his needs/her needs, get in contact with Steve or Jennifer ASAP. It will help.

There is another poster out here. His name is : Just Learning. When he posts, pay attention, he is a wise man. He maybe able to give you a few good pointers.

take care,
L.

I just got off the phone with my W and she confussed that she was seeing her lover for FOUR YEARS! I feel discusted and pissed off. I want to break something, but at the same time I appreciate that she told me. I had to practically forced it out of her. But she finally confussed. I know that im in no position to talk, but damn 4 years is a lot compare to a few sexual encounters that I experience. She wants me to move back home and i toldd her that i need to clear my head first. Then she said that she wishes that she never confused. I told her that it was important to be honest with each other if we really want to make this work. BUT FOUR YEARS! damn! We have been married for five, so that mean the last four years has been a lie. How can i really get pass this. I feel angry and confused. I told her that she needs to write up a letter and to end it now. She also told me that he is deeply in love with her and he wants to marry her. DAMN! Damn! Damn! I feel like if we move back together that i want to take her far away from him. He lives close to her work and he works out at the same gym that she goes. I told her that she needs to quit that gym and think about finding a new place to work.

What should i do, should i move back or should we find a new place at a new town? I need some answers and I need them now. I am going loco here.

How do i get hold of Jennifer or Steve. I desperately need some comforting words of wisdom.

FOUR YEARS, DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

Hi a_v,

I've been following your story and just wanted to tell you my thoughts.

4 years is a long time, yes indeed. I feel with you and I can feel the pain that this causes. But I wouldn't say that this is worse than the ONS that you had. I don't think that it matters if someone cheats once or many times, it 's just a matter of how to work things through to make your marriage happy and fullfilling.

It hurts either way because lies are involved.

The most important thing now is to be completely open and honest. What is it that you want???? What does your wife want???
If you both want this to work, you are going to have to put all your effort into this. What was it that you were missing in your marriage? Why did you need ONS?? I don't think that alcohol justifies this. I'm not pounding on you, NO. Just ask yourself what were you missing???

As your marriage was not based on honesty and openess, this is the first matter that must be changed! This lead you both to the wrong direction. No being open and honest lead to not communicating the way you both should have.

If your wife really wants things to work out, maybe just have her look into here, MB'S. Print out the EN'S formular and work it out together with her.

It is not a matter of who did the most damage, who was the worst lier, NO! You are probably both very hurt and mixed up. Neither of you could imagine that you could "cheat" and yet you were both leading a separate life. You lost all connection to one another and this is what you will need to work on.

If you both really want to make this work, you have a great chance of making it!!! Just make it comfortable to be "honest" and "open".

Maybe even see it this way: you are both the WS and BS. This is something you both have in common. You are both in the same boat and you both might have the same feelings and can see the pain from both sides. Not everyone has this situation, see it positively. This could be a step to "understanding". Try to use this is a positive way. And try to remember: It doesn't matter who cheated more, it hurts!!

You might feel that if you would of known about your wife cheating, you should of did it more. You might feel that you should of hurt her more. You might even think that you were stupid that you didn't take what you could of gotten. But is it really the amount of time and how many times that someone cheats, that counts???

I once thought that it was worse to know that my H did it 20 times instead of once. But it hurt me either way.
You were just taking advantage of what you were offered and she was doing the same. You were both wrong and you were both making mistakes. And you know that.

So it is now up to both of you to work on this and make your marriage become what you want it to be. You can make it!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
BB

Hi AV. Here's a link that will help you get in touch with the Harley's for counseling:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html

For what it's worth, the fact that you are providing a safe environment for her to finally be honest with you is a very good start because all A's are born, raised and fed by lies and deception. And if she was truly in love with OM she would have left you already and not shown any remorse for doing so. You mentioned at the end of your first post that she said that you and her were not sexually compatible and that is something that has to be explored if and when you and her talk to one of the Harley's.

Good luck and God bless.

<small>[ August 19, 2002, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

av -
We don't hate you. Thank you for sharing your true story. It means so much to me to hear it. I'm relatively new to this site and have been feeling that most everyone seems to be dealing with 1 or 2 affairs. Since I'm a BS dealing with repeated ONS throughout the marriage, I've felt a little alone. I hope that hearing your side will help me to understand my husband and what happened better. And if there's anything I can offer to help you in your recovery or in understanding your wife, I will. Good luck. Also, I have called and am counseling with steve harley and I highly recommend it.
dinah44

Dear AV,

like the others said-nobody is hated here.

I think that you both had As, shows that you really carry a lot of problems from before. Your wife said that the OM really loves her-what did she say about her feelings for him?

If you asked me: ONS (I didn't even know until tonight what that stands for...) or a four year A, both are signs of people looking for something to make them feel better outside of their M.

Maybe now is really the time to turn despair and hopelessness into a new beginning for your M.

Looking for a therapist is the first step on the way to healing and happiness. Keep walking on this way-it is the right one.

Lots of strength

Hey Guys,

Thanks for the great advice.

My W have been reading MB since I told her about last week. I think she really wants to work this out. I told her that first we needed to cutt off any temptation she might have on running into other guy. I suggested that we move some place far far away. A place that he or she can not see each other so easily. Who knows if that would really work. She has perfected in the art of lying, It would be hard to monitor her 24/7.

She told me that it was a high and now its over. I told her that just like an acoholic, there are always withdraw. She has told me in the past about breaking off their friendship and never seeing him again, but then a fews months later, shes back in his arms. So now I told her that I cant trust her and the only way this will work is to get far away from our temptation and start concentrating on us. This is not just an easy fix, it is going to take us months, maybe years in order to be sane again. Its going to be a huge challenge for the both of us, but if she is willing, than I am. If she not, well I have to begin planning my life without her, cause I dont ever want to feel this way again. I wasted to many years and I am not going to waste anymore. I deserve true happiness and to be with someone who appreciate everything I have to offer.

She now has to think about it and then decide later, but I feel that I need to know now. That way I can start planning either options.

If she does decide to drop everything and to take off with me, I need to think about where we should go, and how far should we go.

Anyway, if you have any ideas, please share.

Good Nights

AV