I caught my wife having an affair with a male co-worker (it was captured on video tape). The timing was 'lousy', as the day I found out was also our 10 year anniversary. I caught the affair only about 3 weeks after it started. In short, only after I told her I knew and that I had evidence of the affair, did she admit to it (as she had lied twice before about it before I was able to get 'proof'). At first, I demanded that she quit her job in order to cut off all contact with the OM. I also threatened to call the OM's wife (who is pregnant!), but my wife said she would leave me if I did that (her main fear is that I would cause the OM's wife to miscarry). She of course, refused to quit her job because she told me she was wrong, she was sorry she hurt me, and that she would never be 'involved' with the OM again. She claims that she just wants to remain 'friends' with the OM.
It's been about five weeks since I found out. During this time, my wife has stopped calling him on her cell phone, does not work late anymore (as this was the place the affair was occurring during the early morning hours), and does not go out for drinks with him. However, she still sees him at work everyday (as his office is about 30 steps from hers), and has lunch with him every couple of days.
If it weren't for this website, I would have left my wife, given the video to the OM's wife, my wife's boss, his boss, and probably told the whole world about it! However, I did none of these things thank GOD!
The very next day after I found out, my wife decided to 'give me another chance'. Since then our relationship has continually improved. We are also seeing a MC. I am giving my wife her most important emotional needs, and she is fulfilling mine for the most part. However, she is still emotionally distant. I'm sure this is because it's only been five weeks, as it will probably take months/years for her to recover her love for me.
Will she ever be able to recover her love for me as long as she is in contact with the OM? (she tells me that she does not love him) How do I help her see that as long as she has contact with the OM, the hope of a complete recovery is 'dismal'? I am tolerant of the situation at the moment, but I don't know if I always will be, or if I can be.

You might want to ask your WW how she would feel if it had been YOU that had had the A and you still insisted on keeping the OW as a friend? ask her if she would find it acceptable?

There can be no marital recovery without her willingness to end all contact with OM.

<small>[ August 15, 2002, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I know I've been kidding myself. I somehow want to believe that our marriage can recover even if she doesn't want to cut off contact with the OM. However, I know that is not the case. I know that even though the PA is not present anymore, the EA is still there. My WW wife knows that she put me through hell, but she still goes out to lunch along with the OM, and of course, she insists they are just 'friends'.
I've been plan 'A'ing it for over 7 weeks, even though I found out 5 weeks ago. It has been a complete emotional drain. I don't know how much longer I can hang in there. I keep telling myself to hang in there, but the pain associated with my WWs continued EA is unbearable. I KNOW that if I don't take drastic action (going to plan B) that her EA with the OM will linger forever. I'm going to see a doctor to get anti-depressant medication. I hope this will help ease the huge ups and downs I'm experiencing. Unless anyone who reads this disagrees, I'm going to start planning my Plan B letter. I know that if I go to plan B, I could lose her, especially if I haven't been in Plan A long enough. Each day seems likes it last forever.....

Hi, Hang in there remember you picked the name. Your wife must end all contact with the other man, now not later. How that unfolds is up to you. Can you get by with your wife looking for another job somewhere else and on one income? In any event she must leave now and give notice. I would also have a talk with the OM and let him no that there is proof and to stay away from your wife. If I were the OM wife I would want to know.
By doing this you are taking controll and destroying the fantacy. But by not doing this you are self promoting the affair"which is not over".
I know you would rather right that plan "B" letter , remember that "B" comes before "D" divorce. While you live in the same house "D" is impossable. Sometimes you must be proactive. So in short she must leave the job and he must know that you have proof and that it's over or the tape goes to the wife.

She is still having lunch with him.Doesn't that say it all? I would pass out the videos to all involved and if she threatens to leave you help her pack. She should be on her knees begging you to stay with her, not the other way around.
Why do you assume you "caused" her to do this?
She made up her own mind. Unless you beat her up and called her names all day don't accept any responsibility for her behavior.
She has character flaws. What does she need? For you to recite love poems all day long to her!
This talk of us "causing" another person to stray,
except for gross misconduct, is overblown psychobabble. She wants to go? Let her. She is not worth it.

She continues to see the OM because there are no adverse consequences for her behavior. She knows at this moment that you do not want to end the M so she continues doing what she wants to do. But if you were to get to the point of being fed up and ready to call it quits on your M, don't be surprised if she all of sudden comes back pleading to you to please give her another chance. Of course most of the time it is panic and not remorse that is behind the plea, and the vast majority of BS's get taken in and shortly afterwards when the WS no longer is in panic, he/she will go back to his/her usual cake walking and the BS will feel like a fool.

While I am in no way advocating hopelesness in a M surviving an A, it does seem that unless the WS means what he/she says with ACTIONS, then there is no hope that the M will survive and the BS is better off in accepting the harsh truth that the M is dead.

The whole reason I have hung in there as long as I have, is that I still dearly love my WW, and for my two children (ages 2&4). However, I am quickly becoming 'numbed' by the whole experience, as my love bank balance is approaching zero. Ten days from now (after my parents see our kids), I am going to tell her how I feel towards her seeing the OM at work everyday, and give her one more chance to quit her job. If that doesn't work, I'm going to email the OM and give him a 'choice' for the consequences of his and my WWs actions. I will tell the OM that he can either quit his job and cease all further contact, my WW wife can quit her job and cease all further contact, or the video will go out to everyone that I feel is necessary. This of course will be a HUGE LB! Of course, if my WW leaves me, so be it! I already know what the outcome of this marriage will be if all contact is not cut off. Until then I will try to make as many love bank deposits that I am capable of.
Before I do this, I have one more question. I've read that an A will eventually die a natural death, and nothing I do can speed that up. Does that mean that my WW will 'wake up' and decide it is best to quit her job in order for our marriage to survive? Has anyone had his or his WW wake up and actually cut off all contact themselves? I'm going to already guess the answer is 'no'.

The whole reason I have hung in there as long as I have, is that I still dearly love my WW, and for my two children (ages 2&4).

Both good and valid reasons.

However, I am quickly becoming 'numbed' by the whole experience, as my love bank balance is approaching zero. Ten days from now (after my parents see our kids), I am going to tell her how I feel towards her seeing the OM at work everyday, and give her one more chance to quit her job.

If you do this don't phrase it as an ultimatum because they seldom work, instead please consider suggesting to her to go to marriage counseling because you are not sure that you can survive this ordeal without it.

If that doesn't work, I'm going to email the OM and give him a 'choice' for the consequences of his and my WWs actions. I will tell the OM that he can either quit his job and cease all further contact, my WW wife can quit her job and cease all further contact, or the video will go out to everyone that I feel is necessary. This of course will be a HUGE LB! Of course, if my WW leaves me, so be it! I already know what the outcome of this marriage will be if all contact is not cut off.

This is nothing more than extortion and will probably backfire. Even if you are succesful and she stops all contact with OM, there will be so much resentment on her part towards you that your M may not recover.

Until then I will try to make as many love bank deposits that I am capable of.

They will be all for nothing because once you broadcast the video's content to the world, your account in your WW's love bank will become zero and your M may well be over.

Before I do this, I have one more question. I've read that an A will eventually die a natural death, and nothing I do can speed that up. Does that mean that my WW will 'wake up' and decide it is best to quit her job in order for our marriage to survive? Has anyone had his or his WW wake up and actually cut off all contact themselves? I'm going to already guess the answer is 'no'.

Oh I beg to differ, an A can be destroyed by an outside party with a plan such as yours, but at what cost? Your WW will have so much resentment towards you that trying to save your M may very well be a futile attempt. But by letting the A die a natural death, avoiding LB's and doing a good plan A, she may eventually see what a bad choice it was for her to have an A to begin with. I don't have to tell you that you can not force somebody to love you, but you sure can make them hate you pasionately.

No matter if your M survives or not, you will still need to have cordial relations with your WW because you both are parents to two small children and good parenting will demand that you stay in contact with her for many years to come. So it is for not only your best interests but also for your children's that you do not strike out against in such a vengeful manner.

I humbly suggest that you reconsider your plan of action for it has all the makings of putting the final nail on the coffin of your M.

<small>[ August 16, 2002, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

what is he suppossed to do? Keep suffering and hoping his wife snaps out of it. The marriage is already not a marriage the second she kissed that clown.
Don't be afraid. If you want to send it do it. Go see a divorce lawyer first so you can get custody of the kids. Then she'll be sorry. There are a lot of women better than her out there who will marry you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by denver:
<strong>what is he suppossed to do? Keep suffering and hoping his wife snaps out of it. The marriage is already not a marriage the second she kissed that clown.
Don't be afraid. If you want to send it do it. Go see a divorce lawyer first so you can get custody of the kids. Then she'll be sorry. There are a lot of women better than her out there who will marry you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then why is he here? He's here because in his own words 'I still dearly love my WW, and for my two children (ages 2&4).

I would agree with you denver IF he had made the point that he had had enough and that he wanted out of the M, but that is not the case, is it? So what does he gain as far as regaining his WW's love and rebuilding the M, by broadcasting the tape? Nothing but sabotage his own efforts of marital recovery.

He has to decide whether he wants to be married or not. If he doesn't then he contacts an attorney and files for divorce, but if he does, then he owes it to himself and his children to try a methodology that gives him the best shot at marital recovery.

I understand the whole picture, but how do I get my WW to cut off all contact with the OM? That seems to be the key here. My WW already knows I don't like her to be in contact with the other man, even though they still have lunch on ocassions. I know my WW won't quit her job based on previous conversations we've had. I've told her why I believed she needed to quit. She doesn't think it is 'acceptable'. First, she says they are just 'friends' and nothing more. Second, she is trying to better her career and advance herself. I believe the only strategy I have left is to go to plan B. I will make sure I bring up this whole issue at our next MC session. I believe my wife thinks that as long as the PA is no longer present, the A is over. However, I know that the EA is still present. Especially since my WW became very defensive when I was asked her questions about her emotional ties/feelings to the OM. She claims that they don't discuss anything personal anymore. Help! Bottom line. How do I get my WW to quit her job and cease all contact????

Hi- I am new here and recently posted- my husband had a work affair too, and is reluctant to leave. I am asking this for myself as much for you (!) but from reading the things on this website, I think you go to Plan B? If you tell her you're willing to try to recover the marriage and she will not meet the basic criteria to do that? I hope someone can tell us both this! I am really sorry for everything you are going through- isn't it amazing how the people you think could neve hurt you can stab you through the heart like this? And then not do what's needed to help you get through it????? You sound like a really great person and I hope everything gets better- wish luck for me too!

You catch your wife having sex with this coworker on video and instead of being remorseful and wanting to repair the marriage she continues her relationship with this OM. What this should tell you is that she has no respect for you or her marriage. She tells you that she does not love the OM and yet continues to see him even though she knows that it is hurting you. Does this make sense to you? Of course, you cannot control her but you have the power to decide that you are not willing to accept this OM into your marriage. You have the power to file for divorce if she is unwilling to work on the marriage. I would recommend that you read the book "Love must be tough" by Dr.J.Dobson. It will give you some ideas on dealing with this horrible situation. Best wishes

My WW told me that if I forced her to end the friendship with the OM, that I would not like the results (meaning she would probably leave me or highly resent me). Therefore, Plan B is not going to work for me at the moment. Plan B would force my WW to make a decision (which she is not ready to make). My WW tells me that I should leave the A in the past, don't dwell on it, and that we should work on the present and future. She said that the problems aren't about my WW and the OM, but about us. She said our problems in our marriage isn't a result of the A, but what happened during the previous few years before it began. I have not been disrepectful, demanding, or even made ultimatums. However, I had asked her about how she felt about the OM during the A, and how she feels now. She got very defensive (because of what I described above). She believes the more she tells me, the more I might throw it back in her face later on. I know that she doesn't trust me because I could make her life very difficult if I chose to do so (which would be a huge LB). Therefore, I'm going back to the 'basics'. I have led my WW from the 'withdrawal' phase to the 'conflict' phase. I know it will take a long time before I can get her back to the 'intimacy' phase. She is being the 'taker' right now because she wants what's best for her without taking into consideration my feelings (she has always been the 'giver'). Therefore, I believe that some point down the road she will see what a bad idea it was to have an A, and to be still associating with the OM at work.

Mr. RC

I am going through the same problem. How do I convince my WW that its best to take us out of any temptation to our A. Since the OM works and live in our neighborhood, I figure the best solution is to get far away from him. That mean, quit her job, and us moving to another state. Which will forces us to start a whole new life together and to start working on filling each other love bank. Unfortunately, she is very hesitant and afriad to be away from her family and friends. i feel that our M should be far more important than anything and anyone else. My problem is that I made it sound like an ultimatem and I dont know how to convince her that this is the only way. She suggested that we first work on ourself as individual then regroup our energy on us. When I suggested that we either focus on starting over together or begin focusing our lives apart. She thinks all this ideas are coming from the anger within annd that I am not thinking strait. So I am just as confused on how to go to the next step. I want the healing to begin, but she is not willing to comprimise.

I do feel that you should tell the OM spose about the A. I found out that my W's A went on for four years and our mutual friend knew about and never told me. I wish she had, that way we could have save so many years of misery. You need to tell the OM's W, she needs to know, it will then focus them working on their M and the whole fantasy will be over and you and your W and focus on each other. Until then there will always be a cloud over your W and OM's head. And if your W leaves you, well she never truly love you, but I think this would wake her up and then you can decide what is best for the both of you.

I told my W about my one night stands a month after finding out about her A. I did that in order to place everything on the table. Nothing hidden, so she can decide if our relationship is worth fighting for.

Good luck!

" My WW told me that if I forced her to end the friendship with the OM, that I would not like the results (meaning she would probably leave me or highly resent me). "

Something is really wrong with this picture. She should be the one to be scared of you leaving her and your resentment of her. Instead she is making you run scared. My advice to you is not to take this nonsense from her. She betrayed you and has shown no remorse. Instead she continues to flaunt her friendship with this OM. By this action she has shown you that her relationship with this OM is more important than the marriage. My advice to you is to expose this affair to this OM's wife and if need be to the employer. The message to your wife should be loud and clear that you will not stand by and be treated with disrespect and that if she wants to stay married she needs to prove to you that she can be a decent and trustworthy wife.

The statement she made about not liking the results if you exposed the affair should set off some bells. I'm not saying expose the tape by any means. This would simply bring you down to their level. My situation is strikingly similar. Your WW must understand that though you love here and want to work it out, you are NOT willing to compromise on this, if she refuses, then my opinion would be to Plan B it. The A is not over and you may have to let it run its course (as I am trying to do). Myself, I am considering moving to Plan B this week. This is the same advice I have received the last few weeks and I think it is true. Your wife is trying to eat her cake and have it too, you must show her under no uncertain terms will you share her. Good luck, I know it's not much but its the best I can offer right now.