Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#416874 08/17/02 01:19 AM
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3
A
Junior Member
Junior Member
A Offline
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3
Hi guys,

I've been browsing the site for a while but have never posted. Here's my story:

I got married at 21 to a very sweet 30 year old man. It's been 13 years now and we have a beautiful five year old boy.

For a long time, I chose to ignore that there might be something wrong with our marriage but just recently so many things have happened that are making me realize that I have been in denial all this time.

For a long time, before we had our son, we were great partners. We both worked, went out with "the guys," played, etc. In retrospect, we were "great partners" because he was the leader and I was the follower. All decisions were his and I took on the role of the supportive wife a little bit too far, out of my need to make him happy I guess. Even my work life was ruled by what he decided was best for us. I can think of several jobs I was totally unhappy at that I had to hang on to because my husband didn't feel comfortable with change and liked the salary I was earning. Sometimes back then I felt hurt because I felt he didn't believe in me. I felt confident that I could find a job that made me happy and paid the same amount of money but he didn't, and so I'd end up staying in jobs where I was miserable because this gave him peace of mind. The same went for finances, investments, home furnishings, home decorating, etc. He always knew best.

It took me eight years to finally get him to agree to have the baby. He always wanted one but never felt ready. Finally one day he decided that we'd start trying in a year. I was so grateful and looked forward to it everyday. He kept his word and when the time came, we started trying and on the first try I got pregnant with our son.

My pregnancy was a very self-involved time for me. I did nothing but plan my menus, research on pregnancy to do everything perfectly, and think about our baby. I think he didn't enjoy that time so much because the attention wasn't focused on him as it had been all of the previous years we'd been married.

Then, I had my baby and I guess instinct took over. I was no longer comfortable accepting his command without questioning as I had done all along. I had a little person that I had the responsibility to raise and my heart told me I had to start doing what I thougth was best.

Disagreements started then. It is also true that I concentrated so much on the baby that H was no longer the center of attention and I think that created a lot of resentment.

Another thing that created resentment is that I suffer from chronic depression. This is not a mental illness but a physical one where the chemicals in your body are not the way they're supposed to be and this affects your mood. About four years into our marriage we started having to deal with my mood changes and this really took a toll on him. Fortunately, I finally went to a doctor that knew what my problem was and prescribed antidepressants which I'll have to take for the rest of my life since my condition is chronic. Since I've been taking the antidepressants I've been a regular person but I think dealing with my mood problems prior to the diagnosis created a lot of resentment in him which has not gone away.

Eventhough I'm now under control thanks to my medications and now behave like a regular wife, he still attributes anything I say to my "mental illness" and does not give any credit to what I have to say. Instead, he becomes very defensive and hurt when I try to assert my feelings about our relationship or my thoughts regarding raising our child.

Another aspect of our marriage, and perhaps the one that bothers me the most, is the fact that about three years into my marriage, and before my depression became an issue, H lost interest in me as a woman. I'm sure he still loves me but in a different way. For a long time I asked and was rejected many times in a row. After a while, I became used to it and wouldn't even ask anymore.

However, due to my new assertive attitude after the birth of our baby and probably his stress, a few weeks ago we were talking about separation and divorce because we got to the point where we could no longer communicate about anything without him blowing up.

This was a horrible time for me because I love him and most terrifying was that I know my son would greatly suffer if his parents got divorced. After two weeks of talking of divorce and our plans for separate lives, child support, etc., one day we decided to give it a last try and see a counselor. One of the things he told me is that he had a lot of resentment and was not interested in having an "intimate relationship" with me at this time because of his resentment.

Out of desperation, and this was before we decided to give our marriage one last chance, I placed an ad on an internet personals site. Out of the replies, one sounded fairly interesting so I started an "internet relationship" with a guy. When H and I decided to try to work things out, I told him about this, and his reaction was very cool. He just kept talking about other things as if I'd never told him about this guy.

The guy has continued to write me and one night, out of boredom, I got on the phone with him. We talked about life and regular things but I still felt I was betraying H so I told him the next day.

He said he understood and didn't even say not to talk anymore with this guy. He knows the guy is local and if we've talked on the phone, I would have thought he'd be concerned that things might go further. No concern, no reaction, no request not to talk with the guy any longer, just an "I understand."

What's the deal here? I don't understand. Maybe he really does love me as a friend or as a "sister" or something like that. Sex is so rare and I'm no longer asking for it even if I have to spend the rest of my life without experiencing it again. I have no interest in the internet guy, I just did it out of boredom and told H out of a need to be honest with him, but he doesn't even care! He even asked me if I needed a "haul pass" to see if the grass was greener when I told him. What the....?

Is there any sense in trying to save this marriage? Sometimes I think "Yes, do the best you can for your marriage and for your child". But some other times I think "What's the use of being with someone who has no interest in you?"

This is so confusing and I would really appreciate some honest opinions from the forum members here, especially if this is something worth saving. I would feel foolish to try to hold on to him if I'm not what he really wants. I don't need charity and I don't need an older brother either. I need a husband. A man who wants me as a woman and only for himself. Anything else makes me feel like a lesser woman and a lesser woman I'm not.

Sorry for the rambling...

<small>[ August 17, 2002, 01:32 AM: Message edited by: Alexandra B. ]</small>

#416875 08/17/02 03:09 AM
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
R
Member
Member
R Offline
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
Alexandra,

Welcome to MB. I assume you know a lot already about MB. If not please read throuhg Basic contact and links in General Welcome.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>This is so confusing and I would really appreciate some honest opinions from the forum members here, especially if this is something worth saving. I would feel foolish to try to hold on to him if I'm not what he really wants. I don't need charity and I don't need an older brother either. I need a husband. A man who wants me as a woman and only for himself. Anything else makes me feel like a lesser woman and a lesser woman I'm not.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are looking for excuse to continue contact with OM you are looking at the wrong forum. If you are unhappy w/ your M, do NC w/ OM for the duration of you Dv process and then persue it later. You know that your happines is not in OM. Your happiness is within you ... you comes here early, this is good !. You have been a giver and your H is a taker .... However you are not a skilfull giver and he is not a skillfull taker. Understand the 4 gifts of love and understand giver/taker. Don't be a giver snap and you are on the way to be one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

My oppinion ... NC w/ OM, your M will have no chance if you have contact w/ OM. Give it MB a try for 6 months and ask your H to join you. Since there is not enough detail and I am a BS myself (for 5 yrs before I found out) ... read up 50 signs of A ... your H might have A himself, just be cautious.

-RH-

#416876 08/17/02 05:13 AM
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 333
2
231 Offline
Member
Member
2 Offline
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 333
Alex;
Welcome like Redhat says you come to the right place. I don't have much time here to introduce myself so I'll tell you to read some of my threads and I'll get back to you later with a response.My brain cells are not quite functioning right now(I just got up). Follow Redhat's advice she knows what she is talking about

231

#416877 08/17/02 11:20 AM
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Member
O Offline
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Hi and welcome to MB,

Redhat does know what he is talking about. I would like to add that you and your H read the book his needs/her needs and then take the emotional needs questionnaire. Having a couseling session or 2 with a good MC or even calling Jennifer or Steve would be helpful.

U R right, you have not had your needs met in a while and it led you down another path. You know this is wrong but until your H helps you it will be harder for you. I am NOT condoning your contacting the OM. For the sake of your santity and your family, you should cut that off. If you get the D then you have the option to pursue another relationship, as long as you are M, you need to respect that arrangement.

Read as much as you can, see if your H will do the questionnaire with you and even read a bit. If not, read and take the questionnaire yourself anyway.

JMHO,
L.

#416878 08/17/02 11:28 AM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
Welcome. You told your story well, I see the picture.

I agree with redhat and 321 about ending contact with the OM. That's a must.

You need to talk directly to your husband and get a straight answer. Does he want to be married? That "hall pass" offer was not the remark of a devoted husband. It is insulting and I would wonder (like Redhat) if hubby isn't having an affair.

I can identify with all of your feelings and we have other things in common. Getting involved with another guy is NOT the solution. You have only limited energy; put it ALL into your baby and yourself and Plan A of MB. MB'ers have some success. Affairs are doomed to ruin lives.

I would suggest the Harleys phone counseling. I believe in their principles.

#416879 08/18/02 12:38 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 116
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 116
Alex,
Sounds to me like he is encouraging you to cheat on him. There was a time when I was cheating on my W that I wished I could catch her cheating on me. I would have had the perfect excuse to run off with the OW. Absolutely no guilt at all. Is it possible he has pushed you to this point on purpose to satisfy his own agenda? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

#416880 08/18/02 11:48 PM
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3
A
Junior Member
Junior Member
A Offline
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your kind replies.

I'm not even looking for an excuse to have an affair. I'm not interested in having one. What I did, I did out of desperation, boredom, the need for someone to talk to... but don't think I could ever be unfaithful to H. The guilt would take me over.

About H possibly having an affair, I will always wonder. I've been transparent in our relationship and there is nothing, absolutely nothing that I've kept from him. Well, he's not the same way and every once in a while I find out about one thing or another that he's never told me about. Sexual and non-sexual. He just keeps things from me. I most likely will never know.

I'm going to do all of the reading you have recommended and I have stopped contact with OM. It's not worth the guilty feelings about it, even if I never meet him in person, which I never considered, but it certainly helped me in that now I know how much it matters to H whether I'm his faithful wife or not.

We have our second counseling session Tuesday. We'll see what happens...

Good luck all in your efforts to keep your marriage going and thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.

I'll keep you posted. Take care.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 488 guests, and 749 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
11october11, Babuu, thomas-dean, Mukesh Ram, duocbinhdong
72,056 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Can I become attracted to anyone?
by clara jane - 08/27/25 02:42 AM
Annulment reconsideration help
by RonBrown - 08/21/25 11:27 PM
Three Times A Charm
by leorasy - 08/20/25 12:00 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,528
Members72,058
Most Online8,273
Aug 17th, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0