I'm still reeling so I don't know how to react or what to do. We're only engaged. We've had problems with porn but those are resolved.

Everything was great till he initiated contact with OW. OW's married he had an affair with her while she was married then made no contact agreement when were dating. They haven't had physical contact yet and he claims that he doesn't want to. But he won't talk to me about it and he won't go through the Harley recovery from an affair steps with me. He says he loves me not her but he's already thrown a temper tantrum (broke some things) when I wanted to talk about it.

If the advice is to end it since we aren't married, are there any resources here at marriage builders to support me through that?

Dear Willing:

Beyond him still have contact with the OW he seems to have some violence issues. This is a big red light to look before you leap. If he can't talk now how will that get better after you have married? I have learned from my own mistakes that you cannot change a person and some women think that a man will change after he is married. He won't!! It will only get worse. It is your decision ultimately of course but IMHO run like hell!!! I am sure there is a place here to support you but you can always come here and there are plenty of very supportive people. But look to your family and friends for love and support. They may have already seen in him what love blinded you to. Good luck and God bless you. wu

Thanks for responding so quickly. I cried when I saw what you wrote. I know that it's right. I'm sad, scared and heartbroken.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Willing_To_Work:
<strong>Thanks for responding so quickly. I cried when I saw what you wrote. I know that it's right. I'm sad, scared and heartbroken.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Willing,

Just by your name you are showing that you are open for improvement. That is good for you. However there will be no improvement on your fiancee's part until he chooses to do the same.

So in the interim, you will hurt but just a bit. Trust me it is way less now than if you have a history of life together (marriage) with children and baggage. You also have the choice to find someone who will not treat you with disrespect. It may be your finacee or someone else but whoever it is they must prove to your satisfaction that they are willing to treat you with respect.

See if you can setup a session with Steve or Jennifer.

JMHO,
L.

Thank you Orchid!

I am true to my name here. BUT I've been guilty of lots of LB'ing lately. Tonight my Fiance brought me flowers and a card and even agreed to begin talk about this betrayal with me.

Tonight reminded me that he and I both take the vows of betrothal (engagement) very seriously. Oh yes Orchid I do want someone who will work with me toward a shared goal of a healthy relationship. And I agree I can't do that without a respectful partner.

But we seem to be sabotaging our relationship despite all the desire and efforts to make it a strong relationship.

Honesty has been betrayed.

I love buster him with nasty remarks about my pain. He responds with angry outbursts.

I want him to comfort me and discuss what's happened. He wants to forget the mistake and move on. He shuts me out or yells at me when I mention it. But tonight he talked and I don't think I LB'd either.

The rule of joint agreement is out the window. He feels I take advantage of it to prevent him from having free will. I want to discuss what he'd like to do because I think I really would WANT him to do most, if not ALL, of it. He doesn't trust me not LB about his wants. I know my LB'ing history is at fault for his feeling that way.

We don't seem to be able to break this cycle on our own. I'm going to ask my Fiance if he will talk with one of the Harleys with me. If he would rather not, I will take Orchid's advice and talk to one of them for myself.

Please wish me/us luck.