i'm new to this forum. the main issue is my jealous, angry reactions to his "truthful" telling of meetings with OW. we have created a contract: one of my obligations is to lose weight (have successfully lost 19 lbs since oct 8, '99), one of his is to cut all contact with OW.<P>he promises me he has cut off all contact with her. yet i keep finding indications that they are still in contact: they cross paths at work, e-mail on a different server, his attitude towards me is different when he's been in contact with her, etc.<P>and he wonders why i'm continuing mys suspicious, jealous, mistrustful actions toward him. i don't think he has cut her off, therefore, and i don't think i can trust him. <P>he says he wants to try to salvage our marriage, and yet, he isn't acting like it.<P>i pray that i won't be the angry, jealous, nagging, old hag wife that drives him away more. <P>but i don't want to blindly live on as though it is ok for him to continue his "friendship" with her.<P>in the past i have seen some of the poetry he has sent her & it goes beyond friendship!<P>well, i must go.<BR>hope to hear some suggestions from you all<BR>lost girl

Well, this is the hardest issue there is, IMHO. How do you trust someone who has proven to be untrustworthy?<P>I guess I'm lucky because I never had the problem with my wife, that you have with your H. When she cut contact I <I>know</I> she cut contact.<P>What solid proof do you have that he's still in contact? Have you thought about sitting him down and discussing some ways for you two to set ground rules for a few weeks that will help you with the trust issue? I know no guy likes to have to call in all the time, or tell his wife where he's going all the time, but the issue here is getting your trust back, and to do that, you need assurances that he is where he says he is, that he's not talking with or contacting her in any way, and that he's truly committed to rebuilding.<P>It's sort of a chicken-egg thing: you can't rebuild without trust, but you can't trust without the foundation for that trust. So what do you do?<P>I suggest starting with getting him to understand that your trust level is ZERO, and that his past actions have indicated that he can't be trusted.<P>Let him know you WANT to trust him, and will TRY to trust him, but that you will likely have doubts every day for a while.<P>Work out an understanding whereby he agrees to try to preempt your jealous nagging by giving you a full account of his days. HONESTY is the foundation for that.<P>You will both find that as he becomes more honest and open with you, your suspicions will become less and less obtrusive. Give him some rope -- just enough to hang himself with. Either he will or he won't. Each time he honors your trust, you'll build that much more.<P>This is how W and I have approached it, and today, my trust in her is almost fully restored. It's been almost nine months since D-Day for us, and we're really cookin' now.<P>Give it a try. Just remember, you can't build the trust unless you cut him some slack. He can't build your trust without complete honesty.<P>Y'all are a team. Don't be afraid to work TOGETHER.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>