I've been married to my huband for 15 years. I'm 37; he's 42.

I found out on July 2nd that my husband has been having an affair with a woman at his office for at least two years. He tells me that the realtionship became physical in December 2001, but phone records prove that he's been calling her and recieving her calls since August 2000.

He says that the reason for this relationship is because we have been married for 15 years and have not been able to have a baby. To use his words he was desperate to have a biological child, didn't have many options and therefore took what was available to him.

He told me about his desire to do this two and a half years ago. Of course I did not agree with his way of thinking. He wanted to remain married to me, have sex with someone else to produce a child, and have the three of us help to raise this child. I told him that if he found someone he wanted to do this with he should tell me and give me the opportunity at that time to make a decision as to whether or not I wanted to participate in this madness. (Chances were slim to none in favor and he knew this.) From time to time I would ask him if he found someone for his project and he would always say no. Of course he was lying for two years.

He tells me that he doesn't love her, that the only reason he's done this is because of his desire to have a biological child. He did admit that there is a physical attraction between them. But I guess that would be necessary if they were going to have sex.

I feel like such a fool knowing that this woman knows personal information about my life that I had only previously shared with my mother and my husband, not even my closest friends. I feel like a fool knowing all those times he lied to me to be with her and she knows this. He spent our money on this woman to take her places. He drove her around in our car. He spent a little more than $2000 in phone calls to her over the last two years. I have unknowingly helped to pay for all of this.

Needless to say I am devastated by his betrayal. There are times when I can hardly stand to look at him. I often visualized them in sexual situations - and it seems that the harder I try not to think about this or see those images, the more it happens. When I wake in the morning it's the first thing on my mind. How can I get this to stop??

I'm beside myself that he would put my health and my life at risk so cavalierly. I now have to take an AIDS test. My thinking is that while he assures me he's never done this before how can I believe him. I'm sure that she's done this before. (She's also married with two children in her houshold. She did move from the home she shared with her husband the same weekend I found out about this situation.) Apparently she's had her sights on my husband since he started working in the same office. She even told him that if I were to see or meet her I would not allow him to continue to work there. (He shared this with me when he first started the job - obviously before they started the relationship.

I don't know that I believe him, but he tells me that she's 43 years old. Do you really think that whe was trying to make a baby with him??

How could he do this to me?? To our marraige?? To our relationship??

HELP!

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Although I am no expert in this subject (husband had "fling" before we was married and continues to see her "as just friends" but does everything with her that he won't do with me. He won't even come shopping for groceries anymore! He favours porn instead of touching me and say's he's not attracted to me "mentally"!!) I understand as many people here also does, the pain your feeling right now. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry your hurting. I don't have much help to offer, as I said before I am new, and not really an expert. Just want you to know your not on your own and to take care. Luv rach.