Hi,

This is only my second post here. About three months ago, I started to face the reality that my H is having an affair.

I am now certain (although I don't have proof of them actually having intercourse). He comes home smelling different (the dogs smell him), he goes out of town all the time, he goes to "client dinners" all the time, our sex life is practically non-existent, a friend of mine saw him at a park with her, he lies about where he is and where he is going and I read the list of the 50 signs and OMG have I been blind!

Anyway, I have been lurking here ever since, and trying Plan A all the while. I know he is still with her and I am so angry!

As much as I love him and want my marriage to work, I just don't understand how I can EVER trust him again. How I can EVER get over these feelings of being inadequate? Most importantly, how I will ever get over my hurt and anger?

I read all of your posts and I am sorry, but I feel WEAK staying. I feel used and walked on and I feel like I'm welcoming another affair even if this one ever ends.

I love my kids but I can't help but think that they would be better off with a mom who had enough self-respect to assert her independence and live her own life.

Thoughts?

Welcome to MB! The best way to recover from this is to educate yourself and to NOT walk away from your M (at least not yet). Start by learning about the material offered on this site. Read and learn everything you can.

I have been where you are right now. I know what you are feeling. I'll maake an educated guess and say you are still in shock. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Everything you are feeling and saying is normal.

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"As much as I love him and want my marriage to work, I just don't understand how I can EVER trust him again. How I can EVER get over these feelings of being inadequate? Most importantly, how I will ever get over my hurt and anger?"
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Most importantly, you still want your marriage to work. That's a great sign. Right now you can't trust him! Nor should you!! Trust is something your WH has to earn back from you. Trust is automatically granted back to a WS, they have to prove they are trustworthy again. If both of you are willing to work at your M then your hurt and anger fade. It sounds impossible, but it's not. I won't lie to and tell you it justs happens because it doesn't. Over time both of you can overcome this A.

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"I read all of your posts and I am sorry, but I feel WEAK staying. I feel used and walked on and I feel like I'm welcoming another affair even if this one ever ends."
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Staying in your M and givng it your best shot before walking away isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength and maturity. I do understand why you would feel it would be weak, but this is your pride talking. Another A won't happen if you and WH educate yourselves and understand why this one happened in the first place and don't repeat the mistakes of the past.

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"I love my kids but I can't help but think that they would be better off with a mom who had enough self-respect to assert her independence and live her own life."
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I know you love your kids and want what's best for them, most parents do! Think on this...if you could put your marriage back together, wouldn't your children be happier with TWO fully functioning parents. If you end your M now, the real lesson they learn is to walk away when things get tough. They learn that commitment is an empty word. They have their worlds turned upside down by your hasty decision!

My advice to you:
-don't make any hasty decisions. These are decisions you may live to regret later.
-educate yourself.
-when all is said and done, you must be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say that you did everything you could do to save your marriage.
-don't run away from your problems, deal with them.
-consider counselling. It can make for a better marriage or a better divorce.
-even though your WH made the choice to have an A, you need to understand why he made those choices and how your part in the marriage 'set the stage' for this A.
-look after yourself, pamper yourself. If you are an emotional and physical wreck then you are no good to anyone, especially your kids.

One final thought. Marriage is a commitment, a promise. Who told you it would always be wonderful? Right now is the 'worse' in for better or worse! Right now is the 'sickness' in sickness and health. Don't do what your WH has done and run away from your problems. If you leave now you'll only dong what he is...escaping.

LonelyW -- First, welcome and I am so sorry you have to be here at all seeking answers.

I know that at first it feels as if you're being weak, but the reality of the situation is that the wayward spouse and the OW are the weak ones. The strong ones are the ones that stand up for their marriage and try. You can be strong. You have choices. You can chose to try or you can chose to walk away. I know it is a struggle and some days, yes, I do feel like a doormat, but ultimately I feel stronger for having tried. If I hadn't tried/keep trying I am sure I would eventually feel incredibly weak for having walked away from my marriage.

I don't know what the specific advice is regarding confronting your WH. I would get a copy of three books before you do it to gather your thoughts and figure out what you want to do. Surviving an Affair by Harley, After the Affair by Janis Abrahm Spring and Private Lies by Pittman.

I think (it's my personal opinion and I don't know what specifically the Harley's advise on this point exactly) that you should try and confront the situation as calmly as you possibly can and state that you are incredibly hurt, but are willing to try. Like you, I cannot believe I didn't see the signs earlier.

It takes an incredible amount of courage to even want to try when you are faced with the betrayal and lies in an affair. It will take an incredible amount of pain and courage to look hard at your marriage, but I believe it is worth it.

Ok, before I write my opinion let me just say I don't want to offend anyone, and this may be the bitterness talking, since I have recently found out about my husband's affair. But I am in the same stage as this poster. I feel very weak too, and like I am being walked on every day by my husband and his "friend". I try to understand Plan A and I am trying to do it, but I don't get how it is supposed to work! My husband sees every day, that I continue to stay with him, knowing he had the affair, and in addition I am being sweet and loving! He has it all! Why on earth would he stop seeing this OW when he has a loving wife, condoning his actions by staying? Yes I say verbally in a sweet voice I don't like what he is doing, but I am STILL HERE! What am I not getting?

I also feel like life is too short to be hanging on indefinitely, waiting for him to come around. it is not fair to me. No, I am not going to give upnow, but I cannot imagine living like this for another year or more, and just giving, giving, giving while he takes, takes, takes. This can't possibly be healthy!

I havejust started taking anti-depressants and my husband has caught me doing it. He's not dumb so he knows why I have them, although I haven't said anything. he doesn't even seem to care. I am so depressed that another human can act like this to someone he supposedly loves. I know this sounds selfish, but honestly sometimes I don't care- when is HE going to feel some pain and sadness? He is so happy and carefree right now I can't believe it.

Sorry for the rant about my own probs, I'm just saying that I empathize with you!!!!!!!!

I'm not a fundamental follower of MB! I don't think that any single program can work for every extra-marital situation out there! This site offers valuable tools, use them! Find other tools to use by educating yourself. 'Unsureheart' gave you some excellent book titles to start with! 'After the Affair' is my favourite.

No where does it say "be a doormat". No where does it say "give until you are all used up". It's important to set boundaries so you won't be sacrificing your very being to someone who doesn't care. You can still be nice and not let yourself be pushed around or taken advantage of.

<small>[ August 19, 2002, 08:07 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

Thank you all so much for your posts.

MGM, Wow - you have incredible insight
Unsureheart - Thanks for the book recommendations
Libbie6 - You took the words right out of my mouth

So here is my dilemna. The issue is confrontation. To begin with, I have always avoided conflict. What makes it worse is that unless I have hard core proof, my WH will DENY it to his death bed. Trust me on this one. So here I sit, knowing he is with her, and not able to confront him.

I want to confront him so that I can find out if he even wants to be in the M. I'm guessing he does because he hasn't left and shows no signs of leaving. But he also doesn't show any signs of leaving HER!

GRRRRRR!!!! Please help!

LonelyW,

I can speak from experience and say that yes, denial will most likely continue until absolute proof is presented. When I found proof, and confronted her, she still denied until she saw it.

If you strongly suspect, chances are you are probably correct. I was a very trusting person, but I knew deep in my heart what was going on. The only way I found proof was by snooping, and that was only after accidentally finding information that seemed highly strange.

Some people are better at hiding things than others. If I lie, people usually see right through it, but I have a tough time figuring out when people are lying so I usually believe them. Your situation is unique, so use your best judgement before snooping or questioning. Be prepared for some backlash, and be especially suspicious if you receive an angry response. People usually open up if there is nothing to hide.