i'm new to this forum. the main issue is my jealous, angry reactions to his "truthful" telling of meetings with OW. we have created a contract: one of my obligations is to lose weight (have successfully lost 19 lbs since oct 8, '99), one of his is to cut all contact with OW.<P>he promises me he has cut off all contact with her. yet i keep finding indications that they are still in contact: they cross paths at work, e-mail on a different server, his attitude towards me is different when he's been in contact with her, etc.<P>and he wonders why i'm continuing mys suspicious, jealous, mistrustful actions toward him. i don't think he has cut her off, therefore, and i don't think i can trust him. <P>he says he wants to try to salvage our marriage, and yet, he isn't acting like it.<P>i pray that i won't be the angry, jealous, nagging, old hag wife that drives him away more. <P>but i don't want to blindly live on as though it is ok for him to continue his "friendship" with her.<P>in the past i have seen some of the poetry he has sent her & it goes beyond friendship!<P>well, i must go.<BR>hope to hear some suggestions from you all<BR>lost girl

hi, what parts of Plan A have you gone through? Will your H take your suggestions for him to cut contact with the OW? Has your H taken any steps to resolve your emotional needs? Dr. Harley's emotional needs questionaire is very good! You should both try it. Make sure your H reads the books. Our counselor started us out with After the Affair. It was unbelievable good. I just ordered Dr. H's books so I haven't read them. But from what I see here- they sound great. <P>My h was attempting to "protect my feelings" with his B. Clinton responses/ half truths. I know where you are coming from. But, after counseling and reading the books- our misunderstandings have turned into peaceful yet intense heart to heart conversations. I wish the OW knew what I knew about them...I think she'd withdrawal really fast. <P>These OP always want to continue to feel special to their OP. The funny part is, they are both living in fantasy land. When you read the books you'll know what I'm talking about.<P>Good luck. Congratulations on the weight loss! That shows how strong you are. Don't let your H see your weaknesses- leave him quessing a little. It'll turn his head.

lostgirl,<P>A few quotes from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> come to mind at your stage... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse. (page 55 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An affair is a very powerful addiction. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... this separation of your H from OW is <B>so</B> important... At some time, once your H has commited to this sepration... you'll need to have him (with your help) tell the OW that the <B>relationship is over</B> (there is a good sample letter on page 58-59 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>). Make sure H doesn't write it himself... ad that someone else deliver it (not he an not you)!<P>If you don't have the book... Post asking for some samples other's have written with their spouses!<P>Keep us posted...<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

thanks to all for replies! am not only dealing with H, OW, but kid's b'day and the H's parents coming for said b'day, and then c'mas in just a few more days!<P>wish i could stop the world & get off<P>lostgirl

Keep posting lostgirl,<P>Hopeful we can "find" you... <BR>and more impotantly... you can find yourself... with our help... <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Yikes! Deja vu allll over again! <P>Hi lostgirl,<P>Hope you don't think I'm being too flip. Couldn't quite help it. Your situation with your H sounds similar to my own with my wife. <P>My wife Suse (who also participates here) had an affair years and years ago. She thought our marriage was over-and-done. We started going to counselling out of a sense of "Duty. Honor. Country." <P>Wellllll, I suprised the heck out of her and was quite receptive to changing to make things better. Ooops, that wasn't supposed to happen. Not the script. Then she had to change her approach. Our counsellor advised her not to disclose to me and one of the results of that was it took us years to work through the whole mess. Yes....I DO recognize those Walls. Makes Berlin look like a sand castle standing before the incoming tide.<P>Anyhoo...maybe our experiences can help you. I'd be willing to share. Maybe we can help you two get thru this a lot faster than we did.<P>Post back iff'n ya want.<P>Best,<P>Dunc

dunc:<P>is there hope? i want to restore our marriage. H says he does. but sometimes we don't act like it!<P>i get so angry & jealous when i think of H with the OW. he tells me up front that he has no romantic feelings towards me.<P>right now i'm clinging to isaiah 30:15<BR>"the holy Lord God of Israel had told all of you, 'i will keep you safe if you turn back to me and calm down. i will make you strong if you quietly turst me.'"<P>i'm trying to "calm down". the last few days have been the most peaceful we've had for awhile. i feel like i'm in a 12-step program: one minute at a time!<P>thanks for the encouragement<BR>lostgirl