Wow! Where do I begin?

I've been married 13 years. My wife and I have had an up and down marriage and have never gone for counseling. I travel a lot during the week and spend lots of hours at work. On the weekends, we usually do things as a family (2 young sons).

Over the last 8 months, my wife has fallen deeply in love with her best friend, another woman (I'll call her Jane for anonymity). Jane and my wife get on the phone every morning by 8:00, spend most of every day together, and then get on the phone in the evening. Jane also has two children, both of whom get along very well with our children.

My wife initially has been very honest with me about the situation. She thinks her deep feelings began in January, and that they fell deeply in love from Jan - Mar. From April on, their relationship has just grown more and more intense. No sexual experiences have taken place, but they are both very interested.

They are both VERY STRONGLY considering taking the kids and leaving their husbands to start a new life together. In my wife's opinion, Jane is at least bisexual and perhaps a lesbian. My wife is clearly bisexual.

This situation has intensified over the last month or so, when Jane's husband finally found out about it. While he's more relaxed about it than I am, he also needs some resolution.

I genuinely think both women want to leave their husbands. My wife has said it repeatedly, and Jane also told my wife that's what she wants to do. But Jane thinks she's confused.

I tried Plan A with my wife, but she refused to cut it off. Jane has been giving my wife lots of reading material that suggests that gay/bisexual women must engage in a relationship with another woman for true, complete fulfillment. I know my wife has accountability, but Jane is certainly influencing her judgement.

My wife feels very little for me. She's completely out of love with me and completely in love with Jane. Because of this, I have difficulty pursuing Plan B. If I just walk away, she's sure to leave and start a life with Jane. At the same time, there's nothing I can do/say (quickly) to help her fall out of love with Jane and back in love with me.

My wife is very traditional. Everyone who is aware of the situation is extremely shocked. While our marriage had its problems, I think this is simply a strong emotional affair that just "feels great and is exciting."

As soon as I noticed that my wife was disconnected from me, I sought marriage counseling. And my wife acknowledged that I made lots of progress with my issues. But it appeared to be too late; my wife did not respond to my changes, as she was too deply in love with Jane.

If either my wife or Jane would walk away from this affair, I believe both families would be saved and thrive. It kills me to think that both of these women are placing their own needs above the needs of their children and families.

Since nothing is resolved, I want to talk about the status of things all the time (which my wife perceives as a burden). But I'm very anxious about what's at stake -- my family as I know it.

What can I do? Please help.

<small>[ August 21, 2002, 01:10 AM: Message edited by: chaimd ]</small>

chaimd,
I'm sorry to hear of your situation.
It has some erie similarity to my own, check my posts.
I tried to warn my wife as to the direction they were taking but to no avail.
It ended with a PA.
You seem to have a different situation where you wife and the OW are both admitting to a bisexual attraction.
My wife was in denial until the PA happened then she started to wake up.
I do suggest you spend some time on this site as there is a lot of great info that I have used to help me.
There is also some very astute and experienced posters here that far exceed my knowledge.
One thing though IT IS DIFFERENT from most affairs because you are dealing with a possible change in your wifes sexual orientation.
That's one subject that makes it all different.
Just remember that she is in a fog right now and can't see the truth.

My thoughts are with you and you are not alone

Brad

p.s. If you feel in your heart you want this marriage, try your best to make it work.
My first instinct was to throw her out but we're working on it and some days are good some bad but we are slowly moving in the right direction.
There is hope.

<small>[ August 22, 2002, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: bradleym ]</small>

The odd thing is that my wife acknowledges that what she and Jane are considering doing (breaking up two families) is crazy and makes no sense whatsoever. They're jeopardizing the well-being of 4 children and essentially abandoning reasonably happy marriages. Both of these women claim they wish they had cut it off earlier, but now feel unable to walk away from the situation. In fact, my wife says they've tried repeatedly, without success, to see less of each other. It seems to be an addition. They can't -- or at least don't want to -- walk away. Yet they know that leaving their families is not the right thing to do.

Needless to say, I feel helpless.

Hi Chaimd,

How are things going? any progress?
As you can see by the lack of posts to your problem most people do not know how to handle an A problem when bisexuality is involved.
Its a good thing that she acknowledges the fact that it's crazy what she's doing.
Imho you should go to plan b and have her move out and you keep the kids.
A's are built on fantasy and not reality and if she's forced to go on her own she has a better chance to see the light.
You do run the chance of losing her but you clearly can't continue along the road you're on now.
Have you bought "His Needs, Her Needs yet?
Have you showed her this site and read anything together here?
I think you have to insist that the OW is out of your lives if you want to get the heart of the problems and start to repair them.
As long as the OW is there she is getting her needs filled by both of you.
Are you positiveley sure that she doesn't love you anymore?
Love isn't something you can switch off but sometimes it does get buried during a A.
Keep talking to her and don't lose your cool,play it safe and be as decent to her as you can.
I know thats hard but if you want the marriage to survive these are some of the steps that you must take.

Brad