Everything tells me that she is probably going to move out, but when she asks what bed to sleep in (basically, am I making her stay in another room) and she chooses the bed that I will sleep in, it confuses me...

Maybe she just wants the bigger bed.

If she was truly in love with OM, I would seriously doubt very much that she would be chosing to sleep with you. She would have left you already to be with OM.

I would recomend you two go to counseling.

All that is going on is sleeping, so I wonder why it is important to her to stay in my bed, as opposed to one in the other room.

I've always seen myself as her rock and the only thing in her life that is truly stable. Other than having an A, she's got a great head on her shoulders and she is very street-wise. I'm more book-smart, but naive, so it's very difficult for me to get to the bottom of all of this.

What I think is that she is very worried about being judged for having an A, but also scared to go back into our marriage and be unhappy. I told her that I have learned from my mistakes, as I am one of those INTJ types that don't really need much attention to be happy, but she is an ESFJ. ESFJ's need to SEE that people love them. I just didn't show it and she felt lonely, thus the A started because unemployed ex-friend had tons of spare time to do nothing but develop friendship/EA/PA with WW.

I've got class most of the weekend, should be tough to concentrate during, but I'll get by. Maybe some space will help her decide. If she can't decide by Monday or Tuesday, I think that it would be best for her to leave for a while.

How long should I wait before she can decide? I told her I wanted to know by today what she was doing, but she hasn't told yet.

She's out on errands right now.

Is this something I should continuously bring up? Basically, on Thursday, I told her to cut contact or leave. I would still like to separate myself even if she can't decide yet, so I am removed from the situation. I don't want to leave and don't feel I should leave because she had the A.

Obviously, there are doubts in her mind about OM because she would have left by now if there weren't, but I'm tired of this. It's getting to the point where my LB is near empty.

Do I extend the deadline???

If you start extending deadlines you might as well accept the affair as a continual part of your marriage. She needs to see that you are really serious about moving on without her if she continues to see the OM. The only way you can do that is to go to Plan B or D.

Thanks for your response, and I agree completely that I can't let it go on...

I understand setting boundaries, but how do I enforce them? I want to go to plan B if she can't make up her mind, but I am not leaving my house because she had an affair. She should be the one that goes elsewhere.

One fact that I have left out that may be a reason why she isn't leaving...OM lives with his parents due to unemployment...he cannot provide support that I can...she would need to support him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Basically, on Thursday, I told her to cut contact or leave. I would still like to separate myself even if she can't decide yet, so I am removed from the situation. I don't want to leave and don't feel I should leave because she had the A.

I understand setting boundaries, but how do I enforce them? I want to go to plan B if she can't make up her mind, but I am not leaving my house because she had an affair. She should be the one that goes elsewhere.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's her home too and legally if she doesn't want to leave then you can't force her to leave. You then have a standoff.

Since contact with OM is intolerable to you, then I would humbly suggest you reconsider your position about you not moving out.

As far as boundaries are concerned, the only boundaries you can enforce are yours not hers. You CAN NOT go to plan B if you are living under the same roof and since you are hellbent on not moving out, then you will never be able to implement plan B.

You have choices, hard choices but nonetheless choices. You can chose to leave her and file for separation, you can chose to leave her and file for divorce, you can chose to stay with her and not talk to her, you can chose to stay with her and talk to her, etc., etc. You get my drift?

The problem is that YOU WANT HER to chose while YOU AVOID making any hard choices yourself. But the thing is that SHE ALSO DOES NOT WANT to make any hard choices herself. And as long as both of you are unwilling to make hard choices, then nothing will be resolved one way or the other.

Good luck.

I do think you should ask bring it up again...ask her if she's made up her mind....not just "not talk about it" and rock along.

So far, she's still gone out with y'alls friends, still been in contact and you are the one without support, staying home, etc.

Find out "respectfully" where you stand (would be my choice). I agree, if you don't set your boundries and stick with them your WW will keep pushing. By what you've found as far as the bank statement etc, you've already found she's not "come clean" with you as far as the A. Her feelings have not been toward restoration of your Marriage and for you. They have been selfish and for herself and keeping him in the picture.

Decide what you will live with and enforce it. IMHO. Good luck!

Hugs and Prayers~

Hoping,

Hang in there. I'm thinking about you. I'm new to this also. Harley's books "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" have been a help for me.

I am also in the same place. My wife has just served me with divorce papers, and now I am finding out she has had an EA and it now looks like they have moved it into a PA. I don't want to believe it, but everyone around me say's it is definate.

I'm still in denial, however, I was the type of person who has to feel clean at doing whatever I can do to make sure I feel no remorse, or letting my self pride get in the way of my future, my children, or forgiveness.

I too am catholic, not a heavy practicing catholic until recently. I pray for signs. I've been told to hand it over to God.

It looks like your wife is very self absorbed and materialistic. This is a major problem in your recovery. She doesn't appear to have taken a look at what she has done and accepted responsibility or taken any accountability for your pain.

I agree with you, you also need to feel that she is completely sorry, and I believe that should be on your terms, not her's.

As I contemplate my pending divorce, I wonder how much abuse I can take as well, but the bottom line is you must be ready to determine if and when love just isn't enough.

Best of Luck
---------------------------
Me 36 Wife 35
Divorce Papers: June 14
Moved Out June 14
2 Children (4,6)
Upper 10% income level
Both Work
Always Been faithfull

Thanks for your advice and support.

I just talked to her and asked her if she made her decision. She said she still didn't know. I replied that I needed to know tonight. She is now going to the store and going tanning. She said we could talk when she got home. Hopefully, we will have a direction then. I think going anywhere, even a direction that is not first choice is better than spinning wheels and not moving anywhere.

I'll post again when I find out what's going on...

ok, so your marriage hangs in the balance and she needs to go tan? Do you think she just needs to think? Do you think she needed out to go talk to someone? I'm just thinking what would you not know that a 20 minute tanning session and trip to the store is going to provide you? Anyways....that just struck me weird. Maybe it's how she copes, I dunno.

But, I'm glad you are staying strong and taking care of yourself. Maybe she didn't think you would push for an answer...and things would just rock along, as before. Hang on. You are doing great! Thoughts and prayers are with you!!!

Blessings~

You're exactly right. She needs to think, and I didn't mean for it to mean anything else. Sometimes you just need to get away from it all to think things out and that's what she's doing. She did just call and say she'll be home soon, so I'll hopefully find out soon.

Basically, she said she's not 100% sure that she wants to go ahead and work on things, but we aren't ruled out. She doesn't think we make a good couple (personality differences, etc.).

I don't agree, as something was there in order for us to marry. I basically told her that we got where we did because we didn't work on things after getting married.

She needs to know if she is ready to give 100%, but (in hindsight) 100% needs to be given in every marriage (whether or not there was history of affair) for it to be happy for both people.

Basically, she is now staying in the other room and she may be getting an apartment soon.

It's plan B time I suppose...

Hoping4best--

I can relate to much you have said.

It sounds too familar.

You mentioned to someone else, that you feel you are stronger. Do you really feel that?
I am hoping that I can too some day.

I'm hoping that this huge obstacle will make me a stronger person.

I also know what you mean when you say, about the marriage ending. It does say that adultery is grounds for divorce. After all, they broke the commandment.
But, then I get twisted around again when it says, we should forgive all things.

I think it comes down to your love for them, and are you willing to try to put it back together.

I can relate to your questions, and pain.
K.

H4B~ I've been looking in for an update from you. Hang in there, you are doing well. I know this must be hard. But it will be the best thing you've ever worked for, one way or the other. Plan A...it's for the Marriage, it's for her to remember why she loves you, BUT most important, it's for YOU, to better YOU!

If things move to plan B and she gets an apartment then it will protect you...and you can continue to work on YOU!

Take care.

Blessings

I know what all of you mean. All of these stories sound so familiar. It's like the same horror movie being played in each of our lives over and over again.

To be honest, I do feel much stronger. Here's why: I acknowledge that I wasn't the greatest husband before my wife told me she was unhappy (she wasn't the best wife, but there's no reason to play the blame game). When confronted with my shortcomings, I responded and gave my best effort to remedy what was going on. I cannot control my W's behavior no matter how badly I want to. She made the choice of an affair (involving a 3rd person was her mistake, not mine). We have no kids, so I'm not too worried about other lives being impacted. We're not dependent on each other financially, so I know I won't be worried about money through this. I now stand up for myself and say what's bothering me and not allow her to control me. I've learned not save my marriage at all costs, because it will come at the cost of self-esteem and dignity. I am strong because I will be able to look at the mirror 10 years from now, and say that I did my best to save the marriage.

I tried plan A for a few months and W even told me that we were going to work out back in May. What I see wrong with plan A is that usually the WS isn't seeing, hearing, or even acknowledging what the BS is doing to change their life for the better.

I'm hanging in there, and I will definitely be okay. Some day, I will make a lucky lady very happy. Hopefully, it will be my W (if she doesn't walk away without trying).

One other thing that I was going to add, but I got long-winded and forgot...

Before this happened, I was a person who would say that a marriage can overcome anything but an affair. When my W had an A, I was confronted with the forgiveness issue. In fact, in church this week, the pastor gave a sermon on this subject. Basically we are instructed to forgive "not 7, but 77 times". Basically, forgive as God forgives us. I felt convicted, because I questioned whether I am forgiving W and OM. However, the pastor added that we should not put ourselves in positions where we would be hurt.

In my mind, after going through this situation, I believe that forgiveness can come for ANYTHING. However, one thing people forget is that forgiveness usually comes with an expression of guilt and remorse. People cannot ask to be forgiven if they do not seek forgiveness. For example, if WS meets OP, comes home, confesses to BS, it is on BS's shoulders to choose to forgive. However, if this occurs repeatedly, no forgiveness needs to be given because there is no TRUE expression of remorse. This is where the part about not putting ourselves in position to be hurt is important. Forgiveness can be granted without an expression of remorse, but that is at the discretion of the wronged party.

I think that people who state that they would leave if the other person had an affair have not been affected personally by the situation.

H4B--

That is amazing that your church just had that sermon, because last week at our church, that was the exact same message, and the same scripture was read. I have read that many times, but it still hurts the same.

Prior to this message though, two weeks before, the message was about cheating spouses. I wondered what it felt like to be my H sitting there listening to that. I would think very uncomfortable.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Best of everything to you.
K.

It goes on and on. On Friday, she decided that she was going to find a place to stay on Saturday night. She is supposed to be coming back later today. She told me she needed more time to think about things.