I cannot believe I am here at this site and making this post. I am a 49 year "young" man who thought for the 26 years of his marriage he was the luckiest person in the world. Everything in my life was perfect. I have never had anything bad happen to me, or had to deal with loss in any way. However, in March of this year, my loving wife and mother of my two beautiful children told me she had had an affair with her boss for two years ending 15 years ago. I had no clue. Our children were 5 and 3 when it began. She says she ended the affair when she realized that whatever she was looking for, she needed to find at home. She professes to love me and says she has always been faithful but for those two years. She says it happened because she thought she was in love with him, but he turned out not to be what she thought he was. I suppose, given the problems others here have, I should feel fortunate. I don't. I am devastated. Everything I thought was so is not. The entire history of our marriage and life as I knew it has been re-written. I have gone back through old photo albums for those years, wondering how this could have been going on without me knowing. It is just so unreal. Never, in our 26 years of marriage have I been unfaithful to her. The enormity of what she did has overwhelmed me. The betrayal and the dishonesty hurt so badly. We have spent the last 5 months trying to come to grips with this, but seem now to be destroying one another. I am hurt and miserable, and at times I know I say things which must be hurtful to her, which in turn makes her miserable. We only find peace when I have heaped so much guilt on her that she is crushed, and I begin to feel compassion for her rather than pity for myself. This lasts a few days, and then I am back in pain again. It has become an endless cycle. She is beginning to lose hope that things will ever improve for me or us. I am lost and don't know how to deal with this. She believes I should seek counseling, but I tell her no one can convince me that what she did was okay and that I should just get over it. I expect that is what some will tell me, but I really need meaningful help to deal with this crushing disappointment. I just don't know how to put this behind me and move on. Despite the title of my post, I am thankful that she told me and lifted the awful burden of deceit she has carried for all these years. She will be better for having told me. The question now is whether I will ever be able to live with what I now know.

My heart goes out to you. It may seem trite, but if you love your wife and want your marriage, things will slowly get better. It took me a full 6 months after discovering my H's affair to finally start to "really" heal. Your wife is hurting now too so try to keep that in mind when you feel the need to say hurtful things to her. She didn't HAVE to tell you this, but obviously felt enough guilt and remorse to come clean. I hope all will work out in the end, but it will be work to recover from, and you will need a willingness to do so. Read all you can on this site, learn about affairs and why they happen so you will hopefully come to undertand the "why" of it.

God be with you

Lolipop

Hi,

There is an excellant book written by Dr. Harley, Surviving an Affair. You might get some insight.

I understand the feeling of pain and betrayal you are feeling.

What I am about to say is not to minimize what you are going through. It is to help you understand that you are luckier than most who find out that their spouse had an A. I know you don't feel lucky. There are some here who are dealling with ongoing A's, the WS, knows the BS knows and continues the A. Some have discontinued the A, but the BS still lives in misery with the WS being in fog or withdrawal and has not recommitted to the R.

At this point, you are in shock, and in some way greiving. This is not the time to make any snap decisions based upon pain and suffering.

The bright side, is you were M for 26 years, the A occured early in the M, so for the last 20 or so years she has been fully committed to you, so you have a good history together. This life was not built on lies, even though you may think so. It would have been built on lies if she stayed for the kids and claimed she did not love you; instead she ended the A because she realized just how good she had it at home with you and your children.

There are way to recover you M. I believe you want to, otherwise you would not be posting here looking for help.

Some other good books written by Dr. Harley is His needs/Her Needs, this could help you two build a better M, than you already have.

There are many out here who will be able to provide you with more or better insight than what I have. They have been in your shoes and their M's are either recovered or in recovery.

And, Welcome.

D2,

I have just a few moments tonight. So this will be brief. Go to the bookstore and get Surviving an Affair by Harley. Your feelings are normal, and 5 months isn't long. BUT you must stop taking it out on your W. I would strongly recommend that you consider counseling with one of the Harley's. They are not of the "just get over it" type of counseling. They address issues and deal with what you and W are dealing with.

I know it doesn't seem it right now, but you are lucky. One, she has told you, Two, she loves you. Three, it has been over for a long time. That doesn't make the hurt less, but it means that a lot of your marriage is not a lie.

There is so much more to say, but read here, read about needs, about Love busters, and the love bank. Some of this will apply and other things will simply make you think.

You can do this, but it takes time and patience. Everyone here realizes you hurt, and so does your W, but you need to stop and think about what YOUR goals are. Your life is better than you think right now, and this whole thing can be used to make the marriage better. It will not be the same, but there are things about your marriage that you need to consider.

So get the book, read here, and try not to hurt your W more. She has done a brave thing, and in the long run you will be happy at her honesty.

God Bless,

JL

Hi,

I just wanted to stop by for just a minute. I can post more tomorrow. Reading my signature line you can see I am in a similar situation that you find yourself in since my husband recently told me about his affair that ended 4 years ago. There are some blessings with my situation; but there are losses/grieving that are unlike other's situations.

I understand how you feel; and it helps to have the wonderful MBers here for support. You are not alone! CSue

How would you feel if tomorrow your W died?

I'm willing to bet that with all the pain that her revelation of her A caused you, that you would be devastated from her passing.

Nobody knows when the time of our demise will arrive, and so doesn't it make sense to try to make the best use of the time we have left?

You and your W need counseling ASAP in order to conquer the demons that are torturing you.

Even if you were to divorce your W tomorrow, the demons will follow you and make your remaining years miserable and lonely.

So please, consider counseling for both your sakes.

Good luck and God bless.

Thank you, each of you, who responded so quickly. I was really down and out last night when I posted my message. It is so encouraging to have been able to "talk" to someone else and get real feedback from people who have been there or who, unlike me, can be objective. It gives me hope. Please don't stop. Thanks!

Devastatedtoo:

I know too well the pain you are feeling and the feeling of being stuck there and the feeling that you are destroying each other with the continued conflict. But you can get out of the cycle you are in and survive and even have a stronger marriage for it. My situation is different, but I, too, am dealing with an A that ended long ago and lived fairly happily in a M where my H kept a dark secret of a continued A for many years.

It’s all relative, I know, and this is not meant to diminish your pain in any way, but I agree with "Sue with hope" and others that there are several aspects of your situation that make you luckier than some. In my view, one big one is the fact that your wife felt a great amount of guilt and finally decided to tell you the truth, rather than take the secret to her grave or risk you discovering it on your own (as I did). I would guess that she is more than willing to support you through this too (many WS's are not). And I suspect from what you wrote that you and your W are pretty good at meeting each other’s EN’s, not perfect of course, but have managed to keep your Love Banks in the positive for all of these years. It may be a shock to discover that your M wasn't as "perfect" as you believed and that you weren't meeting all of your wife's needs, but the truth feels so much better. Because you have been in a relatively good M, you will be able to function well again, and more easily than a couple with a less stable, unhappy M.

The advice you have received here is sound. Both you and your W should read SAA—it will help you understand why the A happened and give you some direction to get out of the painful, hurtful cycle you are in. Also read His Needs/Her Needs, also excellent. The most important thing I learned is that in order to heal together, you both have to take an active part in the process, and that it is a balanced process, not one where there a one victim and one bad guy who must pay penance.

If you and your W are like my H and me, you will probably find that even though you have done a pretty good job of meeting each other’s EN’s, there are several areas in which you both could improve. You will probably find, too, that you are LB’ing when you discuss the A in ways in which you are not even aware. My H and I have been able to break the cycle of hurting each other by learning to identify those LB’s and discuss the problems with more respect and caring. And we both have gotten pleasure from making and getting Love Bank deposits.

When I first came here I felt so incredibly betrayed and hurt. I did not see how I could ever trust my H again and felt that our M, for the almost 20 years he had harbored a secret, had been a sham. I felt pretty hopeless that things could get better for us. But many wonderful people here have helped put things into perspective for me and now I am hopeful that not only will we survive, but that our M will be even better for it.

Good luck to you. Keep posting here, read the Harley books (and others recommended here), and share everything with your W. Recovery will not be easy and will take time, but you will make it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Sorry this is so long. Someone else once mentioned that they were incapable of making a short post--I can't do it either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

Go to In Recovery and read "if you never read another post" by LaurieC. I think it perfectly applies to your situation.

that said, your feelings of devastation are natural and healing will take time. why did your wife tell you this? focus on your relationship with her, get the harley books. Take this as an opportunity to make your marriage better. Treat this as your wife taking a first step towards honesty.

Remember this affair is in the past. It is over. Your wife may have needed to clear her conscience. hopefully she is remorseful and is apologizing.

Devastatedtoo,

How's it going? Like you, my wife waited 10 years before telling me about several affairs that she'd had when we were first married... so I know the pain and anger that you are going through right now.

Get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and ask your wife to work through it with you...

Semper Fi,
RIF90