I received this email from a friend when my husband was cheating. At first it really P***ed me off, this wasn't my fault, but after I read it and thought about it, I realized how right it was. It helped me, maybe it can help one of you.<P>>>One common cause of estrangement between men and women which is particularly<BR>important because it is almost always misunderstood, it simply a woman<BR>neglecting to build up her husband or lover, most likely because she<BR>mistakenly assumes that he does not need this encouragement. Thus, what<BR>happens is that she takes little notice of those qualities and virtues he<BR>treasures in himself, though he seldom alludes to them. His skill as a<BR>conversationalist is seldom remarked upon; she rarely recognizes the way he<BR>has with children, which others never fail to note; his natural superiority<BR>over colleagues, including those who have risen faster than he, tends to go<BR>unmentioned; his aplomb and presence before an audience, which has always<BR>been a source of gratification to him, is taken for granted; and above all,<BR>his sexual prowess, to which his thoughts turn many times in the course of a<BR>day, receives no attention or comment from her, even in moments of passion<BR>when he would expect her to be quite overwhelmed by it. He is, in other<BR>words, taken for granted; and while he has not the slightest reason to doubt<BR>that she really does see him as he sees himself, namely, as a man who has<BR>every reason to take pride in his powers, he is reduced to asking her in<BR>order to receive the assurances he so desperately craves. A man in such<BR>circumstances doubtlessly has no ground for complaint, and when he feels<BR>ignored he is probably capable of seeing for himself just how childish his<BR>expectations are. Nevertheless, there they are and they are in fact unmet.<BR>Now we need only to imagine the impact upon him if, after perhaps years of<BR>unfulfilled expectations, there suddenly appears on the scene another woman.<BR>She is impressed by him, and makes known to him, in many unspoken ways, that<BR>she delights in his company. He is made aware of the fact that the qualities<BR>he considers so dear to himself, namely, just about all of the qualities he<BR>has, are seen by her as well to be not only admirable, but unique. This man<BR>will experience an almost compulsive desire to be with this woman-often and<BR>alone- no matter how obviously foolish it may appear, and no matter what the<BR>apparent consequences might be to things in his life that he greatly values:<BR>his family, his work, and perhaps even his reputation and standing in the<BR>eyes of persons whose opinion he greatly values. Needless to say, the<BR>consequences are apt to be serious. What often and most typically happens<BR>next is a total distortion of everything in the minds of both husband and<BR>wife, distortions that only fuel the discord and soon render hopeless any<BR>salvation whatever. He, for example begins for the first time to speak of<BR>their "incompatability," as though this had some clear meaning to him; and<BR>then, surveying the disintegration settling in around him, he lapses into<BR>self pity, weeping sometimes when alone, and perhaps sometimes when not<BR>alone. From a hidden motive, which is his own sense of guilt, he frequently<BR>declares his devotion to his wife-a devotion which he finds coldly<BR>unappreciated by her. What he does, in short, is just about everything that<BR>is stupid and inept, and he thinks about everything except the simple truth<BR>that might possibly help put things back together. What a man thus seeks is<BR>not so much pleasure, but to be pleased with himself. He finds almost no<BR>price too high to pay for this. <BR>

No it doesn't help me. You see I happen to think it is a two way street. What about the times you do support and give and compliment and everything else to get no response. we are humans and after awhile you quit doing things like this. No it takes two to cause problems and it take two to rebuild. Yes, we maynot meet the needs of our spouses, but they are not meeting the our need eithers. Who is to blame, no one everyone. Marriage is a partnership based on communication and when there is a problem with communication the problems start to happen. If one feels that they are not getting the response they need then it is their responsibility to say so. I know that now. This article puts the blame on the wife and it aint so. Sorry I don't agree with you on this.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I am sorry if this post offends you. That was not my intent. It was simply an article based on the man's point of view. No, I do not totally agree with it. But what I found was that, I already knew my point of view, I knew that my needs were not completely being met, and I had communicated and expressed that to my H. However, he did not have the tools or even the understanding to express his needs to me. This helped me to understand his side of things better. His OW was like an addiction, and even he did not understand why, when I shared pieces of this with him and responded to these lacking needs the response was strongly positive.<P>Again I am sorry this came across the way it did, I hope you can understand my point in posting this now. Take care.

Although I don't agree, I understand. Thanks for posting this article.

I am the betrayed, I am a male...<P>I believe in this article with every ounce of my being. It is simply how we as men are.<BR>Yes, I wasn't meeting some of my wife's needs and I am well aware of that. But I was withdrawing from her because my needs weren't being met either. But as far as this article goes, that if you really want to get down to the basic feelings of a male, these would be it.<P>I have been told so many times now that women can't stand weak, needy men and that is what I had become. Having to ask if I was doing this or that right. Did I look ok? Am I a good lover? Do you like being around me? When you have to get reassurance for yourself by having to ask it seems baseless. Like it or not, this is the WAY WE ARE!! Remember, men love to feel needed to.<P>Thanks for the article...

Slyone I am not upset with you but the author of this article. Because this is not a male need it is a human need. It goes both ways. And that is where a lot of our problems are in society. Don't get me started on that one. <P>We all do wrong in not meet each other needs. I guess I am upset because I was told I didn't meet h's needs, you know after awhile you give up trying when you aren't making a dent. <P>Broken, yes society says that women don't want "weak men" but what womwn want are men that show that hey care that is not weak. This article says that the woman doesn't meet the man's need but if you don't get a response you quit. So Here it is the male thinks it isn't cool to let the wife know how he feels but he expect the wife to know what he needs. That is where the true problem lies not communicating with one another how else will you get the needs of anyone met if you don't know. So maybe the wife doesn't meet these needs how is she to know if she isn't told and it goes the other way too, the husband can't meet the wife's needs if he isn't told. Sorry for my soapbox but it just hit me the wrong way this morning. I guess the problem is that I worked hard at trying to meet my H's need for a very long time but I wasn't getting through to him I guess because of his low selfesteem. But let some one like his OW is is the low end of life tell him the same things I told him and she is great AAAAA. See what I mean. Sorry like I said Slyone not upset with you just everyone else <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I agree almost entirely and believe me, I have been thinking about every facet of affairs for just about a year now.<P>I don't agree that a women is responsible for the actual infidelity. Clearly when a partner chooses to betray his/her marriage the action that is taken is under there control alone. In most cases the vunerability for the affair is 50/50. That is what a partner can control or at least influence. And isn't nice to feel empowered rather than powerless?<P>The bible even addresses this in that it calls a man to love his wife and a woman to respect her H. Of course a H love should contain respect, but usually when a woman feels "loved" she feels that she is a priority, that she is cared for, that her H desires her attractive and has affection for her. His love makes her feel "safe" in the relationship. God even tells a man to care for his wife like he would for his own body and lets it be known if his relationship with his wife is not pleasing, his prayers will not be heart. Pretty strong stuff.<P>A man needs, craves respect. As described in the origional post. Therefore the biblical command for wives to respect their H.<P>Can a wife respect her H or a H love his wife even when their own needs are not being met. It takes some will power, but yes, this can be done. It is empowering that we can do things to improve our relationship without the initial cooperation of our partner. Of course when one changes within a relationship, it has an impact on the spouse. Whether or not your spouse actually changes, the relationship (think of it as a dance you do together) changes, so even one can have a great impact.<P>The origional post's theory is not foolproof, however. I can honestly say I have plan A'd just about everyone my whole life. I honestly praised, supported and respected H. I didn't nag and rarely asked him to do anything. I think he took me for granted and the praise for granted. My mistake was not seeing his somewhat dimished sex drive as a problem that needed addressing. I thought our young kids, our active lifestyle, our varied schedule and his huge need for sleep without interuption was just a season of our life. If he would have said he was not satified or if he had reached out to me, I would have gladly worked with him on this. He didn't....and that's part of his 50%. He also listened to a friend who (I know this to be true and now so does H) exaggerated his own sex life and this I think really planted the seed of dissatisfaction and entitlement, so when some brazen hussy kissed him in a bar, he was off to the races. That was the balance of his 50%. My 50% was to not to recognize that what I thought was a natural diminished sexual drive was actually a signal of mild depression and a cry to have is sexuality validated. Instead of just going with the flow, I should have understood the heart of a man and pulled out all the stops to validate him myself.<P>So I respected him in all other areas and dropped the ball temporarily in one and blamo. The bad decisions he made were his own and he is 100% for the action he took, but I am 50% responsible for his vunerability.<P>The more we understand the heart of our spouse and their unique needs, the better chance we have to succeed and thrive in our relationships.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Well, here is one betrayed female who would like to thank you for posting that article, slyone. I thought it was a refreshingly concise look into the male ego-- at least, the ego of men who are self-involved rather than "self-evolved" (which is to say, ALL cheaters). <P>Unfortunately, knowing the cause of behavior and effecting change are two different things. Perhaps this article will inspire my mate to think more about the ways he can grow internally rather than continuing weak, selfish attachments to external forces in order to validate himself. For my part, I have to accept that I am in love with a child and hope that one day he will become the man I thought he actually was.

Thanks for your post. As a BETRAYED man, I can relate. I did all of the things I was asked of in my marriage, I gave all. What I received was almost nothing. I have journeyed through this for a year. Long talks, confessions; what I have discovered is that, I too was in love with a child. What I got in return was a temper tantrum (in the form of an affair) designed to motivate me to give my W what she wanted; A life with no rules. Happiness, I am told, is all she ever asked for. Unfortunately, she was asking the wrong person. You need to ask yourself, hapiness comes from within. It comes from within, I believed it before and despite all I have been through, I STILL do. Much has been destroyed in this, but not my belief in myself or people whom deserve it. It is still this way, BUT, I have rules. I call them values. <P>Eric32