Hi I am new to this site. I am not the best at the computer but I do have a question. I have been married for five years but have known my h for 11 years. We have 3 children. I found out in December 2001 that he had been having an EA and PA since May 2001. I had found out in November 2001 that I was expecting our 3rd child. The OW had ended the affair after she found out that I was pregnant. He started talking to her again in April of 2002 and thought he might leave me in July 2002 after I had our baby. The OW was murdered in May of 2002. We have decided to try and work our marriage out and see how things go. We had been going to counseling. Which did not work out well for me. My biggest question right now is: My h has 2 pictures of the OW and the program from her funeral; Do I make him get rid of them? He has them in a suitcase that he had taken with him after I asked him to leave for awhile. I am not sure what to do. Do I tell him to get rid of them or do I just get rid of them? I need help and am not sure how to deal with this issue. I tried to fill out the general info and could not get it to come up. Any tips on how to do this. Thank you

Hi and welcome to MB,

You are in a difficult situation with the A, baby and OW being M'd. I am sorry for this situation. As for your H keeping memories of the OW, well he is going to have to get rid of it because if you do, then he can forever blame you for taking his memory away. When he discards it, it will be his choice.

Do you have a counselor? The OW being murdered, was she a dangerous person? This is an unusual situation. Sometimes the memory of the OW creates an EA. Speaking with a competent MC or IC can help. If you can counsel with Steve or Jennifer, they maybe able to help also. Phone counseling is available from them.

Please read the concepts section here. Try and take the emotional needs questionnaire. If you can't seem to pull a copy of it off. Try another computer or go the library and print from their computer.

Hope it helps.

L.

Orchid,

Thank you for responding back. I have been wrestling with this decision. You are right, I have to let him get rid of it when he is ready. It is so hurtful that he has it. The OW was murdered by a man whom she supposedly had nothing to do with. Supposedly, he had been stalking her. He went to her place and she was in bed with a 19 year old. He shot both of them and then killed himself. I keep thinking my h will figure out what kind of person she really was. His a ended with her in December of 2001 but he was talking to her again in April of 2002. She was 24 and seeing this 19 year old. My h is 31. When asked why she was sleeping with a 19 year old if he was going to leave me in July. He told me that they had an understanding because she was not sure that he was going to leave me.

We were going to counseling but that did not work out very well for me. The counseler acted like everything that occured was my fault and I needed to change my ways. I know that I had a part in my husband looking for someone else. Reading Surving An Affair has really helped and we plan on taking the emotional needs questionnaire. Telephone counseling may not be such a bad idea.

I don't know how anyone gets the trust back. It helped reading the book. We both know it is going to take alot of work. So far, he seems he wants to work on our marriage. I guess it helps that the ow is out of our lives.

Hi Claydm,

Wow, you certainly have both been through a lot. The OW doesn't sound like one who cared where her values resided. She lost her life because of her actions. That should be a wake up call in itself.

Your H is fortunate to have you still willing to be there for him. Get a counselor that is familar with MB or stick with STeve or Jennifer.

A counselor who puts all the blame on you is not doing his job. There is no such thing as a faultless WS (some just think they are).

Glad the info helped. STeve will ask if you will take the EN questionnaire so you have a head start. Read the book his needs/her needs, might be an eye opener.

take care,
L.

claydm - you've gotten good advice from Orchid.

Allow me to focus on one aspect - you.

Hopefully, you sincerely realize that you share responsibility for creating the environment that led to his affair. Can you describe to us the results of your introspection? Can you describe the improvements you've made? Have you demonstrated these improvements to your H?

Don't get me wrong - I'm not suggesting that you are responsible for his decisions, but BSs on average probably share exactly half the responsibility for most of the bad marriage situation that fostered the affair environment. Two people, 50/50, half and half, this HAS to be true on average.

So, tough love here for you: Fess up and let us help you.

Orchid and worthatry,

Thank you for responding back. When I first found out that h was having an a, we discussed our problems and what led the a. I realize there are alot of things that I had been doing wrong. His complaints are that I treat him like I am his mother. He has been going to school off and on for 11 years and is now almost done with his master's degree. The problems started mainly 3 years ago for him he says. We had our second child who took alot of work. I was angry at times because I was the main bread winner and I did not get to spend much time with my kids. I think it started there also. I did not get alot of sleep and trying to work. I became angry about alot of issues. My biggest problem was that he got to do what he wanted and I did not feel appreciated. I became more distant and angry with him. He states that he was gong to school to try and give us a better life and so I could stay home with the kids. I felt like it was taking to long and that we were never going to get there. I became so frustrated with not getting there as fast as I wanted to.

I also am a big worrier when it comes to financial matters. He has a hard time with this. I always paid the bills and he never seem interested in our financial affairs. I became frustrated with this because they were not going well at that time. He states just because I don't write out the checks does not mean I am not interested. I understand that also.

He also complains that I make him feel like a child and that he feels I am his mother at times. I don't understand this because I feel like what I am doing is trying to help him get through school and doing things for him. I felt this was just a part of our marriage and showing him that I cared.

I do know that I have tried not to be like my mom and dad so much that I went to the extreme. My father had several affairs on my mother before she finally left him after 16 years. Father was not good with financial matters and that is why I am such a fanatic about it. I do need to learn to chill out and realize that things are working out okay. Also, did not want to be like mother. Mother took so much from my dad that I did not want to be like and that. I distanced myself away from h so that I would never take that. Now look where I have helped get myself. I guess it hurts so much because my h knew how I felt about infidelity due to what my father had done and how it had destroyed the family.

I know that I have done alot of things wrong and I am very willing to change them. My h and I have discussed these and he knows that I am willing to take my blame for what I have helped create. I am willing to change and work on all these things to keep our marriage together. We always do bills together now. We have always had the same interests before I never thoughthe would want me to go. Weare doing these things together more. Also after reading the book, I realized that we were spending hardly any time for just us. I thank god for my mother every day, she has been so helpful and will watch our kids any time that we need her too. This has helped. We need to sit down though and take the EN questionnaire and I think this will help alot. I think that we both need more counseling and I think that I need it alos to help me get through this. The reason we started into counseling was because I was suicidal and depressed. Not only finding out about the affair but we also had 2 positive downs syndrome test on our third child while I was pregnant. The one counselor helped alot. The other counseler that we were switched to was not helping at all. I asked to switch back but was told that he only did intakes and counseled for so long and then were switched over. I live in a small rural area and there is not much to choose from especially family and marriage counselors. Most of them do all types of counseling. I think the telephone counseling would help alot especially from someone who deals with these issues all the time.

Thanks for listening.

Hello claydm,

It looks like you are ready find out about your self and H and start changing your life. I came here in January and have been changing mine since then. It seems there is a lot to learn and I commend you for wanting to learn it. From my own struggles I will make a few observations.

1. WAT and Orchid are really good help, pay attention to what they say.

2. We can't change our spouse, we can only change ourselves and hope they react favorably to those changes. ( But if they don't , you have not lost out, you still own those changes they will benefit you for life.)

3. Read all you can on the main part of this site and get the Books "His needs, Her needs" and "Surviving and Affair." and read them. I also recommend "Love Busters". You can sometimes find them at local libraries and bookstores. If not you can order them from this site.
I have gotten much help from reading them, I am currently reading ( again) "Love Buster".
If you don't know what the problems are, you can't fix them, so study and read.

4. Get counseling. Someone else can see things that you can't see. WS's usually listen better to a counselor than to us.

5. Pray. This one has been more help to me than all the others. I have found that there really is someone there listening and they have the power to help.

6. Take what you learn and do something with it. Make a plan, do something daily.

I believe I will be working on this stuff all my life. I "see" something new each week that makes it possible to improve even more. My wife is responding, we are in love again, we are happy, very , very happy. Life is good at our house.

7. Don't give up. You will have really bad days, but good always comes again.

claydm, welcome to a wonderful journey where you really CAN change your life. It is hard but rewarding. Things really can be better. After you get a good background, ask specific questions here and we will help all we can. See you around.

SS

still seeking,

Thanks for your words of wisdom and all of your advice. All of you have been very helpful. It is a very tough road. Like you said there are good days and there are bad. I read a post on here that talked about when the bh had sex with his w he had "movies" in his head of what she did with the other man. I feel the same way at times. I think about the a he had every day. Some days more than others. I don't know how people get through this. I met him the other day at school. He is going to college to get his master's degree. I kept thinking did he meet her in the same places he meets me. I get so down and depressed. If I didn't have my children to keep me going I am not sure what I would do. Not to awful long ago, I had had it with him. I told him to pack his things and get out. He cried and told me he didn't want to leave. He says he knows that he has made a huge mistake and that he loves me. Sometimes, I am not sure. I feel like the only reason he is around is because I am the reason he can go to school and finish his degree.

I don't know how to get over these thoughts and anger. I know it will take time. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do when the thoughts of the A get in the way of trying to recover????? NEED LOTS OF HELP!!!