Pretty over the top heading but, thats how I feel, I have lost complete will to do anything. I never knew that one man could be so hurtful and deciteful. Those who have read my previous post "My H wants 3sum w/OW" knows that my H has been "friends" with this girl for a few months. The story goes like this, I am from the U.K and he is from here, I was home for about 3/4 mths while he sorted his head out due to previous marriage and so on. In this time we was engaged. Now, I had a misscarriage while I was home, I was only 6wks but I was devestated, I wanted to be with Nick so much I begged him to let me come over. Anyway, a few weeks later he got drunk at a party and slept with a work collegue. This he told to me when I came over June 5th, I decided that I still wanted to marry him and thought that I could handle it. However since that time he has seen her a few times, taken her out to movies and pretty much done things with her that I wanted him to do with me. Some of you might say I'm stupid to stay with him even at this point, believe me it gets worse.

A few days ago he decided he still wanted a 3some and this "Friend" was the only person that he trusted with "his stuff". He wanted to do the full on 3some, being intimate with me and her. As said in my post, I humoured him and pretended that I was interested in a attempt to get more information out of him. And last night I did exactly that. I said that things wouldn't bother me if he told me, I knew that they would have bothered me but knew he wouldn't open up to me otherwise. He sadi that he "spared my feelings on a few details" and I said I needed to know everything. It turns out the drunken episode was the first night that they had slept together, after this H already thought that he had lost me and continued sleeping with her. Now, I could almost have forgiven him for the drunken one, because people aren't totally in control of what they do, but these other times, I can't because he knew what he was doing. He said he slept over at hers, both had oral sex and full sex, made out etc, but the thing that I can't get a grip of, is the fact that he did it in OUR bed. I went totally nuts when he told me all these things, his main excuse "You wasn't here and I wasn't sure about us". B*****t. Now last night, apologies Dr.Harley, but I was the queen of LBing. I called her and him every name under the sun and came out with words I never thought I knew and would make my Gran turn in her grave, (bless her)I didn't care and after 2 mths of marriage I told him it was over and was going home. Sorry this is so long by the way! He begs me to stay and tells me he'll do anything to make me stay even cutting all ties with her, which was something he never would do before. He said he thought he lost me already and the other times meant nothing. Now I am an old fashioned girl and believe that if there aren't any feelings, why the h*ll would yo want to be like that with someone. He proceeded to tell me in more words, but i'll use my own that she was crap, she wasn't "as good" as me and was s**t. Which begs the question "Why the hell would you want to be with her for then??????????" Now he is willing to go to councilling and do everything for me. We even put an offer down on a house yesterday, before all this happened, which was accepted this morning. So now we have a house. Plus he had a porn problem and said he doesn't want to look at that anymore and wants me to help him get over his "addiction". He sadi he wants to be with me instead whereas a few days ago it was "I need my private time and I look at this because you are my boss and supervisor and I don't feel attracted to you in that way" Now we have a 360 degree turn about. Talk about confused.

I couldn't even sleep in my own bed because I thought of her and him everytime I closed my eyes, I can't look at him without feeling sick. He has totally crushed my world, but love him still (WHY???) and hate him immensly for what he did. He still wants me to meet her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and he wants to prove to me that they are only friends, but I want ties cut, but still am meeting her thursday because I want to see this sl*t and tell her what think of her. I know I should leave but I love this man so much and i'm totally confused. I have a history of self harm and can feel the urge just to get a release. I'm sorry if I sound like a freak. I don't want to leave him. Please someone help me, I know how stupid i am for staying so don't want to hear that! I just am so depressed and want to let all this anger out. He said he doesn't see why it made me feel like this because I knew about the first drunk time, but that I could get over, not the other times. I told him that I would never have married him if he had told me the whole truth, and this he said is why he didn't tell me the whole truth, he said he wanted me so much he didn't tell me the rest. Which, I think is pretty much crap, because he didn't even give me a choice to decide. I need help I really do. I know there are people worse off that me, but this last 3 mths have been so bad and I just want to feel nothing. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ August 30, 2002, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: Girl with rage ]</small>

Girl,
There is not much we can say to make things better for you right now, but we do care.

Please don't do anything or make decisions while you feel so bad. Continue to read and study ( and learn not to LB.) Really what DR Harley is saying is that it is more likely for him to want to be with you if you are nice to him than if you are angry and mean.

However, it looks like the big blow up has had some effect on him. Review with him what needs to happen for you to stay. Get that counseler and go after it. Continue to study and learn. You are tougher than you think, you can ride this out if you wish to.

Figure out what you need to do next, the rage won't last forever. We are here to support you in what you deciede to do, not make your mind up for you. Keep us updated and we will try and help.

I do caution you against meeting her, often it is not helpful ( because if you verbally attack her, he will feel he needs to defend her.) If he defends her, you will get even more angry and it will do even more damage to your relationship. And I agree that he should not meet with her or talk to her, that should be a condition of you staying - no contact of any kind.

Friday and weekends are often slow, if you don't get a lot of replies, just wait. Holiday weekends are especially slow in getting replies. Don't give up.

SS

<small>[ August 30, 2002, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thankyou, I haven't stopped crying since i posted, I feel so weak and stupid for staying but, I don't know what to do. I've taken my rings off and I think this has frightend him somewhat, I don't know about meeting her, part of me wants her out of our lives altogether but the other part is curious to see what she looks like and that sort of thing. It just hurts so bad and i've been so nice to him these last few days, but I couldn't hold things in anymore. I really think I'm gonna have to have some kind of anti depressants, I was on them before and came off them, but the thoughts going through my head are scaring me. Even my H knows that this has gone too far and say's to me "please don't hurt yourself". I just don't know what to do I really don't. I'm so tired aswell, had 3 hours sleep but won't walk into the bedroom or even slepp on the bed because they were on it together. My H has even said he'd buy us a new bed. Would you happen to know of any good councillors or web sites? I am in the seattle area, Bellingham to be exact and not sure if they are expensive and just don't really know what to do or expect. Thankyou for replying.

Girl,
hang in there. SS had some really good advice. Definatley see a counselor. I was so afraid about the money aspect of seeing a counselor, I went to my Dr. last week for severe depression and he recommended a counselor, so I called my insurance and they will cover it, I was so happy. So please check with your insurance. This site can help you gain the strength you need and realize you are not alone. So many people are going thru what you are. Today is the first time I have posted, but for the past few weeks I have been reading posts and gaining so much info and it has mmade me stronger and more at peace. I too am in the deepest depression and scared, but I know I have to be strong and take care of myself to make it thru this. Take care of yourself.
I am praying for you both.

I need a hug

Girl with Rage,

You need more than a hug. But, I would start with a new bed. Seriously, there are sales on for the holiday, tell him you need a new bed, the one you are in has been inappropriately used. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am serious. I am leaving as are most of the others for the weekend, so take care of yourself this weekend and do consider the meds.

God Bless,

JL

sweetheart, do get help. Most of us BS who have gone through this hell do end up on anti depressants- and if you have a history of depression/self harm you especially need medication. Definitely get anti Ds and support/couselling.

Take a deep breath, figure out what you can do for you. You need to baby yourself right now- you are entitled.

Think carefully about whether you want to continue in a marriage with a man who has betrayed you so soon and who has a porn addiction. You say you have a history of self harm- is picking this man a continuation of this tendency? Are you hooked into him because he will hurt you and deep down you don't believe you deserve anything better?

What is the point of meeting OW? He needs to end all contact with her, not drag you into it.

Hi,

I am sorry you have to deal with all this so close in time to the loss of your child. But getting a new bed is a start, taking the emotional ends questionnaire together or even by yourself is helpful. Getting with a good MC or even phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer would be good.

Let your GYN know about what is going on. Your hormones may also be affected especially if this is your first miscarriage. I had 2 miscarriages both during the A (1 before d/d and 1 after). Both were yucky but for different reasons. I know about your feelings (worthlessness)because I went there also. Ask your H what he is willing to do to help you. Measure his worth by his response and actions.

Let us know how you are doing.

take care,
L.