My wife informed me four weeks ago that she had met someone on a weekend visit to her Moms.This guy was recently divorced by hiswife and was waiting by the phone for her to call. My wife has known this guy for years, tho not very well.In addition, she always thought he was a "pig".

She has been driving two and half hours for week end stayovers with this guy where they drink heavily and party quite a bit . I know because she told me.She has had a drinking prpoblem for years.
She comes back after her weekend stays during which we try to be cordial..She claims to care for this guy, but was seeing him 2 weeks when she was overwhelmed by these feelings for him. We have two children and my oldest son (13) is thoroougly disgusted with her actions. It is painful for him..My youngest(6) occaisionally asks where Mom is and when is she coming home. I refuse to let her take them into this situation . This is he rthird affair, ad one was with a woman.She has refused counseling and comes from a broken home herself. Inthe past she was a terrific Mother and wife. But now she seems to be in a "fog" or dreamland. I know that her thoughts are about her new lover. But occaisionally, she seems to be more normal than others.
She even hugged me and was kissing me profusely before she left for hr week end there. That of course totally confused me. She says she loves me,but she also asks why I would want he back after what she has done and is doing. My repky of course is that I love you. And we have been married 15 years, during which time there have been many hapy moments.
Lest you think she is all at fault, I must tell you she is not. I have violated virtually every rule that Dr. Harley says must be performe to maintain a healthy marriage with the exception of abuse or infidelity. I miss her terribly, but I wonder if the marriage is just too far gone?

<small>[ August 30, 2002, 08:27 PM: Message edited by: Gregg M. ]</small>

sorry for your pain.
try reading the harley books and familiarize yourself with their ideas. start working on yourself first (plan A).

Your W has some very serious issues (broken home, alcoholism, infidelity) that she has refused to deal in a constructive fashion. You CAN'T FORCE her to change for the better, that is her decision to make.YOU ARE NOT RESPONSABLE FOR HER CHOICES but YOU DO HAVE CHOICES, such as whether you want to continue to live with a person that does not want to acknowledge the damage that she is not only doing to herself but to her family as well. OR whether you realize that the present situation is very unhealthy for you and your children and you need to let her go and move on with your lives and not be there to continue to witness her self destruction.

I would suggest that you seek counseling for yourself and especially for your children because her actions have already affected your oldest son and have caused great emotional damage. FORGET ABOUT HER ( reality check: she's going to do what she wants and there's nothing you can do to stop that)and concentrate on making your life and that of your childrens healthier than it has been by taking the necessary steps to take yourself and them away from this ordeal.

You have enabled her actions and thus YOU are also guilty of neglecting your children's wellbeing by accepting this situation which they have been witnesses to. So the damage that your children have suffered have also been in part because of YOUR inactions in this situation. YOU are not helping your children, yourself and least of all your W. Right now there is only one adult and that is you, so start acting like one.

If my words are painful or harsh to read, it is not because of lack of simpathy on my part but because I too was in a very similar situation just a few years ago, so I KNOW how you feel.

This forum is full of good, decent, and wise people who can really show you that you are not alone in your ordeal, and can help you stay focused and strong for not only yourself but for your family as well. You owe it to yourself and them to read their comments.

Espoir, TooMuchCoffeeMan,
First thank you for your support. I really do appreciate it.
And Coffee, I am not offended by your remarks. And I agree totally with what you said and have been thinking this for some time and have stated pretty much the same thing to my wife as far as her destructive behavior is concerned. So, I've begun the process to get her out of our lives. I have already put Plan A into effect, but am now going immediately to Plan B. AndI have sought counseling for the boys and me.

Thanks. I now owe something back. I intend to do just that.

<small>[ August 31, 2002, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: Gregg M. ]</small>

Hi GM, notice you posted on my thread and here to offer you support too, can you tell me about more about your situation?

I agree with TooMuchCoffeeMan, he provided valuable insights on my own problems. Sometimes it helps to just hear other people verify your gut instinct.

Distancing yourself from someone you care deeply for is very difficult, but I think it is really the only way that you can save yourself from pain.

When it's all said and done, the only ones you really need to answer to are the reflection in the mirror and God. If you have tried your best to help your marriage and your children, you will be comfortable with yourself, no matter how things turn out.

How are things going Gregg M?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooMuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>How are things going Gregg M?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooMuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>How are things going Gregg M?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well she has finally left on her on accord and is now living in Delaware. But she basically quit her job with no notice,lied to me about it. She claims she is now in love with her new love and he has changed her life and vice versa.
WE had a big argument over the phone about ignoring the kids,etc., etc.
So, we are in Phase II. And, we have hd no phone contact with her in four days.
I am glad that her destructive personality is not present. I am on Plan B.
We are on our own and will make the best of it.
I will keep you posted. The boys seem to be holding up well and I am watching them closely.
I really appreciate your concern and suppport.

Gregg M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Gregg M.:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooMuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>How are things going Gregg M?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well she has finally left on her on accord and is now living in Delaware. But she basically quit her job with no notice,lied to me about it. She claims she is now in love with her new love and he has changed her life and vice versa.
WE had a big argument over the phone about ignoring the kids,etc., etc.
So, we are in Phase II. And, we have hd no phone contact with her in four days.
I am glad that her destructive personality is not present. I am on Plan B.
We are on our own and will make the best of it.
I will keep you posted. The boys seem to be holding up well and I am watching them closely.
I really appreciate your concern and suppport.

Gregg M.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">