In my situation I cheated on my BF with a married man. Not only did OM state he was married he also stated his displeasure with his wife and the fact that he cheated before. Whatever his reason for cheating on her (whether legitimate or not) it is a reason. For all I know she could be a ruthless b*tch. But what I never looked at until now is how I was even MORE to blame for this than him. I willingly and knowingly engage in a relationship with a man I knew was married for the sole purpose of sex. Therefore, what I did was even more wrong than what he did. Looks at it this way…visualize a circle. Half being me and half being OM. Say his wife is ruthless and unkind, that will take an 1/8 of his half. And say also that she is not supplying him with sex, that a 1/4. This leaves only 1/8 of being down right wrong. But when you look at my half it is 100% wrong. I had no reason to engage in this other than to do something wrong.<P>I know am trying to accept the fact that what I did was even worse that the betrayal that he cause upon his wife and family because I had no reason to do it. A person can only take so much. I thought I was down before, but could always try to convince myself that deep down I was a good person, but good people don’t do the moral and ethically wrong thing that I have done. Now all I can do is try to accept myself for what I have done and how I have been so wrong and so selfish.<BR>

tornapart,<P>Please don't view your actions in this way. What happened was not good and asigning blame on such a linear scale is oversimplifying the matter. By the way, you left out the part where the MM broke his vows to his wife! You are responsible for the wrong you did to yourself and your boyfriend foremost. Taking responsibility is an important step for healing, but tearing yourself apart over this isn't. Do you still have a relationship with your boyfriend?

Good people still make mistakes, even morally and ethically wrong mistakes. What makes you a Good person is when you learn from those mistakes and correct your future behavior.<P>Look at your circle again. This time it is completely YOUR life. Take out that ONE night that you made a stupid mistake and you still have alot of other days of your life left that you were a good person. <P>God has forgiven you, now you need to forgive yourself. I am not saying you should completely forget what you did, because our mistakes are where we learn the most from. But forgive yourself and make yourself into a better person for it. THAT will make you a "Good Person"!<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

hi ta,<BR>sent you a motivator this morning. You have recognized your mistake, but no need to keep beating yourself over the head every waking moment. You are a fine person, with weaknesses like the rest of us. This can be overcome, and I know you are trying so very hard to find the peace you need. <BR>Ta is right-scaling things may make it easy for a few minutes, but overall it leaves out some very important issues-like emotions? Compartments are good-but only if you maintain the ability to move the sides.<BR>How are you doing physically? <BR>Will check in later-think I need to do some work to justify the pay check?!

Tornapart2,<P>NO, NO, NO,. Stop right there! Your thinking is flawed, because no matter what kind of a ruthless B*&^%h his wife was/is, or no matter how often she withheld sex, he was committed to her. In an ideal world, nobody has a legitimate reason to cheat on their spouse. If you're unhappy in your marriage, you get out! Don't you for a second think this guy had a right to do what he did. IMO, you're condoning his behavior. Also, as long as you are blaming yourself almost exclusively, you'll never heal. We all make mistakes, but don't put it all on yourself. You'll go crazy with shame and guilt. Accept your mistake and try to forgive yourself. Maybe you're just having a bad day, and want to punish yourself. But, this man had absolutely no right to cheat on his wife. Don't think for a second that her behavior condoned his infidelity. <P>I'm not saying that what you did was right. I abhor OW and their selfish decisions, but they owe me nothing. In this selfish society, people take what they can without regard to the consequences. That's much easier to accept from a stranger, than it is from someone who is committed to you and made lifelong vows to you. <P>Anyhow, don't beat yourself up over what you've done. I'm sure you would go back and change it if you could. Hindsight is always 20/20. If you want to feel guilty, then maybe that's a good thing. But, don't lessen this man's responsibility to his wife. He was wrong, no matter what a b*&^$h his wife was. No excuses!<P>I hope I didn't sound rude. That was not my intention at all! I just don't want you to beat yourself up over this. It's not entirely your fault. I hope you can see that soon!<P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller

tornapart2, I agree with what is being said, don't beat yourself up. Learn from your mistake, forgive yourself, turn from this distructive behavior, and move on.<BR>Also I wanted to shed a light on something no one else touched on yet. Don't believe everything that the betrayer says. Perhaps some are as honest as you and as deeply repentive of their behavior, but there are those betrayors that do lie to the OP to get what they want(sex, sympathy, ego, and whatever else goes along with cheating on spouse). My H is one of these. He lied to the OW and trashed me to her. He got plenty of sympathy (undeserved) from her and I'm sure would never want her to hear my side of the story. She would no doubt sympathize with me, not that I want her sympathy, I don't. Do not be gulible enough to believe the lies. If this is so true about his W then why is he still with her. What about counceling with her. What about the vows he made. On and on! I'm really glad you have seen the error of your way, but he was 100% guilty of his behavior too. Congrats on the discovery and God Bless you.<BR>Ginn

I understand how all of you are reading this, but I am NOT lessening what he did. He did something very wrong. What my point is, is that he had a reason (as f*ucked up as it might have been) he did have a reason. I had none. I blindly went into a relationship with a man I knew was married and would only have sex with me. I was only thinking of my self and no one else, with only one goal in mind. I have no excuses or reasons and that is what makes whta I did worse.

tornapart2,<P>Oh, you have your reasons, you just don't see what they are. Just because his reasons are more tangible, doesn't mean that yours don't exist. Only you know these reasons, so I shouldn't speculate, but they're there. Maybe it was the attention, affection, ego boost, etc. As I said, only you know. They're there, maybe you just need to dig deeper to find them. No one reason, or reasons, is any better than the other. We ALL have reasons for doing things, regardless of how obvious they are or aren't. Just because you don't think yours are important or justifiable, doesn't mean there are none. <P>Please stop being so hard on yourself. You aren't the judge on whether his reasons were better than yours. I think it's time that you start forgiving yourself. Placing blame isn't doing you any good. Learn from your mistake, so you can be a better person. Hanging on to this blame isn't healthy. <P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller<BR>

Dear Tornapart!<P>I haven't talked to you for a while - I've been gaddabouting the US for a bit, but I seem to be back now.... <P>Now. I am going to tell you some things you are not going to agree with, but I am telling you this in LOVE, okay?<P>You are living in the past. It has been quite a while since you made that mistake. Now he has made mistakes too. Who cares who was at fault? Does it change anything? Where did you learn that blaming was so important? Forget about the "why", and think about the future.<P>Why do you always want to find out why? What good does it do to know why you blew it, or why he blew it, or why OM blew it, or his wife, or whatever. <P>Why did the lawnmower kick up a rock and damage the siding on the back of my house? What does it matter? The only thing that matters is what you do in the future.<P>By living in the past, and calling up the who did what when and why - you are preventing yourself from going forward. You have a wonderful life ahead of you, and are much wiser. So what if you and he and she and they screwed up? <P>I work with the refugees, and have met some wonderful Gypsies. Gypsies to me before I knew them seemed so messed up. But I have learned sooooo much - I realize how foolish some things are that I used to believe. They have a saying that makes wonderful sense to me. It is survival. It is a coping mechanism. It is profound.<P>Don't look behind, or down at your feet. Look forward.<P>So, if you start blaming anyone, especially yourself - I'm going to softly bang you on the head with Butterfly's frying pan, okay?<P>Love ya,<BR>Connie

TA,<BR>I agree, you have to stop placing blame & look toward the future.<P>Tearing yourself apart about this will not accomplish anything good. It is a very distructive thing..... not only to you, but to your relationship. Acknowledge (which you have) that you made a mistake, learn from that mistake, and vow not to make the same mistake again. Move on. If you can't let it go, it could have devistating consiquences on your relationship and on you & your health (aside from the blow TnT will give you with my fryin' pan )<P>Believe me.... I know how hard it is to forgive yourself, but it makes things soooooo much better (easier, nicer, whatever).<P>My thoughts & prayers are with you,<BR>B<P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>

HI ta, you have reasons that this occurred in your life, you just have not found the reasons yet. It is a long journey sometimes.<BR>You can move forward without knowing the reasons behind the actions. Sure, it might be harder, but can be done. <BR>FHL and WS are reading and sharing a Forgiveness Workbook with the board. Are you following the thread? Just wondered because the priniciples could be applied to self forgiveness as well. We are often so much harder on ourselves than on others, or than is warranted. Maybe sometimes we need someone else to tell us we are being way too tough on ourselves? Sor of like perfectionism or at least high expectations? what'cha think ta?

I am my own worse enemy. I always have been. I finally told OH about the meds I had been on. I've been clean of them for over a month. he was shocked to say the least. He said to stop taking them. I said I already did. He sees me more and more "snap" for lack of a better word. I can only describe it as bordering on a nervous breakdown. It sucks.<P>We have been doing well, and it was about 6 weeks since anything bad had been said. But this was the topic the other night. And I have a real hard time swallowing this. Even now, it brings tears to my eyes. I don't like to talk about it so I'm going to stop.<P>Right now I'm just numb. I try to stop myself from thinking about bad things and try not to say something stupid (seems to be a habit). There are times that I feel that no matter what I do it isn't right. No way to live, I know. but for now it's what I've got.<BR> <P>------------------<BR>What does not kill you will only make you stronger.

Today's thought....<P>I have a hard time swallowing the fact that OH thinks what I did is worse that what his brother is doing. (Brother has been having an affair for 2 yrs. Is separated , but wife doesn't know about OW). I have a really hard time with this. Maybe I'm being too judgmental, but I always fee like he thinks less of me. I make mor emoney than most of his family, yet I'm the piece of sh*T. He never says that out right, but I feel those are the messages he's sending. When I get upset about this stuff all he says is "who am I with?" "who do I share my bed with every night?"<P>Am I over reacting? Or being too judgmental myself? Thinking that I am better than everyone else?<P>Let me know what you think?