Question for people on this board. My wife has had an EA for most of this year. Is the lack of sex between us any indication that her realionship was physical with OM? Or is the bond just so strong that it makes sex less fun?<P>She says that there was nothing physical. But at this point I can't trust a thing she says. Any experience or feedback from women who have had affairs or men whose wives had would help. Not sure the answers make a difference other then a reference point.

I have read in various books on infidelity, that the infidel often feels as if they are betraying the OP - therefore the lack of sex with the spouse. If this is indeed the reason for the lack of interest on her part, I wouldn't think it would necessarily indicate that her affair definitely is physical. She may still feel that it would be a betrayal of her emotional affair.

Nope, doesn't necessarily indicate anything physical going on. I am a betrayer, and although it was an EA, I am having a hard time with the sex issue. Even before this happened, when I am stressed it shows in my lack of desire. If for whatever reason I don't feel an emotional attachment to the act, I'd prefer to avoid it. I am struggling now with the fact that I am feeling somewhat emotionally detached from my marriage, and although I'm working on that, it definitely shows in the sex department. But I figure I'd rather not until my whole heart is in it. Don't think he'd want to make love to me when for me it would just be sex.

Mschif,<P>If you are out there I would like to see how you are dealing with things. I showed my wife some of the stuff you wrote on this board. Becasue she is in the almost exact sameplace. She can't get her feelings back at all. I would love your thoughts on what works from your husband and what doesn't?<P>Do you need space? Do you like to talk the EA and just have him listen? What can we do to get that connection back?

Zip - I hate to disagree with everyone else, but feel compelled to add my $.02 on one of my "favorite" topics. First, let repeat what I've said on other threads about emotional affairs. In the first place, I think the term "emotional affair" is largely a myth perpetuated by betrayers to let themselves off the hook, by minimizing what took place as being "just and emotional affair." My feeling is that in most cases, they're simply lying, as betrayers typically seem to feel compelled to do. In the second place, think about it. If it really is just an emotional affair, then assuming your partner has a normal sex drive and you're not filling that need, what is? I would think "even" an emotional affair would tend to make the betrayer hornier. Where's the action coming from?<P>I've got a cute little story in this regard. During one of my confrontations with my W when she continued to deny her affair, I pointed out that she wasn't getting much sex from me, and I know for a fact that she has a STRONG sex drive (probably stronger than mine, which is saying a lot - she once told me she thought she was addicted to sex). So what does she do? She starts waving her hand in the air and yelling, "Hell-O! Hell-O! See this? I masturbate!" Well, maybe, but I doubt that that's where she gets her real satisfaction. Plus I have solid evidence that her affair IS physical.<P>Anyway, I know that her affair has completely trashed OUR sex life and assume it's because the OM is filling her needs in that department, Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Zip - I saw your post and just had to reply. I am not in a possition to help others that are trying to recover from an affair because I am just in the beginning stages (just going thru the addiction part). My affair was an EA. You no doubt know and realize that men have different needs than women. When a women has an emotional affair - it can be so fulfilling and meaningful, even without sex. I know from experience because I am going thru this. Sex just didn't exist in my life (with my H or OM) because I was having all of needs being met thru affection, conversation, etc. Hense - the EA. The physical affection didn't even have to play a part in it. Talking about the intimacy with the OM was enough for me (the big 'M' thing played a big part as well). Sorry to be blunt there but it is a fact.<P>I have ended my affair and am trying to get thru the addiction. It has been over a month since it ended but sex with my H is still not like it was. It feels empty and thru rebuilding our marriage - I am hoping that it will all come back. <P>I have no idea if your W is telling you the truth but if you talk to her more about the affair - you might understand why sex didn't have to play any roll in it for her. From a women, let me say this - I would be truly and completely satisfied with my number one needs being met (and if I recall - sex wasn't number one). <P>Another thought: Untill reading 'His Needs, Her Needs', I had no idea that sex was so high on the list for men's needs. Does your W know this or understand it? It was hard to understand that my H's needs were not mine. Good book - may want to read it if you haven't already. <P>Hope I shed a little light. I can go on and on explaining things. It doens't make anything better because I still had the affair. I will look for more postings from you and try to reply. Your W's story sounds similar to mine.<P>Brynn <P>

Zip,<BR>Glad to find another H also vict of E.A.<BR>I discovered my W in an E.A. about 90+ days ago, early Sept. It broke off immediately. Sex was very good, from my point, unless W was not telling all??? We have done a complete 180 degrees, positive! We read his needs,her needs, & Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, highly suggest this one! Still have bumps alongs the way, had bad night last night. See we have personal contact with the OM several times a week! I feel if I had not been nosey and snooped in her email it would have gone sexual, my opinion,not my W's. Both are remorseful, OM had appoligized to me, and we (W & I ) have been in counsleing with our Pastor. (Christians) yes it even happens to us! amazing eh? <P>------------------<BR>jnvc<P>

Zip,<P>My H and I continued to have great sex during my EA. Even during his physical affair, we still were having even better sex - more intense for both of us - miss that...8 weeks and 4 days...not that I am counting <P>Wex,<P>I disagree that all betrayers lie about it not being physical. There are lots of liars in the world and they don't have to be betrayers. I guess some people lie and they are betrayers, but I was a betrayer in an EA and I did NOT ever have sexual physical contact with the other man!! Never even kissed him on the mouth!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>