Been married about 5 years and living with his parents. I try to get us are own home ; but everytime we mention this to his mother she flips out on me and him. This time I left thier house because of her hounding me , yelling at me. Not because of him but her. When I ask my husband to take me to work she said she can walk; and thats 30 miles away.SHE also threating him that if he goes with me or pick me up or have any contact she'll disown him and kick him out. She is very manipulative person that if she don't get her way she'll be mean and cruel and spiteful. HELP! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO. I love him and don't belive in dirvoice because I'm christian and God gave us to each other and thats God's gift to us. I been very patience with him and her about this issure. Now I'm hurting a lot from not able to see him or talk to him; she forbids, theres no restaied order agaist me but she'll call the poicle if I show up to see my husband.

Hmmmm...as I recall, once a man marries he separates himself from his mother and father and 'becomes one' with his wife. If you are a Christian then you already know of this teaching. Mentioning this to your H wouldn't hurt either. He must decide that his mother's actions are totally inappropriate. He must set boundaries with her.

Rachael-Lynn - RL, you didn't mention whether or not your husband is a Christian. If he is, he is in direct violation of God's commands for husbands.

Was there and affair in here somewhere, or are you simply dealing with a weak husband and a controlling MIL as your marital problem?

In short, whether it is a house or and apartment, you and your husband need to be out of the MIL's house immediately (should have been since day 1 of the marriage). Preferably whereever you live it should be a long way from MIL so she can't just "pop in" whenever she feels like it (which would likely be all the time). You also need an unlisted phone number and DO NOT give the number to her. Call her if needed, but don't give her the means to stay in constant contact.

Also, is she alone? Perhaps a lot of her attempts at controlling are motivated by fear of being left alone. Perhaps members of the church could help by getting her involved in some activities.

Bottom line for Christians, though, is that no matter what "for that reason a man shall leave his mother and father". You, and especially your husband as the head of the household under God's commands, have set up a new union of "two shall become one flesh". There is no room for Mom or Dad in the new marriage.

Please contact a Christian minister trained in marital counseling. Hopefully your husband will agree, because it really needs to be joint marriage counseling.

I had this problem and it eventually went through to divorce because I got tired of dealing with this. What is your culture? Indian or Italian cultures have this kind of totally dominating matriarchs. Is your FIL with her? How about his sisters and brothers? How does he respond to you.

So now the situation is that he is at his parental home with his mother. Where do you live now? Does he work and is his work far from his home? You should rent a nice place close to him, but unknown to her. Even better if it is close to his work. How are your finances? Do you work? When you have your place go with your friends to get your and your husband's belongings and furniture out. Just get your things if he does not agree. Better ask the police to accompany you.

Do not go to his parental home to meet him. Try and meet him at work. Ask him to not to tell your MIL about your meetings. When you meet him wear something nice and look your best. During the first meetings try and take him out to a cafe and have a short drink. Then encourage him to tell your MIL that he is going out with his mates and make the meetings longer and longer. Do not complain or cry; make the meeting fun and sexy. Eventually invite him to your place. It is important that this happens slowly for him to get used to each new step, maybe about 2-3 months between your first meeting him and his coming to your place for an hour or so.

Keep us posted on how it goes.

<small>[ September 02, 2002, 10:03 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>