Hello Everyone,

I just signed onto this board for reason all of you know very well. My last marriage ended with my wife having an affair so I'm no stranger to the pain it causes.

I have since re-married and I never thought for a moment that my new wife could do the same to me because we are so honest with each other...at least I thought so. I would appreciate a womens point of view from my following questions.

Everything was going great with my marriage until our daughter was born 4 years ago. Since then I saw my wife slowly withdraw and become increasingly depressed. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she kept telling me is was her and not anything I was doing wrong. I left it alone in hopes she would come around. It seems I waited to long.

About 2 months ago she started a new job at a convience store working mostly late shifts. She really enjoys the job and likes the people she works with and meets. Over time it seemed she preferred to be at work instead of being home with the family. She made excuses to work extra days, work late, run errands, etc. To make a long story short, I confronted her and asked her what was going on and told her how upset I was about her excuses to get away. At first she was very defensive and after a cool off period we started to talk and get the cards onto the table. She told me she was depressed and didn't feel loved or needed by anyone. I clearly was not fufilling her emotional needs. I know where depression and feeling unloved leads...right into the arms of another who can make you feel needed again.

After being through an affair before, I suspected the worst. I have done everything I possibly can do to find the truth. From a womens point of view given the following facts could you say I'm a fool for believing her implicate denials of an affair?? I do believe my wife to be of good concience and honest. She has told me that she could never have sex with another person and crawl back into bed with me, but my gut feeling (or perhapse fear from the last marrige) stops me from accepting her words.

Here is what I know:

She recently bought a cell phone from a guy she claims comes into her place of business routinely and she claims to have a friendship with him. In essance he is a regular customer and he happens to be a cellular salesman.

I have seen many phone calls placed from her phone to him at some very late night hours (12:30 am) and later. Her work shift ends typically around 12:00 AM and 1:00 AM. All the phone calls were 3 minutes and under. Her excuse was most of the calls were concerning the function of her cell phone and only returned calls to him because he called her to chat about work, life, whatever.

She admits to their friendship and their phone contact only after I confronted her. She also admits he came in from time to time to see her on a strict friendship level.

After learning of her contact with this person, I called and confronted him because I felt very threatened by him. I asked him what his intentions were with my wife and asked the extent of the relationship. I was very calm through the conversation. He applogized for any harm he caused to our marrige and denied any involvement with my wife beyond a casual business/friendship level. He sounded sincere and empathized with my situation.

She routinely gets home at least an hour after her shift ends (she is only 15 minutes from home). Sometimes she tells me that some of them hang out after work to shoot the bull.

Before I confronted her there was at least 3 times she didn't come home until 3:30 AM. She told me where she had gone, but I can't verify her whereabouts.

For some strange reason she stopped wearing underpants shortly after starting her new job. Her reply when I asked was, "My friend and doctor told me that it was better for a female not to wear undergarments". (Strange I know, but I think anything out of the ordinary of worth mentioning and it makes me think she has something to hide).

Have my senses been tainted be my last failed marrige or would you say I'm on target with my suspicions. I have tried so hard to catch her in a lie and catch her red handed, but nothing has turned up. Maybe I'm looking for something that isn't happening. I don't want to continue mistrusting her, but I don't want to be the fool either. I am considering a private investigator, but I think that is going overboard. I just want the complete truth and I don't think I have heard it yet. Please help me I'm going crazy! Thanks for your advice in advance.

<small>[ September 03, 2002, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: ConfusedHubby ]</small>

CH,

Based on your description of events, I think you are right on target with your suspicions.

You have cited too many red flags in your synopsis of events that have ocurred here. The emotional withdrawl from you is the key event that allowed the potential for an EA. The underwear thing is just too much to ignore......

Unfortunately, she will continue to deny what is going on and even worse she may try to convonce you that your being paranoid because of your previous situation.

Talking to the "cell phone salesman" is not a reliable answer either. He is a potential party in the deception and probably believes many negative things about you.

Is there some way you can borrow a car and hang around her job when she is due to leave to see what is going on? It may be a lot cheaper than hiring a PI.

Good Luck

Regarding underwear issue it is better to not wear underwear to bed when you go to sleep. When you are dressed you should wear underwear, for modesty and cleanliness. At night when you go to bed, it is because for lack of a better way to explain, a woman's bottom needs to breath. (I don't know how else to explain it. )

It is possible that she is suffering from untreated postpartum depression. Some postpartum depressions clear up on their own and some need medication to treat otherwise it progressively gets worse. I suggest she goes to the doctor.

I also hate to say this, but I think your suspicions are correct. I have to get to work, but you will get other responses here.

I

CH,
I feel for ya man. I went through this myself and know first hand how painful this is. All I can think of off the top of my head that might help and be alot cheaper than a PI, is a GPS tracking system.
Check out this web site, hope this helps. http://www.gpsonsale.com/vehicletrackingdevices/

God bless,
Stillhurts

Hi CH,

Sorry that you are hurting so much right now... and yes, from what you've told us, I would bet that something isn't quite right...and that your W might be involved with this phone guy. If you have problems with a cell phone, you call the service (*att, *sprint, *nextel, etc)...NOT the guy that sold you the phone!!!

I confronted one of my wife's OM and he said the same things... (this isn't a slam against any WS's...) but do you really believe that OM would tell you the truth if he was involved with your wife?

Go with your gut feelings.... they are usually right. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this... read all that you can here on the MB website and let us know how you're doing... You might want to print out the EN questionair and go over that with your wife...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thank you for replying so quickly. It's nice to know other people are kind and caring enough to listen and help me with my problems. I hope I can repay the kindness by replying to other postings. It is hard hearing everyone agree with my gut feelings, but I kind of expected it. I still feel caution should be exercised as I search for the truth. My wife has caught me following her already and I do call her often on her cell phone to verify her whereabouts, but I feel like such a jealous fiend. Believe me, it is so hard to resist the urge to track her every movement, but if I'm wrong I risk pushing her away even more if I'm caught again. I promised to stop running out and checking on her where abouts and she accomodates me by calling if she is going to be late. She claims to be very hurt and frustrated with the fact I don't trust her when she did nothing wrong in her eyes. She said she feels I'm pushing her furthur away by not believing her and that it makes her want to go out and have actually an affair just so she has something to be correctly accused of. Man this sucks! I feel like I'm in a rock and a hard place. Trust is absolute for me in a relationship and now it's gone. I feel in order to get it back I need proof that what she tells me is true. A Private Investigator may be my last resort. I guess I should face the facts that complete truth may be unattainable and possible more than I can handle.

CH,

Have you talked with a therapist about the issues surrounding your last marriage and the A? Your new wife is somewhat correct in that there might be some unresolved "stuff" going on with you, and she is going to use that to her advantage if she is having an A. I firmly believe you need to trust your "inner voice". I also think that talking it out with a professional might help you understand why you might have doubts with your gut instinct.

Just food for thought.

CH,

BIG red flag here.... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She said she feels I'm pushing her furthur away by not believing her and that it makes her want to go out and have actually an affair just so she has something to be correctly accused of.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife said the same thing when I suspected her of her second affair... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Have you asked your wife to go to MC with you? If she has nothing to hide, then she should be willing to go...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

ConfussedHubby,

Personally, I think a PI should be your FIRST resort not your last. Given your insecurities from you previous marriage, and the fact that your W stated she is feeling so pushed she might want to have an affair, presuming she knows how you last marriage died, then it seems you do have reason to worry.

Why the PI first, because he/she can do it without her knowing it. If there is nothing there fine, if there is you won't have to deal with her denials. If you can afford it, get to the bottom of this.

It may be depression on her part, but you NEED to know the truth and you are getting some very fishy stories here. Get the data you need know.

God Bless,

JL