Hi everyone. Haven't been around much lately but just thought I would let you all know that we had a baby boy two weeks ago. He's going really well.

I thought the birth of our son might overcome some of the emotional barriers my H has set up for himself. I guess I was expecting way too much of such a little person. The barriers did come down for a short time in the delivery ward but were very soon back in place. I've tried to talk to him about this but he says I should stop trying to push things. Why can't I just be happy with our son and enjoy being a mother, he says. I need to be so much more than that though and he just doesn't understand that. I love our two kids but I don't want to be just a mother. I want him to treat me like his wife and friend but he doesn't seem capable. All his attention is focused on our son and no-one else matters. I think I'm quietly going insane. It's been over 5 months since d-day and I can't see any change in his attitude toward me at all. I can't even talk to him because he says I'm just trying to start something. All I want to do is talk but he doesn't seem to know how. I suggested I might go back and see our counsellor and he got very angry with me and accused me of being selfish. He seems to think that holding my baby boy should make everthing okay. I know it's not fair but my baby reminds me of h's cheating and betrayal, since that all started just after I fell pregnant. He's the most perfect little boy but the nine months of my pregnancy were the most painful times of my life. I wanted his birth to be the start of a whole new life for our family but apparently that involves my having no emotions or feelings at all. It would only take a small amount of effort from h to completely turn things around but it's just not going to happen. I've waited every day for h to give me back my wedding rings but I guess he doesn't love me enough to do that. I deserve so much better and I don't know what to do about it. It hurts so much. The A was the most pain I have ever felt but H's unwillingness to make things better just continues the pain. He says he is trying but I just don't feel it. He can't even hold me and tell me that he loves me unless I say it first. I don't know how much more pain I can take. I don't want this life anymore.

(((((((((((((((((((heartrippedout))))))))))))))))

I'm so glad to hear that your son is healthy and happy, Congratulations!!

But about your M... you really do sound like your heart is on the floor, but please know that there is a tremendous amount of support here...

There are many people that are going through your situation, and can give you great advice and support, so even if he doesn't want to talk, you can at least talk here. No, it's not the same, sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I've found this site is about building M, and it is possible. But, right now your hormones are probably doing a One-Two on your system as well.

Be kind to yourself. I think it would be perfectly fine to focus on your baby, and post on these forums until you got some ground underneath yourself. Seeking counseling is a good idea as well. You can call this site to have MC on the telephone with the best of the best.

So, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like H is still in the FOG, or something... If you have a need for conversation, he may not be able to meet just yet as your D-day was so recent. He may still be in the FOG...
-bbs

<small>[ September 05, 2002, 01:29 AM: Message edited by: blueberryskies ]</small>

^

1)Are you sure the affair is over? No more contact?

2)He may also still be in withdrawal. It took months for my husband to get to a point where he was trying.

The affair is over and has been for almost 7 months. I sometimes wonder but H assures me that he has nothing to hide. I want to believe him. He saw how much pain he caused and said he would never do that again. I have to believe that. As for contact, they still see each other occasionally at work (maybe every couple of weeks). He says they only speak about work related things and nothing else. I have to believe him and I have to be okay with that because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I wish he would never see her again but it's just not a reality.

I know he is still in withdrawal because that is the one thing he will talk to me about. I just don't know what to do about it. All I can do is sit and wait and hope that one day he's over her and can fully concentrate on our family again.

Having said all of that, last night when he got home from work (midnight), he was very loving and affectionate - more so than he has been in a long time. I don't know what caused the sudden change and I'm too afraid to ask. It was the best he has made me feel in a long time and for the moment I'm just going to hold onto that with everything I have. It's what I have been waiting for for a long time.

heartrippedout -

I usually am on the divorce board - but I too had a baby while my now ExH was having an A.

It is such and emotional time and then to have to deal with the fall out of an A is just unfair - I know.

With all of those hormones floating around and a new baby, life my be so emotinally drainig right now.

I hope that you have found some sort of support system for yourself right now - friends, family, chirch group, counselor(even if it's by phone), prayer, you will need all of it at the moment.

I know that it is tough, but if you have read Surviving an Affair then you know what is going on with you and your H.

And it seems impossible to ask you to do anything more than you already are, but you have to realize that thimgs will not change overnight. Your H has to come to a point where he feels that he wants to change to meet your needs - and if you've read His Needs Her Needs, you also know that you may have to spend some time only meetin his needs and not expecting anything in return for months.

Yuck! I hear you say, but even the books by Susan Page - How One of You Can Bring the Two fo You Together and even The Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner-Davis, say that you have to go over and beyond for a while to get the other spouse to come around. Then when they are getting their needs met they WANT to then meet your needs.

Time is a necessity - in SAA Harley said that after an A you have to spend 30 hours a week together to jump start the marriage, and then 15 hours a week maintenance.

It sounds hard and even impossible, but after going through what I have for as long as I have, I believe it to be true more and more each day.

If you can, I would make this time with the new baby as wonderful as you cna for your H - who may also be having feeling of fear and inadequacy when it comes to taking care of a new baby.

Build up his self-esteem, give him admiration, don't push him to do or be something that he's not right now - tell him that you'll give him time. Make his time with you as special as you can - he needs to want to be with you and the spends as much timne as he can with you - but it can't be forced.

Get a plan together for your recovery- give yourself some goals and keep a journal to see how you are doing. Post on the recovery board and emotional needs board and get ideas and help and support there. Since your H sees this woman - every time he does he goes BACK into withdrawal. It's a bad cycle and a hard one to overcome.

It's especially hard for you now because you are so emotionally bonded to your H because of the baby. Try to get H as bonded to the baby as you can so that he will have something to work for.

There is hope, but it's hard when you need your needs met and H can't do it right now. That's why you need the support system and hang in there!

K

Thank you. I know what you're saying is true but it's so hard. I've been hurting for so long with no hope that things will ever get any better. I want someone to love me and take care of me for a change. I'm so tired of being strong and trying to make everyone else feel better. When will it be my turn?

^^^^^^
BUMP!!

Yes, I totally agree! To me it feels like you are the one who "has to" be strong right now, bummer... I'll just post some questions that I have since it's been a couple of days...
Has anything new come up? Is he still being affectionate?
Is he able to connect with you to help repair damage from A, if not why, if so how? Have you ordered the Surviving an Affair book yet? Or the HNs/HNs?
The "occasionally" seeing at work sounds like a big prob and not recommended as you prob well know...
I've heard on this site that:
1. Set up counseling with the Harley's, very important, can prevents months of stand still.
2. Read the site, and all the books.
3. Get away from OW, can't he look for new work?
4. Keep posting, reading, etc...
5. Work on youself as well, give yourself some pampering/attention/love of some sort...
That's all I can think of for now!! Please don't feel like you have to answer if too personal / etc...
You're in my Prayers,
blueberry

There's not been anything new really the last couple of days. He is not being affectionate - I guess it was a one off. I asked him about it the other day and he doesn't see a problem. He also believes that him seeing ow has no effect on us. I know it affects me because I know how he feels about her. I know that if he could honestly tell me that she meant nothing to him then I would be able to trust him much more easily and would not always doubt everything he tells me. He says I only assume that he would rather be with her but he has not told me otherwise so what am I to think? Why does he still think she is sucha wonderful person when she has already proven that the only person she cares about is herself and she didn't care what happened to anyone else in all of this? I just don't understand.

He doesn't connect with me at all over this. He thinks that because he says it's over and because he's still with me then I should just get over it and everything would be okay. I wish it were that easy.

As for changing jobs, we have actually talked about moving to a new town but it's just not practical at the moment. And, H is a manager where he works, ow is a uni student who works a few hours a week. He would be giving up his job when to her it is just pocket money. Again she gets to get on with her life as though nothing as happened. Why is it that my family continues to have to suffer?

I would love to have counselling with the Harleys but unfortunatley I'm in australia. Could be a little difficult.