I just discovered about a week ago that my W was having an internet/ e-mail affair with a co-worker she met on a business trip.

I know that this pales in comparison to some other threads I have read here, but at the same time it is extremely painful.

I discovered this by going through her e-mails (probably not the brightest thing to do). I suspected something might be wrong because the emotions towards me just weren't there anymore. So, that is when I decided to check on things myself.

I could not believe my eyes when I was reading these seemingly innocent e-mails, but they were not innocent to me. Phrases like "please come visit, would love to see you", "I enjoyed the scenery", " I can't seem to get you out of my head", " Vist here, it will be purely professional (yeah right)", these phrases keep going through my head.

She has lied from day one about this. She admitted it, but trying to get the truth of how deep the feelings were is like pulling teeth. It started out as she was just "flatterd" from the attention, then went to "infatuation", and has now become true affection for this OM.

She claimed there were only 3 e-mails that were sent back and forth, but now admits there may have been more that were just deleted. Now tonight I find out she was constantly trying to get into contact with him through cell phone method. What makes it worse, she said the phone calls were just "how are you doing" phone calls. But one phone call that I saw was placed at 12:00 in the morning, and a few calls lasted close to 30 min. I can only imagine how many phone calls were placed from her office.

I cannot take the lies. THis happened once before (not in a marriage, but in a relationship) and I swore if it ever happen again, I would be out.

I am devastated because there just was nothing wrong with our marriage, at least I did not think so. She can not even give me a reason why.

I cannot live like this, I just want out. I feel so hurt, angry, confused, and at times like a little boy who has lost control of everything. I have never done this to her because of my deep love for her.

I just want out, I cannot do this anymore. I feel as if there is nothing to live for anymore. My best friend, the love of my life, and the mother of our daughter has an affection for OM, that I feel could have turned into a PA if I had not found out, and I'm still unsure if they did or did not have physical contact on the business trip.

PLEASE HELP!! What should I do??

What should you do? Only you can decide this. An emotional affair is just as painful as any other type of betrayal.

It's always a good idea not to make any drastic plans while under the stress of discovery. You might need to seek some professional help for yourself on how to deal with all the conflicting emotions. Then...if you AND your wife want to try and rebuild, get some professional marriage counseling, do not try to go this alone.

It does take both of you working very hard to get past a betrayal. What does your W say? Is she willing to do whatever is necessary to repair the marriage and began again to rebuild the trust she has lost? Are you even open to this possibility?

After you've had some time to work through some of this and get "your head on straight", if you find that you honestly do not wish to continue in the marriage, get your ducks in a row and tell her.

A marriage can survive and grow through after a betrayal, but it is the hard work that goes into rebuilding that makes this so. It isn't easy, it has lots of missteps along the way, but it can happen. It takes true committment on both parties and a world of forgiveness and understanding on what is needed by both of you.

Good Luck!

Justawifey said it beautifully, briefly and succinctly. My style is to ramble on and on however.

Just wanted to drop in and give you a "there, there" pat. I know the pain, it's unbelievable. Our marriage has suffered from a "just friends" ea too.

You're new here. You can do a search for threads about EA's (emotional affairs) on the Board and find a ton of posts written by me. And others.

Here's my unsolicited advice: Make an appointment with one of the Harleys and while it's in the works, study this site. Print out the stuff about the love bank, the affair stuff (how they start, how they should end) get really familiar with the Harley philosophy. Go to the Emotional Needs site, print out the EN questionnaire and fill it out. Print one out for your wife too, and if she won't fill it out (or if you're not ready to ask her to) fill it out as YOU think she would answer the questions.

Spend the money now on a counseling session or three with the Harleys. Early in the crisis, really, honey.

And no, I don't get a kickback for urging people to call the Harleys. I just know that trying to repair your marriage with a regular marriage counselor while one of you is continuing any kind of contact at all with a "friend" is like tearing up your money and flushing it down the toilet. We did it for over a year and it destroyed me.

But this is your thread. Good luck.

I third the motion of the previous posters.

I also agree

Thank you very much to everyone and your advice.

I wish that I could just go back to last week and not have found out. But, is not knowing really better? She would have never told me otherwise. It amazes me that my wife, at the time, just thought that this was innocent flirting. However, now she realizes how deeply hurt I am, and she is very remorseful.

I love my wife more than life itself. But nothing will take away the hurt or the pain, there are somethings only time will help.

Thanks again for everyones thoughts and advice.

It is possible that it was only innocent flirting, which didn't really go any further. For a woman who has been out of the workforce raising babies to discover once she is back to work that she's been missing the extra attention that other people will show her, can be "head turning". It's an easy trap to fall into. We, women/moms, get so wrapped up in being mom and wife, that so often we forget that we are women first and foremost. And with dear H out working his heart out to meet the bills that having a family entails, it's also easy for him to forget exactly what brought the two of you together. (btw...it wasn't having children/family...it was the love of each other, the excitement of being with the other, the joy that is shared.)

It sounds as if she is truly aware of what she has done and how it has effected you. This is great! Remorse is exactly what you want...not guilt, which is about self. She is sorry and wants to make ammends. Get rid of the cell phone, or at least the salesman, and no more calls between the two of them, and keep any interaction on a professional business level if he comes into her store. Remember...she can't control what he does (coming in to the store), but she can control her actions.

Yes, her "harmless" flirting went too far, if it envolved any lies or deliberate omissions. BUT...if it was only the attention and validation that she is a woman first before being a wife or a mom, you may well be able to "nip it in the bud".

I know how hard it is to raise a family in these times, the effort is mind boggling...there never seems to be enough time in the day for either of you to do everything that you want, and sadly, so often it is the couple time that suffers first.

Whatever you must do, make time for the two of you EACH day. Without the kids, without talking about work, without talking about household chores. Make it a time to discuss what is in your heart.

Good Luck!