Basically, I have been in Plan A for about 3 months with an on-going A. My WH is on the fence about whether to stay in the M or leave for OW.

I finally went to IC today. His advice was that I need to be loving but firm and not tolerate the A any longer. He believes that I should tell WH that it is time to make a choice - either end A or leave.

I am undecided about what to do. I have done a pretty good Plan A. I am extremely hopeful that my M will survive. I love my WH. I have two small children.

Any thoughts about this advice?

If you have done a good Plan A for three months, it may be time to consider going to Plan B...

Have you read up on Plan B?

Dear WTW,

first of all: listen to what others think and advise, but do not feel pressured to act in a way, that you don't really think is right.

I think it is easy to be firm, when my WH decided he wanted to stay with me and his kids and rebuild our life. Now when you are in this terrible situation that your WH is in so much fog that he wants to leave - that is a whole different story. But you wrote before that this plan A'ing with the continued A is making you depressed and really miserable, and that labor day was the time that you had set to think about plan B.

I think -and I am telling you this very blunt today- that your plan A'ing and keeping the A a secret has contributed to your H continuing the A. Maybe it is the time for plan B now. You have to be firm with him - in a non-LB way. He has to feel that he is going to loose you AND his two kids. He has to really start feeling that his family will be gone, maybe that lets the insight in him grow that he has destroyed it and that he needs to change.

So far he was -what the others call a cake eater- sitting on the fence and having the best of both worlds without many bad consequences for him.

WTW, I wish you the strength to do plan B!

PS: I just found "wucus" post about Plan A/B here under "just found out". Read it, WTW, and let me know what you think.

<<<Cyberhugs>>>

<small>[ September 06, 2002, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: Iceprincess ]</small>

Liza - I sure have alot to think about. My IC indicated that I should let WH know I cannot tolerate that A. However, he also seemed to think that I was not ready to move to a "plan B' type situation yet.

My IC is someone that I have known since I was a child. He also knows my WH. I have alot of trust in him. I am so thankful that I have someone that I already have a relationship with to turn to right now.

The first thing that IC advised is that I MUST tell WH I have gone to him for help. His feeling is that just this news will start to put the "fear" in my WH and start a reality check. He feels that faced with a choice, WH will decide to stay home and work on marriage. I disagreed - but, IC also said that if he does chose OW, it is very likely that he will return home after just a few days. He also said that my WH is probably feeling very weak right now and that I have to be the strong one. I think that is probably true.

I have another appt next week. Lots to think about between now and then.

Right now, my plan is to find a quiet time over the weekend to talk with WH. I will tell him that I have gone to IC and tell him anything about the session that he will care to hear. I will tell him that I love him and I want to work on this marriage. But, I am getting to the point that I cannot continue to tolerate an ongoing A. It is time for him to make a choice. I have shown him that I love him, that I want to change for the better, that I CAN change for the better, and that this marriage is very important to me. It is getting time for him to make the same commitment if he wants to salvage our M.

I guess I don't expect any real progress quite yet. I agree with IC that I am not really ready for him to leave emotionally. But, continuing to put everything on the table will show him where I am now and where I am headed emotionally.

What do you think?

Dear Willingtowait,
unfortunately I can't offer advice, just support and compassion. I am still in very similar situation, and just like you despite doing plan A for a while, not ready for Plan B. Just like you, we also have kids, though mine are older. I keep lurking here in hope of finding more practical way for plan Aing, so I will not feel so helpless. I am so glad you have a trusty IC, one that knows your situtation better tham just from a brief initial description. Wish had somebody like that myself.
I do believe in keeping your spouse updated about you current state of mind, though would love to know how to approach the subject gently and without it apperaing threatening or being an ultimatum. I do not believe in head games and pretending to be/feel somebody else that you are, I do believe in working on improving yourself as it benefits you no matter what.
I try to do do all of the above while avoiding LBing, it's hard because I feel often my plan A attentiveness or sharing of my worries BECOMES a LB unintentionally.
FBOW