I guess I'll just ask... how long was it before you could make love with your WS? I just can't imagine this a this point.

My 1st D-day was Memorial weekend when I was lead to believe my H had a EA. During our MC session last week I know know now it was a PA. I think he said it only happened once (once or a 100 times - does it matter??). He says it's been over since Memorial weekend.

My second question is how many have you taken a HIV test?

It was the most awful weekend of my life. I can't imagine anything worse.
So Much Pain

Somuchpain: I can't answer your first question about how long it took to make love with your WS, as I'm a BS starting to work at Plan A, with the hopes that my H will come home. However, I can talk about the HIV test.

I had a very short, brief marriage almost 20 years ago. A marriage that should never have happened (isn't hindsight everything). My ex cheated on me continually from the get-go. While we were on our honeymoon in Florida, he wasn't with me, but across the other side of the pool chatting up two girls on vacation. I remember having a sinking feeling at that moment that I had just made a terrible mistake. Anyway, enough of that. To make a long story short, 18 months later I had left him. I was afraid for many years of the possibility of STD's or AIDS from him, as I had a sneaky feeling that he was also bi, and so who knew what he'd exposed himself to, travelling in such a huge circle of people. Years after my second marriage (the one I'm trying to save now...14 years, 2 children), I began having frequent yeast infections. I mean every month, with no relief in between. My doctor tried everything but nothing helped. I started to panic, knowing that chronic yeast infections can be a symptom of HIV. As my children were little then, I felt it was my duty to find out if I had HIV so I could test my children, etc. My doctor was very open to me having the test and I did. I am so glad to say that it came back negative, and after a few years of diet changes, etc., my yeast infections decreased to a 'normal' amount. BUT...the two weeks of waiting for the test results were absolutely excrutiating, and every night I'd lie in bed convinced it would be positive and I would die. But..I am so glad I had it done and I encourage you to get the test if you have any doubt. If you have it, best to know so it can be addressed. If you don't, then you need to ease your mind and the only way to do that is to get the test!! It will be hard, but arrange it today. Then whatever happens in your life you know that today you are okay and that will be a huge weight off your mind.

SoMuch:
Believe it or not, knowing about my WH's A didn't affect my desire for him at all. Well, maybe the first day - I joked with him then that he had found the sure-fire way to deal with my sexual needs. (You have to understand that I've always complained about how I don't get enough sex with him - that's been a source of frustration for many years, long before this A.) The next day after D-Day, though, we had some of the best sex ever. Wine helps. So do candles and a little romance. And more wine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Now the sordid part of this. OW is from a 3rd-world country that has problems with AIDS among the general population (NOT gay community) due to lifestyle, societal rules that are very relaxed. I was pretty scared when I read that! I told my doctor, got an HIV test, and thank God it came back negative. Doctor says that should be a valid test - the A started 6 months ago. But I'll go back again in another 6 months, just to be sure.

Back again to sex... I think our being able to have sex immediately and for it to be so good is one thing holding us together. He's still seeing OW but he won't give up on us. And he mentions that good sex is one powerful reason. To him it's symbolic of our love.

Well after D-day (EA) was a series of trememdously long drawn out "loud"" talks and events ( he went out drinking with the boys and I had a sick 3 year old to care for) but after He agreed to go to counselling with me about 2 weeks later, we had the most passion that we had in a long time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry you are in pain. ~HUG~

Perhaps you might want to read Torn Asunder by Dave Carder there is a section about affectionate touching (non-intercourse) that could really help bring back that loving feeling.

Good Luck

Hang on to your hat. My H had (is having) and affair with a stipper or two or three (God only knows the truth. I am able (by the help of God and Valium to meet his need for SF (SEX) however, i continue to be tested for hiv every few months. I THINK I AM CRAZY TO LET HIM RISK MY LIFE> That i am leaving in Gods more than capable hands.

How long before sex is as individual as anything else here. Some have sexual relations shortly after discovery of a betrayal and then again, some find it impossible for days/weeks/months. Whichever you happen to be experiencing...is NORMAL! (Personally, this was not a problem for me and H. Our sex life continued on it's normal course.)

Anyone who has been touched by a third party betrayal needs to be tested. Not just for HIV, but for so many other STDs which can either be life threatening or else long term problems. If you have not been tested...please do so. The wait period is frustrating, but hiding your head in the sand will not make your fear go away. Even if the betraying partner swears they had "safe sex"...safe sex isn't all it's cracked up to be. See your doctor!

HIV question: As the others have said - get tested for HIV at 6 months after first exposure (or right now if you don't know his first exposure date) and 6 months after that.

I went to the doctor the day after d-day and requested tests for all STDs. I don't even know what they were. I'd only slept with one other man (First H) and he didn't cheat on me so had never faced such a situation.

Sex question: I "forced" my WH to have sex with me the day after d-day. Why?
1. Because he'd told me on d-day that he was leaving me for another woman, and I thought I'd lost him forever and that I would never feel his touch again, and;
2. Because my first husband rarely had sex with me more than once or twice a year (for 20 years of marriage). I was (and still am) terribly depressed that my first husband didn't want to make love to me at all, and my second husband preferred sex with someone else. I guess I'm only attractive to men I'm not married to. Just never been interested in an affair myself although I've had plenty of opportunity.

As to sex - in the 10 months since d-day our relationship has just been a rollercoaster. We have had long periods where we made love nearly every night and often again in the morning. We've had periods where we barely touched each other for a week.
So I think the answer is - not only will it be entirely individual to you, but your sex life will likely change during the course of your recovery. The hardest part is keeping OW out of the bed. It was impossible for me forget OW while we still lived in the house were the A took place. I am furious that WH brought OW into my home. I hope you don't have to face that problem. It's a different and additional type of betrayal to face.

Thank you for all of your candid answers. I just can't believe I have to do this! It's just too much!

hi there, here's my 2 cents worth
normally I'm on the GQ forum, but once in a while I drop in here.

anyway - we made love a couple of days after d-day and continue to do so, only now it's *me* who refuses to do so... as what WW is practicing is not really about 'making love' but really just about fulfilling a physical need.

Also, OM had (has?) a thing going with men (yikes) and he got hepathis. at which point my WW got really worried and had herself examined. all that without telling me any of this of course - I only know of that by snooping. when we make 'love' I'm not really thinking about it. Stupid, isnt it.