Twice I have found out that my WS was having an A. Not less than 10 minutes ago I was reviewing voice mails and found one which was send to her today from a man who ask her to listen to a song that he left on the voice mail. The song was about a man who missed and loved this lady. About two weeks ago I listened to a voice mail from who appeared to be the same man stating that he loved her. I have been through this before and I can't go through this again. At this moment I am nervous and shaken. I realy don't know what to do I really need an ear. I love my wife to death and will reach to the end of the earth just to make her happy. I really need some direction and help. I feel like this is the end of my rope and feel like there is no reason for life as I see it. I am begging for help. I can't handle this anymore and I can't handle life with her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hi,

I am sorry you had another d/d. Those hurt. YUCK!!

Do you have a counselor? Howz about someone you can talk with (friend or family member)?

I found it helpful to write down the events like a journal. Keep it handy. It helped me vent on the computer and also regain my santity.

What MB stuff have you read?

Hugz,
L.

After a bottle of liquor and passing out last night I woke up to reality and ask myself how much can I take at what point do I walk away. My WS continues to tell me how good of a H and father I am and how happy she is. Something is very wrong somewhere or else there would not be other men in her life.

I am a very private and closed person whom really never shares my personal issues with others, not even family. I'm not sure why this is but I have always been this way so no I haven't talked with anyone.In the past I did see a counsler but without my wife willing to attend I felt like I was spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere.

My WS does not even have any knowledge of my findings at this point. I want to catch her red handed this time so there is do denial.

AT WHAT POINT DO I GIVE HOPE UP AND WALK AWAY???
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi -
Deciding when to give up is a very, very hard thing to do. Just this week, I have gone through another d/day. My heart screams at me - how much more can you take?!! But, we I am clear headed I look at what 'seemed' to be recovery only to find out that it was not. Each time, we try to be civil, sweep the past under the rug & keep going. That's the problem - we do a terrible job of communicating what we need & what hurts the most. I am convinced that until we are able to HONESTLY communicate our needs & our emotional issues, this will always repeat itself.

I think most people walk away from marriage when they know that they have honestly tried everything and nothing works. Now, I am on my last go around. The problem is getting my H to understand this. That this time I am willing to work, but he has to do more than meet me 1/4 of the way. If you don't have it, read Surviving an Affair. It was a great help for me & lifted me out of depression when my H found out about my A.

Next - please don't drink. I know how hard the pain is, but drinking will only make it worse. Imagine if your W comes to you while you are drunk and pours her heart out saying she wants to save the marriage. It won't be you listening to her, it'll be the alcohol speaking back to her & that in itself will seriously set you back.

There are others on this forum who are a lot more experienced on the MB principles, so I'll let them explain to you how to best use them. Also, read the articles on the site on how to Survive Infidelity.

Vee

ifionlynew,

Originally posted by ifionleynew:
<strong>After a bottle of liquor and passing out last night I woke up to reality and ask myself how much can I take at what point do I walk away. </strong>

Not healthy reaction. How do you plan do handle this type of emotional trauma next time?

<strong>My WS continues to tell me how good of a H and father I am and how happy she is. Something is very wrong somewhere or else there would not be other men in her life.

I am a very private and closed person whom really never shares my personal issues with others, not even family. I'm not sure why this is but I have always been this way so no I haven't talked with anyone.In the past I did see a counsler but without my wife willing to attend I felt like I was spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere.</strong>

Acknowledge her compliments sincerely. You deserve it. Since there is an A you really lose your privacy also. What I mean is that you don't know how much of your life or version of your life she has shared with OM and others. The WS tend not to have much respect for the BS and our feelings during the A.

For your santity, hook up with a good MC again or even give Steve or Jennifer here at MB a call. They can do some phone counseling.

If you can take the EN questionnaire located in the concepts section above. You may find some points to work on and help yourself. Then when you are in an emotionally stronger position you may be able to help your W.

<strong> My WS does not even have any knowledge of my findings at this point. I want to catch her red handed this time so there is do denial. </strong>

Up to you what you let her know and when. Be cautious. WS' don't really appreciate all our help during these times. Catching her 'red' handed may be difficult. You may have to resort to techinques you don't approve of but still be legal. (hiring PI, snoop on computer, camera in the house, etc.) Just be careful.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Know how you will react if given the worst proof. One MBer stumbled across a video tape of the WS and OW having s3x. Another MBer found a tape and the WS and OW were in bed and threw the finger at the camera - for whose benefit?!?!?! Can U believe it?!?!? So be prepared. That can be devastating.

<strong>AT WHAT POINT DO I GIVE HOPE UP AND WALK AWAY???
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </strong>

When you know your boundaries (your toleration levels) and you make the decision to implement them. For some it is after going to plan B for others it is after D and yet others it is plan A.

Learn about those plans and know now that those plans are NOT about winning the WS back, it is about helping heal yourself. The WS will come back if and when the WS is willing to show value to the family and the BS agrees to let them back. Each have choices and consquences.

take care,
L.

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 08:50 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>